Ad-Space

The U.S. Federal Aviation Administration proposed last Thursday to "amend its regulations to ensure that it can enforce a law that prohibits 'obtrusive' advertising in zero gravity." Apparently the government doesn't want our billboards to compete with our foreign policy, which is currently in charge of said obtrusive advertising. Citing vague concerns like the diminished "darkness of the night sky," and the almost-Koanic gripe "Objects placed in orbit, if large enough, could be seen by people around the world for long periods of time," the FAA is compromising the world's destiny.

Instead of darkness-sleek, everything-proof polymer projectiles tracing smoke-rings around the earth: a 15-minute call could save you 15% on car insurance. Hungry? The first-ever yogurt in a tube is perfect for on-the-go kids. C'mon, you're at a rooftop party, on your twelfth sangria, you look up and: VISA? IT'S EVERYWHERE YOU WANT TO BE. Adds a new dimension, doesn't it?

Nineteenth century: national space, national culture. 20th century: global space, global culture. 21st century? Clearly universal space, universal culture-it's our patrimonial mandate, our charter. Why advertise in space? Why not. Comparatively our national media savvy is on par with the Piper Cubs that troll the Jersey shoreline. But once Rupert Murdoch enlists the R&D department, the possibilities will be endless: holographic wedding proposals, political coup instant replays, Wolf Blitzer Universal, declarations of war, presidential addresses, Eddie Izzard comedy specials, Oprah syndicated? prime-time, baby.

I can anticipate the dissenting arguments: It's ugly. We have no right. The space-race is an anachronism. It's unnatural. But didn't Goethe say that what's unnatural is also natural. Dig? We're being resolvedly unadventurous, prissy, genteel-the pussyfooted antipode of the Phoenicians who discovered this continent. Are we going to let the Koreans turn space into their private money-yard? Exotic Asian curlicues are requisite space-advertising eye-candy, no doubt, and Devanagari script is hot-in an ambivalent antiquated/futuristic kind of way-but with the federal deficit being what it is not, commodifying space amounts to negligence. I guarantee you, other governments will not be so space-shy, and we're going to end up with space adverts we can't even read. Chto bi bistro otbelit' zubi?

Look, if we start sputnikin' now, by the time the Earth's orbital path becomes affordable we'll be on to other planetary systems, other dimensions, shoving greenbacks down black-holes. The FAA is positioning itself as an enemy of nothing less than the final frontier of Manifest Destiny. Bring on the astrobucks!