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I've had girlfriends, and now a wife, but I've never been with a pro. Drawing on your extensive research, can you tell me how those experiences differ from dating or marital sex? Is it the attraction of the illicit, or just the desire of a professional to please a client, or is there something more to it?

-Name Withheld

There are about a million different reasons one decides to go the pay-for-play route. A girlfriend of mine hired a variety of male escorts in order to get back at her philandering husband. Another pal is very specific about his physical specifications-he likes big butts and he cannot lie! He can't always find these qualities in the women he dates, so he occasionally leases.

The rent-girl/boy's appeal is obvious; an attractive someone comes over to your apartment (or, even better, a hotel), you give him/her an agreed-upon fee, he/she gives you an orgasm. There's no need to sit through his band's CD or feign interest in her extensive collection of troll figurines. You both know what you're there for, so you don't have to engage in that sometimes exciting, but all-too-often-exhausting, mating dance.

We womenfolk like to think it's just the grotesquely disfigured fella who's hiring all those hookers. You know, the man so physically repulsive it renders him completely unfuckable by all but the most strong-stomached and well-paid professionals. But contrary to what we ladies might want to think, these poor souls are the minority. Lots of guys-lots of perfectly good looking, normal guys-either have paid or will pay for sex at some point in their life.

It's not like you can tell a potential hooker-hirer just by looking at him. Sure, some guys are easy-the leghumping douchebag you caught peeking through the crack in the ladies room door, the asshole misogynist who works in sales, the cripplingly shy nerd who walks your dog-these guys are all likely candidates. But what about that sweet elderly gentleman who's dating your aunt Sarah? He may be ponying up sawbucks to have an underage tranny take a crap in his mouth.

Then there's the dude who wants what he wants when he wants it. When he decides he'd like a little oral action and he's either temporarily single, or out of town or in the mood for a redhead instead of a blonde, he dials 1-800-BLOWJOB, much in the way he orders a new pair of pants. For him everything boils down to commerce, and he gives getting laid about as much thought as he does getting a boil lanced.

Of course there are the scamps who get off on the thrill of doing something naughty. Much like so many young girls think themselves all scandalous by playing Lesbian 'Til Graduation, these guys will eventually grow up and realize that there's really very little that will shock anyone anymore.

Then again, there are the women-haters who feel that at base all dames are whores anyway, but I like to think that there aren't too many of them.

Some johns are just bored and horny, still others have a kink that's not easily negotiated in "mainstream" society. I mean, there are women who won't put a dick in their mouths. Imagine what happens to a guy who is really out there in terms of what gets him hot? Can you understand how frightening it is for the average guy to tell his new girlfriend he can only get off if he's dressed in full stinky diapers, with a ball gag in his mouth, the soundtrack from Diva on volume 11, all the lights on and the curtains open? At best, your average woman would think him a freak; at worst, she's laughing at him, then running out the door while screaming. But with a hired helping hand, he doesn't have this worry because anything that he could possibly cook up, there's no doubt she's seen weirder.

I've agreed with you in the past, but lately you seem to have come out of nowhere with an attitude of what looks like hostility toward men. For starters, you've written, "Let's face it fellas, you're a fairly annoying bunch."

Then you wrote, "not that I'd trust any man I know to take a pill every day-unless it came with a blowjob and a bag of Fritos." Are women more trustworthy than men, then?

And you finish with this gem: "Because if you were to truly investigate the history of female hysteria, you'd find that behind just about every psycho bitch, was some dude making her that way." Do ladies also make men hysterical, or is it a one-way street?

Right about now you probably think I'm just being whiny. But plug "Jews" in the first sentence I called you on, in place of "fellas." In the second one, substitute "black" for "man" and for "blowjob and a bag of Fritos"; insert "chicken-leg and a 40 of Old English. In the last one, replace "dude" with "queer" and you'll hopefully see what I'm getting at.

Bottom line: I don't demean women. I offer women and men the same level of respect, and I expect the same back from either.

-Craig

Oh, please. Let me assure you that I find goyem men as annoying as Jewish men, who are easily as annoying as black men who are right up there with queer men. And I'm certain that if I were banging broads, they'd get on my nerves too.