A New Place For Straights

Gone are the days when Manhattan bars had a separate entrance for women. If there are exclusive men's clubs out there, they're strictly for exclusive men. Meanwhile, entire blocks of bars meant for miserable guys of all ages are getting turned into places that serve $4 brownies.

Regular guys, however, still have an option. There's one kind of place where women simply aren't found, and that's the gay sex club. These clubs are often frequented by men who buy $4 brownies, but let's not take sides. We straights should be embracing our gay brethren. More specifically, heterosexual men need to start enjoying the environs in which our gay brethren embrace each other.

So let's all agree to take over this place called The STUDio.

Nobody can argue with the brilliance of The STUDio's location-which is to say that they're right around the corner from the New York Press offices. Just hit the 2nd floor buzzer anytime after midnight (and earlier on the weekends). The journey into manhood begins with a flight of stairs covered in rotting moldy carpet. If these stairs led to your bedroom, your girlfriend would decide that you had to move in with her immediately. It's the equivalent of a circle of salt to keep the zombies at bay.

And that's only the first gauntlet. The STUDio already has a perfect entry requirement: You must show your penis before entering. This is probably intended to keep law-enforcement types outside, but it also serves our purposes. I'd like to see the feminist organization that'll take a must-show-your-penis rule before the court.

More so, even if they do and win, we'll still have a precious few months where guys won't have to worry about stumbling onto a performance by Murray Hill.

The non-membership fee is $35, but becoming a member is easy enough. You have to fill out a form that includes some questions about your sexual preferences. This may seem excessively personal, but you've already shown your penis.

Which brings us to the dress code-there is none. Nobody at The STUDio is going to care whether your suit is from Barneys or Fred's. You're expected to walk around in your underwear. For married guys this means the chance to suddenly feel single again. As it is, guys are already abusing the STUDio's lax clothing requirements.

The STUDio's actual environment resembles a clubhouse built by the Little Rascals who survived the urban apocalypse of a cheap Italian Mad Max rip-off. There are plenty of overhead fans mounted everywhere. Nobody's going to mistake this place for a sauna-even in August.

Even so, when I visit one guy assures me that it gets pretty hot here in winter, and all the guys are pretty friendly. They don't care much for small talk, but at least it's easy to start a conversation. I'm briefly disappointed that my bringing up sports doesn't really spark a dialogue. Then again, I don't really care about sports. It's another good sign that The STUDio is for guys of all shapes and sizes-and ages, within reason.

And can you smoke at The STUDio? I get the impression that you're actually encouraged to smoke cigars on what's known as "the back porch." I light one up, and I'm informed by some guy that another guy will show up later on and help me put it out. But he's not showing up until after 2 am, and I can't really wait that long.

Moreover, this back porch is an enclosed area, so smokers won't feel like they're being sent off into the night. There's even gym equipment there. Non-smokers hang out there and basically do anything they want. In fact, you'll see entire groups of guys doing anything they want.

The music in the club, however, sounds like the soundtrack to Emmanuelle Goes to a Rave in Zimbabwe. The men whose pictures are on the walls aren't celebrities that most heteros would know, but they're all handsome young specimens.

The furniture is designed for reclining. They've even got small hammocks slung up all over the place, plus some padded U-shaped fixtures that certainly look comfortable. The room that houses the large TV is equally comfy. And there are very cool-looking plaster molds of The Seven Deadly Sins. Could this be converted into a club for straight guys?

Another brief for the place is its liquor policy. There is no problem here with adult beverages, since The STUDio is strictly BYOB.

The place has plenty of bathrooms. Of course, there is a hole in one of the bathroom walls in need of patching up.

To take over, those of us who are straight will have to move fast. The regular clientele is now back from the Hamptons, so we'll have to establish our own presence quickly and efficiently. Allow me to quote Patti Smith (who's another good reason to maintain that rule about showing your penis.) She once managed to say one smart thing in another NYC club that's overdue for a change in clientele. "We created it," she declared. "Let's take it over."