Asking For It

Q. I'm just wondering why, in all of the discussion about "what to do when he doesn't call," no one mentions that the best way to keep from being made a fool of (or worse, an impregnated or infected fool) is to do the boring, old-fashioned, uncool thing and simply wait to get to know a person (as far as that is possible) before jumping into bed with them.

There's simply nothing like showing some self-respect by preserving good boundaries. If a gal's bedroom door opens like an automated supermarket entrance, she should expect to be stepped upon. Therefore, if your readers are truly interested in sparing their granddaughters some heartache, as one of them recently phrased it, teach the young'uns to make the intelligent decision and look out for themselves, rather than expecting Mr. Nightclub to do it. This seems by far the more advisable route.

(It would be nice to be able to reform assholes, but given human nature, how likely is that? And what about the way males are raised? Anyway, why would a woman want a follow-up phone call if it's from the dickhead who perpetrated a fuck 'n' dump?)

Yes, I'm very happily and stably married. And, indeed, when I met Mr. Perfect, I knew that he would have been well worth a one-night stand. But I chose to take the risk that things might turn out that way, because to attach expectations and "have-to" clauses to another person-an unknown and unknowable quantity-is insanity. Real relationships, as opposed to fleeting mating behaviors, demand the willingness to take time and to take a chance.

Take your risks, if you must, but make sure they're worth it-and make sure you mean it. If you don't want to feel like a fool, don't behave like one. No one can take advantage of someone who isn't out there for the taking.

-Danielle

A. It's enough of an ass-chapper when men think less of a broad who chooses to kiss him on the pants before bothering to learn his last name or what astrological sign he was born under. It's about a billion times more infuriating when it's another woman-and a happily married one at that!-casting aspersions and doling out value judgments.

Sometimes a lady gets horny and impatient, and sometimes that same lady doesn't feel like waiting three dates or two months (or whatever arbitrary hold-out number is currently being bandied about by so-called relationship experts) to get naked with her latest beliked. How is pre-relationship sex indicative of a lack of self-respect? Sometimes a lady just wants to fuck. I can respect that. Can't you? Apparently not. I've had several long-term relationships with people I slept with on our first date.

Any man who looks down on the person he's just had his dick inside of-simply because she let him-is beneath contempt and should have his flaccid wiener Krazy-Glued to his thigh (á la what Sean Young allegedly did to James Woods). Yes, there are scumbags out there who will feed you a bunch of bullshit just to get laid, but most men are not nefarious wolves, just laying in wait to prey on the innocent (stupid) little lambs that you seem to consider most women.

I've got news for you, sister: Shady behavior is not gender-specific. About a year ago, a very close male friend of mine slept with a woman he'd just met that evening. He quite liked her and thought they were starting something. Apparently not. After their next date she informed him she'd returned to an ex and dumped him. Now, a year later, she sends word through a mutual friend that she's worried my pal thinks of her as a "slut" and, through this friend, assured him that she "never" does that kind of thing. (Erm, yeah?except when she does.) Snore. Who cares? He sure doesn't. He has a lovely new girlfriend who cheerfully cops to being a bit slutty.

I adore letters like yours that equate sex outside of a monogamous relationship with pregnancy and disease. Unlike smug, coupled jackasses, I assume a certain level of intelligence among my readers and don't insult that intelligence (no matter how marginal it might be) by droning on about the importance of condoms. I figure anyone capable of both reading a newspaper and talking someone into having sex with them is most likely aware of the importance of glovin' the lovin'. Therefore, I am free to address more interesting topics.

Such as? Why do happily married couples feel compelled to cast pitying eyes on those of us still looking around?

And?

How can someone who hasn't dated in several years have any idea what it's like out there?