Computer Pooter

A friend of mine is wondering if she should be worried about her new boyfriend's fascination with internet pornography. As I told her what I thought, I thought you might also find my experience enlightening.

I got hooked on pornography as a teenager. It provided a quick fix and none of the challenges (longer warm-up time, PMS, too tired, etc.) associated with sex with a real woman. I didn't recognize the damage I was doing to my psyche or to the unfortunate women involved with me. After many years of failed relationships, I wondered whether the porno habit had anything to do with it.

Then I heard a sermon on men's issues; the preacher said that scientific studies prove that when a man has an orgasm, the brain is flooded with chemicals every bit as addictive as cocaine. When a man is using pornography for arousal, the neural pathways change and make it almost impossible to have an intimate relationship with a real woman. I was shocked, and immediately got into therapy for treatment of sexual addiction. That was several years ago. It's been challenging, but I am no longer a slave to it.

I told my friend that when her boyfriend masturbates using pornography, he is fantasizing about someone other than her. My guess is that she (or you) wouldn't put up with your boyfriend cheating on you with dozens of different women every week, but that's precisely what he is doing. Because masturbation (for men anyway) is entirely selfish, a man trades intimacy with you, for intensity with himself. Masturbation requires fantasy. It becomes nearly impossible for a porn addict to achieve orgasm without fantasy.

How would you feel if you knew that almost every time your boyfriend was having sex with you he wasn't being stimulated by you but by some porn starlet or ex girlfriend or a cute girl he saw on the street earlier in the day? Most women sense when their man is focused on someone else. My guess is that a lot of women have developed insecurities that have nothing to do with them and everything to do with their selfish partner. A lot of women are being hurt and many families torn apart because of the effects of pornography.

-Recovered SA

If pornography rendered every guy who looked at it incapable of being in a relationship, nobody would hook up ever and civilization as we know it would die out. In a nutshell, you're wrong.

Despite what a licensed therapist once told me, masturbation is perfectly healthy. (I got rid of the shrink and replaced him with a new vibrator.) And if my man fantasizes about someone else while he's spanking his monkey, so what? If I'm allowed to conjure up visions of Richard Belzer giving me a tongue bath whilst having my way with myself, he's certainly entitled to let his mind wander accordingly. As long as he keeps fucking me, I don't care if he make-believe butt-bangs Jenna Jameson while I'm otherwise occupied.

I used to attend Weight Watchers meetings (mock if you want, but it worked!) and would always be amazed at the tales from the binge-eater contingent: women (and the occasional man) who could leave no gallon of ice cream uneaten, no cookie crumb unscarfed. Leftovers (if there were any) never made it to the next day. These types would literally get up in the middle of the night and lick the cupboard clean of whatever innocent foodstuffs happened to be lurking within.

But most of the attendees were more like me: lazy mopes who couldn't be bothered to exercise and found it far easier to get a pizza delivered than assemble a sensible salad or unearth the George Foreman and grill up a piece of chicken.

You, my friend, are like the former, the guy who gobbled porn 'til it made him sick. Much like drunks who can't have just one and cokeheads incapable of a single bump, you can't help but overdo it. And like the newbie sober A-acolyte (Old-timers realize they're the exception, not the rule), you can't fathom a fella who can handle his online lechery responsibly, without the "inevitable" descent into degeneracy. Sure, there are freakish types who replace their real-life sex lives with computer sex, but most men prefer the feel of real boobies.

You are certainly entitled to live a nudie-free existence, but by denying yourself, I bet you spend a lot more time thinking about it than those of us who allow ourselves the occasional peek. Now excuse me while I peruse the new issue of Sweet Action.* Heh, heh.

*Porn for ladies like me, who enjoy checking out underweight hipster types wearing only their birthday suits!