Boarder Problems

I have recently moved back in with my ex-girlfriend, but only as roommates and nothing else. At the time of deciding to move in, I'd had a steady date for two months. By the time I officially moved in, I was single again. Before moving, my exgirlfriend and I were great friends. After the break up we would tell each other about our other relationships and it was fine. So I thought it would be cool between the two of us to move back in together. Turns out I do still have feelings for her and I feel that I shouldn't. I know that I will get over it and that I have better things to do and all that crap.

She recently started to date someone else and it is driving me nuts. I know that this will pass too. But what really bothers me is wondering what he looks like. Will finding out what he looks like make me feel better or worse? Sometimes not knowing is better than knowing? However, there is something to be said about closing the door on a situation.

Thanks for your help.

-D.W.

Cohabitating with anyone is difficult enough. My Special Naked Friend recently moved in with me, and guess which of the following we did not have a huge, gigantic, shrieking fight about this past weekend:

? The enormous number of plastic bags I'd unknowingly ferreted away under the sink.

? Where to store the cat litter.

? My rejection of his bright idea that we screw unsightly mesh baskets into my pristine hot-pink kitchen wall.

Okay, that was a trick question. We actually fought about all these things.

(And more!)

And yes, while every one of these arguments was an idiotic waste of time and energy, we could take solace in the fact that once we got over it, we could have sex.

Not so with the platonic roommate. When someone you're not banging gives you shit about your plastic-bag collection, that's a whole 'nother beast. Because you can't (or won't) have anything to look forward to in the bedroom, these arguments tend to escalate into passive-aggressive pissing contests with "lost" phone messages and mysteriously disappeared boxes of Cap'n Crunch as a result.

As if the above two scenarios weren't frightening enough, you've chosen to do one better. Moving in with an ex is as good an idea as sliding your bare ass across a subway seat, licking a random city sidewalk or asking Angelina Jolie to keep an eye on your husband while you're out of town. Stupid, stupid and stupid.

Of course you're going nuts; she's got a hot new boyfriend and you've got nothing. She's having the kind of freaky sex she'd never have when you were together, while you're stuck jacking off to the internet. In addition to loosening your grip on sanity, it must also be maddening to know that you've got nobody to blame but yourself. Or did somebody crack you across the noggin with the dum-dum stick? Seriously-didn't you consult any friends before moving in with someone you used to be in love with? Maybe your pals are kinder than mine, but my buddies would've locked me in a closet until I regained my senses. That you ever thought this a good idea leads me to believe you had a head start on the whole "going nuts" thing.

I've got news for you, pal. It doesn't matter what the new guy looks like. You're obviously worried that he's foxier than you. You're praying he's a lactose-intolerant, Carrot Top-looking motherfucker who lives with his parents and scratches his balls compulsively. You think that'll make you feel better. That would be utterly incorrect.

Him being a hottie is the best case you could hope for. Who's going to object to their ex replacing them in their hearts with someone along the lines of a Jake Gyllenhaal or George Clooney?

But if he's a real barker, what then? Sure, knowing you're cuter than her new suitor will be satisfying, but only for about 10 minutes. After that, you'll start obsessing on the fact that since he's not much to look at, he must have something you don't. Your first thought will be that he has a bigger wiener (like you haven't already been wondering that). Then you'll start imagining that not only is he hung like Tommy Lee, he's got moves you can't even fathom, a bank account that dwarfs Donald Trump's and smarts like Stephen Hawking's. Only this dude ain't in no wheelchair, he's sliding in and out of your girlfriend's business. No wonder she feels fine about living with a eunuch like you. She's dating a lean, mean fuck machine.

Anyway. Getting back to your question. As I think I've ably illustrated, whether or not you ever get a look at this guy isn't a question you should be asking. Instead of wasting your time wondering about the new guy, you should be scouring the want ads, finding yourself some new exgirlfriend-free digs.