2016, Here We Come!

While we're certain most New Yorkers were breathing a sigh of relief last Thursday, glad the IOC had decided to go with lovely London, the terrible events of that morning made clear yet again that we're living in a new and increasingly dangerous world, one in which "security" is a meaningless term, and where deadly threats can appear out of nowhere, whether you're walking down the street, riding the subway or sitting in your fancy office on the 50th floor of a skyscraper.

Well aware of this fact, wanting to keep abreast of the changing times, and hoping to liven up a rather cloistered and stodgy public image, IOC commissioners announced this weekend that there were changes ahead. Big ones.

Recent market research shows that viewers no longer care very much about events like the javelin toss, the high jump or synchronized swimming. Television audiences-especially those in host cities like London-want to see events that more closely reflect their own lives; things they might even conceivably participate in themselves, if given the chance.

And so the IOC announced on Saturday that, in time for the 2012 Summer Games in London, a number of those boring old events would be discarded, replaced with exciting new competitions the regular viewing public could enjoy and relate to better.

Among them:

1. Synchronized Bombing

This is going to really test the technical capabilities of future Olympiads. Getting two split-hair detonations to match up exactly is no easy feat. Expect the Germans, the Swiss and the Saudis to excel.

2. The Shrapnel Dodge

Like the opposite of dodgeball, but livelier.

3. The Bus Toss

Not as easy as it sounds, especially when competitors advance to the "Double-decker Bus Toss."

4. The Suicide-Bomber Marathon

Like most other marathons, it's a foot race. This one's different, however, because competitors run from here to Allah, with stops at various diners and nightclubs along the way.

5. The 50-Meter Corpse Hurdle

This competition, which takes place inside a smoke-filled subway tunnel, is considered among the most grueling of the new games.

6. Speed Trampling

Usually scheduled to occur just a few minutes before the Corpse Hurdle.

7. The 100-Meter Dash (on fire)

This one's pretty self-explanatory.

8. The Olympics-Poster Removal Relay

Among the most useless and laborious of the new games. The New York team already began training last Wednesday afternoon, with nearly $100,000 in backing from the City.