Having read your column for a few months now, I can't help but notice the rapid turnover in your dates/sexual partners. Without making any moralistic judgments, do you really think this is normal? Most of your advice comes from the perspective of someone who seems to have a new partner every week. This seems very atypical to me. I'm a fairly good-looking guy and get my share of dates, but it takes me far longer to feel comfortable sleeping with someone than your advice suggests. This is true of my friends, as well. Is there some secret to sparking such passion so quickly, or am I an unemotional cold fish swimming in frigid social circles? -Y Not
Hey-if I'm not mistaken, you just called me a slut! Even though it was in a cloaked, rather backhanded way, that's still not very nice. It's also not exactly true, as I've been sleeping with the same guy for over a year now. And while I may have had my trampy moments, mama didn't raise no cheater. When I write about the various gentlemen with whom I've enjoyed (or not) carnal moments, I'm culling them from an extensive collection of past experiences. And yes, perhaps I've been around the block a few dozen more times than your average lady, but, more likely, I'm just a bigger blabbermouth than most. For the record, I've had several long-term relationships (six years being the max) and several six-or-so-monthers, mixed in between with various one-night stands, assorted two-week liaisons and a smattering that lay somewhere in between. As for being "normal," I guess that's never been a big concern of mine, so I have no clue. What I do know is that there are different reasons to have sex. You seem to be only interested in the kind that leads to a relationship. And that's fine for you (and in fact, I'm sure there are quite a few women out there thinking you quite a catch at the moment), but not everyone has the same goal-oriented approach to getting down. For example, haven't you ever indulged in the Therapeutic Screw? The kind of hot, anonymous schtupping that comes right after you've had your heart (or ego) shat upon by some undeserving party whom you had the wretched luck to fall for? After a looooong-term relationship went south, I waited well over 600 days before getting naked in front of someone else again. By then, I'd made all my friends crazy ("Yes, Judy, you've already told me a million times that you haven't gotten laid in two years-now shut it!") and convinced myself I was boy repellant incarnate. I'd also formed an unnaturally close alliance with my battery-operated self-pleasure appliances and found myself blushing and tongue-tied whenever in the presence of anyone even remotely attractive. You might think this social awkwardness sounds mildly charming, but in reality, it appeared more mildly retarded.
This idiocy went on for a very long time, until a 21-year-old named Ernie put an end to it. Oddly enough, after a night of liquor-inspired ugliesbumping, we were awoken the next afternoon by the local marching band practicing under my window. At the first clash of the cymbals, Ernie leapt out of bed looking alarmed, and by the time the horn section chimed in, he was nervously inquiring how to get back to Jersey. I couldn't stop laughing, but pointed him in the general direction of the subway.
I never saw young Ernie again, but he'd served his purpose. All it took was one night with a scorching near-teen (who ridiculously attempted to camouflage his Bayonne brogue with a bogus Scottish drawl) to get rid of the stinkin' thinkin' keeping me chaste. Other TSes have been less successful (the support-hose-wearing clubdick, the coke-snorting British stalker, etc.), but I still think my theory viable in certain cases if you choose your cure with care. There are assorted other reasons to romp sans relationship- sport, revenge (don't do it-never quite works out as planned!), boredom, the mercy lay (an even worse idea than the revenge fuck), the great experiment ("Hey, I wonder what a stockbroker's penis looks like? Let's find out!") and so on. Those instances aside, I can't say I've always been so pragmatic about sex. The biggest heartaches I've suffered have been caused by jumping twat-first into what I thought was a relationship. You know that initial heart-pounding ardor you get when you meet someone whose pheromones complement yours in the exact right way? I've been blinded by that. And then when some awkward-looking guy in glasses tells you something unexpectedly hilarious and suddenly this formerly average schmoe is the hottest thing in pants? I hate that. Dorks are my downfalls. It's when I've slept with those guys too quickly that my heart has been shattered.
So yes, if you want to be in a healthy, wholesome relationship, you are correct. You should take the time to get to know your special naked friend before you shove your tongue (and other things) up inside their business. But let's not rule out the occasional recreational rutting, please.