The Language Of Love

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I'm a 28-year-old woman who has never been on a date. Consequently, I've never had sex either. I'm not ugly or socially inept-I'm an African American who grew up and lived in a predominantly white environment. Because of racist beauty standards, none of the white guys I used to know would date me. And the fact that I'm shy did not help me with the few eligible black men with whom I crossed paths.

Anyway, I just moved to New York and want to make up for lost time. Any advice on getting a man into bed without embarrassing myself? Also, should I tell the guy I'm a virgin? If so, how do I do it without scaring him away?

I've already signed up for a few blind dates and I'm running personal ads online.

-Horny African-American Honey

First, let me both offer my condolences on growing up in a racist shithole and my congrats to you for getting the hell out. While it's true that NYC is far from some kind of hate-free utopia, the sheer volume of people here make the jackasses far easier to ignore. (Though you should probably avoid Howard Beach and parts of Staten Island.)

And-phew!-I'm so glad you wrote before you made a big fat fool of yourself! Black, white and every shade in between-New York Men are a breed unto themselves. Make no mistake: Luring one of these captivating creatures into your bed is a very complicated maneuver, demanding the utmost sensitivity and grace. Because I can see your situation has reached crisis mode, I'm going to share with you a magical phrase that's always worked for me: "C'mere."

Simple, yes, but when combined with a beckoning index finger and a low-cut blouse? Nearly impossible for the New York Man to resist. Follow that with a simple hey-let's-get-outta-here head nod (while simultaneously saucily raising the eyebrow closest to the exit) and you're in like sin.

As you've already placed an internet personal ad, this process becomes even easier still, as the online-personals community is geared toward ridding sweet young ladies such as yourself of bothersome things like virginity (and occasionally self-respect).

If no-strings sex is what you're after, please don't give a second's worry to embarrassing yourself. Men have been humiliating themselves for centuries in the quest for pussy. A sample line I've been fed: "Please just let me put it in; I promise not to move it." Not surprisingly, it didn't work, but the fella who offered it didn't so much as flinch as I fell off my chair laughing. And when I finally picked myself up and regained composure, he was still sitting there, waiting for an answer.

See what I mean?

As far as telling potential devirginators that you're still one with your hymen, the less said the better. Decent guys are going to be all freaked out and worried (and possibly fret their way out of fucking you), whilst deviant freaks are going to find you that much more appealing because of it. Ideally, you'll find someone who falls between these two extremes. Just be careful (condoms!) and ferchrissakes, don't fall in love with the first fella who puts it to you. Oh, and you should resign yourself right now to the fact that the first time sucks for just about everyone. Practice makes perfect.

I read one of your articles a couple of weeks back and I figured I would axe you a couple of questions. I am spending the summer doing my internship here in and am wondering if it is possible to approach women in the city in the hustle and bustle? And if so what can you say in 15 seconds or so?

Is everyone in the city resorting to internet dating to find someone? I hope not because I think it's kinda impersonal, but anything's possible.


Well, sweetpea, if the number of misspellings and grammatical errors you forced me to correct on your little note are any indicator, you'd better pray you don't have to resort to internet dating. I realize you're young, but if someone's been kind enough to offer you unpaid employment during the months when your peers are working on nothing more taxing than their tans, you should at least skim through Strunk & White.

But to answer your question, yes. It is possible to approach ladies on the street, although you're going to need a thick skin, as most of us are going to completely ignore you, if not come right out and tell you to fuck off. You can chalk this up to bitchy NYC attitude, but the fact is, a woman walking down any city street puts up with so much shit (comments on her anatomy-both positive and negative, the occasional ass-grab, etc.), that an innocent "hi!" can elicit a snarl.

Not that it can't be done. My buddy Rich picked up a cute girl on the subway once. He went home with her and discovered that she was a Wiccan alcoholic who firmly believed her pets spoke to her (perfect English, as it turned out). She "borrowed" money offa him and I believe he got a blowjob for his trouble.

If I were you, I'd brush up on my spelling.

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