Desperately Seeking Snookums
I haven't had sex in two and a half years. I took some time off to deal with my depression and make myself a happier person; now I'm ready to start dating again and find myself a nice hottie muffin. I am having no luck on Lavalife or Match.com (despite not using endearing terms like "hottie muffin").
Is there anything I could do to spice my profile up or make it look better? My pics are not great, but I still hardly look like Quasimodo in them.
All I am looking for is a fairly smart, decent-looking, nice (honest) gal. I must have sent out 150 emails! It's so frustrating.
Should I use more pictures? What is proper online etiquette? Perhaps my profile is too boring, but then when it's too weird, that's a problem too.
What should I do?
-Q
First off, don't ever use the term "hottie muffin" again. Men who get laid do not use such phrases. I know it's been a while, but the first step toward getting a piece is embracing the mindset of a fella who's knee-deep in tail. And let me assure you, that guy is not comparing foxes to baked goods.
Obviously, finding some hot fuck action is (and should be) your top priority, because otherwise you're not going to remember how to do it when you finally do come face to cooter with someone you actually want to go out with more than once.
Which is why I recommend you try some other sites. Though Lavalife is a little saucy, Match.com's dork factor has always been too high for me to deal with. Nerve.com has some marginally hipper (i.e., sluttier) members, so you might want to give them a whirl. The following are some general rules to date by.
Let's talk about photos. While chemistry, personality and sense of humor are important (snore), most people answer ads based almost entirely on looks. Sorry, I don't write the rules; I only report them.
Which is why posting stiff, overly posed photos of yourself that appear as though they were snapped on your way home from a dental visit isn't exactly reeling the ladies in. If you find that you're self-conscious having someone else take your photo, invest in a camera with a timer and a jumbo-sized bottle of tequila. You'd be surprised how hard it is to grimace when you're liquored up to the gills. (Of course you want to stop short of drooling-doofus drunk.)
Oh, and make sure you use a variety of backdrops, and don't forget to mess your hair up and change outfits so it looks like the pictures were taken over the course of a year and not in one idiotic, drunkypants afternoon. Photo booths at bars are another possible solution.
You say you hesitate to veer off into goofy, but I must confess I'm a sucker for silly. Thus, I answered an ad placed by one guy whose face was dotted with electrodes and another grinning maniacally in front of a wall of skulls. And it's not just my freaky ass that digs kooks; much to my eventual grouchiness, neither of these guys had any shortage of respondents. So you might want to rethink that position.
Once you have a variety of photos, ask a lady friend to thumb through them and pick out the ones she likes best. You'll probably disagree with her, but use the ones she finds foxiest. In this case (as in so many others), women know best.
Only once you have the picture situation sorted out, can you begin to worry about content. For your edification, I'm going to include a short list of Do's & Don'ts (just like a woman's magazine-stay tuned for a quiz next week!).
Do NOT natter on about how embarrassed you are to be trawling for tail on the internet. Even my dad has done online dating-get over yourself.
DO spellcheck. Along the same line, using cutesie spellings or numbers instead of words is to be avoided, unless you happen to be an 11-year-old girl or Prince. I shouldn't even have to mention this, but emoticons are verboten-and that includes my own personal ass-chapper, "LOL."
Do NOT use words whose definition you are less than 100 percent sure about. Der.
Do NOT limit yourself to dating only white people unless you are an ignorant piece-of-shit racist, which is how you come off by listing that as a requirement.
Do be realistic-most women over 5'10" weigh more than 120 lbs. Even the skinny ones.
Do NOT list the many things you don't want in a dame. That smacks of bitterness, and bitter boys don't get blowjobs.
DO be brief (though not cryptic). And avoid overdisclosure. We don't need to know you were breast-fed before we've seen your pecker.