Dr. Dot
Q. I read your column all the time and saw your site and found out you do massages. My girlfriend is always asking me to massage her, but I don't know how. She says I suck at it. I know this isn't a sex or love question like most of them, but if you could give me some advice on how to massage, I would be stoked. Thanks!
-Fumbling Fred
A. No problem, Fred. Giving a mind-blowing rubdown is one of my specialities. Here's six easy steps so she'll "knead" you even more.
1) Getting Ready: Find a few thick blankets and make room on the floor. Naturally, a cushioned massage table is the best, but a floor is second best. Then, set the mood by making sure the room is warm, lighting soft. If she wants music, let her choose. It's best for you to wear loose-fitting clothing that breathes. Both of you getting naked is always an option. Keep blankets, sheets and towels available to lie on and to cover her while massaging. Get all of her hair out of the way and use massage oil (lotion is a nightmare since it balls up constantly). The lube doesn't have to be expensive; even olive oil will do. Have your girlfriend lie face down and get a pillow.
2) Lube her up: Never put oil directly onto a person's skin. This is shocking and cold and is sure to ruin the mood. So always warm the oil in your hands first. Rub her back first: It's the biggest area with a lot of tension. Lean onto your hands to make nice and strong strokes. Putting one hand on top of the other increases the strength and will feel great for her. Drag your fingertips heavily up and down the back, just alongside the spine. Use your thumbs to rub the muscle that runs from beneath her skull down to her shoulder in a firm motion. Never waste a trip-go down the back, and without losing skin contact, rub her up the back as well. It's wonderful if you can do the whole massage without losing skin contact; always have one hand on her body. Also, I cannot stress enough how important it is to have very short nails: One wrong move with a nail and she'll lie there worrying about the next attack instead of giving into the pleasure of a massage.
3) Going deeper: To be sure you are giving a great massage, just try to imagine the body you are rubbing is your own. How would you like to be rubbed? Always keep this in mind and pamper her. Talking during a massage is counterproductive, but if you must chat, save it for the foot massage, where you can both have eye contact. If she wants more pressure, and your grip is not strong enough, use your forearm and elbow to rub the muscles, avoiding bones. After at least 20 minutes on the back, cover her and move to the legs. Kneel at the feet and use both hands to stroke up the leg, using body weight (as always). Avoid too much pressure on the back of the knee.
4) Face time: Wash your hands before moving onto the face. Before you add more oil, gently rub and stretch her neck from underneath, then use your fingers tips to scrub the scalp as if you were a hairdresser washing someone's hair. This feels amazing and when done correctly, the person receiving this vigorous scalp massage will plead with you to never stop. After releasing scalp tension, put a tiny amount of oil onto your hands and gently massage her face. Be extremely gentle around the eyes and use firm circular movements on the forehead to relieve headaches and tension. Be sure to massage all around her cheekbones and jaw. This releases tension from talking and eating. Gently pinch along her eyebrows, squeezing the stress out of them. Make figure-8 movements on each temple with two fingertips.
5) Belly Rub: When you massage the abdomen, be gentle but firm enough that it doesn't tickle her. Place hands side-by-side on her lower abdomen, and slowly glide gently up towards the ribs. Then take both of your hands and glide them out and over all the ribs and repeat. Use large circular movements to cover all areas. Pretend your girl is a giant pizza dough and knead her abdomen from side to side, back and forth. This aids in digestion and relieves period cramps as well. But, hey, don't be shocked if she farts during the belly rub; it means you're doing a good job. Massage isn't always sexy or glam.
6) Bite Me: One of my personal favorite (and most controversial) techniques is when I bite the whole back up and down in a very fluent motion bit by bit, avoiding any bones (before lube, of course). I take big bites, obviously not strong enough to break skin, but firm and deep enough to go down, grab and "tenderize" the back muscles.
Remember, massage is the ultimate way to spoil someone. If you want to give your girlfriend an erotic massage, wait until the end, after you have given her a thorough, proper massage-then it'll mean more. Anticipation is the best aphrodisiac.