A modest business proposal from Africa.
"The Bush administration acknowledged for the first time yesterday that President Bush should not have alleged in his State of the Union address in January that Iraq had sought to buy uranium in Africa..."
?Washington Post, July 8, 2003
"A few hours and a simple internet search was all it took for UN inspectors to realize documents backing US and British claims that Iraq had revived its nuclear program were crude fakes... [One of the forgeries was a] letter about uranium dated October 2000 [that] purportedly came from Niger's foreign minister [but got the name wrong]. To make matters worse, the letterhead was out of date and referred to Niger's 'Supreme Military Council' from the pre-1999 era?which would be like calling Russia the Soviet Union."
?Reuters, March 26, 2003
"The perpetrators of Advance Fee Fraud (AFF), known internationally as '4-1-9' fraud after the section of the Nigerian penal code which addresses fraud schemes, are often very creative and innovative. Unfortunately, there is a perception that no one is prone to enter into such an obviously suspicious relationship... In almost every case there is a sense of urgency. The victim is enticed to travel to Nigeria or a border country. There are many forged official looking documents..."
?U.S. Secret Service Public Awareness Advisory, 2002
"Welcome President Bush. Nigerians, Africans and indeed, all peoples of African descent in America and elsewhere, are delighted and immensely pleased, that you are visiting our continent!"
?The Daily Trust [Nigeria], July 8, 2003
How it really happened?
In brief introduction, I am Prince Abdul Arbusto Bundu, citizen of Sierra Leone, and the Eldest son of the late Chief Bundu Koroma. You, sir, have been mandated to me as a man of exceedingly immense power and clout in the world's scheme of things?but more importantly, as a trusted and God-fearing personality, highly capable and in good position to help a humiliated family still on exile today in wonderful Nigeria. For your Christ-like kindness in assisting with the transfer of over Thirty Million United States Dollars (US $30 million) to the great and free United States of America, you will be entitled to 20% of the total, or Six Million United States Dollars (US $6 million).
Sierra-Leone had in the past been involved in a very horrible and hostile war in which Revolutionary United Front (R.U.F.) led by Foday Sankoh committed so many atrocities against humanity. My father who was a collaborator to the rebels was imprisoned during the war, and later most horrendously executed, because of his inability to produce over Thirty Million United States Dollars (US $30 million) given to him by the Revolutionary United Front (R.U.F.) for the procurement of uranium on behalf of Saddam Hussein regime of Iraq.
Long had I lived in my father's shadow. *Everybody* liked Chief Bundu Koroma. He was a cruel man and a big man?so big, I felt there was no room left for my little life. I took to drinking, to cocaine, to the skirts. I doubt you understand this. For a time I devoted my life to the seeking of cargo. But it was frustrating and difficult?my successes were all Chief Bundu Koroma's, my failures were my own?and there came a time when I realized this could not go on. This was a day as I was running, barefoot, across the African sands, running, running to escape, I think I was making about a 6:55-minute mile, and suddenly, Great Zounds! I was on my back flatly?staring up at Jesus Christ. I had always anticipated Jesus would be a black man, but he was white as Snows of Mt. Kennebunkeport. He wore running shoes custom-made in Texas USA. I found myself that day.
Ever since, no matter what my political rivals may say, no matter how the families of those I have detained indefinitely may sob and curse me, I have been lifted up in prayer and love.
Then my father fell from favor; and I fled to exile in Nigeria. There I began a new political career, and rose to be Minister for Water Resources of Nigeria. America and Nigeria have a great deal in common, George Bush Junior! America like Nigeria is a toss salad of diverse peoples, occupying great expanse of lands in God's good earth. America and Nigeria are two great countries with known natural endowments, uncountable resources and blessed with boundless energies and bountiful opportunities with limitless possibilities!
All that you must have heard. But now I must come to the crux, the nut, of how you and I could enter into a mutually beneficial financial transaction in Christ.
Back home in Sierra-Leone, father died last year rather than reveal to his old allies what he had done with the over Thirty Million United States Dollars (US $30 million) given to him for the procurement of uranium on behalf of Saddam Hussein regime of Iraq.
Before his death, he disclosed to us of an existence of two sealed trunk boxes, which he kept in the underground vault in Monrovia, the capital of the Liberia, which contained the sum of Thirty Million United States Dollars (US $30 million). We dragged the trunks to the Bank of the Liberia and deposited them into a blind three-sided off-book partnership trust called "Chewbacca."
The Liberia, sadly, is in chaos. It is no place for the business. Were it peaceful in Christ, and were the regime change of the exceedingly powerful United States to be visited most wrathfully upon Charles Taylor, who is a diamond-smuggling Baptist gun runner most deserved of being deposed, then I could return to the Bank of the Liberia to organize a wire transfer abroad. Most tremendously sadly for me, I do not have an account abroad. But if you will send me yours, I will entrust the full Thirty Million United States Dollars (US $30 million) to you?for your Christ-like kindness I ask you to keep Six Million United States Dollars (US $6 million). Consider it a fee for your RISK-FREE assistance in depositing the remainder of the money into an account in Washington D.C. you will kindly open in the name of my kindly white-haired old mother, Chieftess Barbaro Bundo. I will sleep like a baby doing this, knowing as I do of your reputation for honesty and forthrightfulness?if only you will agree to come to Nigeria and to meet me and to shake my hand on it.
NOTE: Tell no one of this! Especially do not tell Congress. Do not tell the "Secret" Services, which we both know are neither "secret" nor good at keeping secrets. Do not tell Laura. As to Mr. Cheney, he already knows and *he* thinks he is keeping it from *you*?so this is your chance to show him who is smart and who is not so smart. Together we will soon be making a "killing!"