EATS, SHOOTS, AND LEAVES

Five years into the Accountability Administration, and nothing's changed. Social promotion is still crippling our schools. Brats like Mike Brown and Scooter Libby point their fingers at everyone but themselves. Victims continue to be blamed, and criminals get to cower behind sniveling excuses. It's time people stopped passing the buck, and started owning up. And now surprise, surprise-our esteemed vice-president (a.k.a., president-withouth-portfolio)-has been drawn into the web of "I didn't do it." As the world now knows, during a weekend quail-hunt, "Sergeant" Dick Cheney's friend, millionaire lawyer Harry Whittington (as if this the Bushies would know anyone who wasn't a millionaire), had to get a Texas-style lesson in personal responsibility. Whittington left the hunting party to search for a bird, but on returning, the 78-year-old F.O.D. "failed to announce himself and say, 'Hey, I'm behind you guys,'" according to Katharine Armstrong, whose family owns the Texas ranch the sportsmen were defending. What's more, he "was standing in a low spot ground with the sun behind it," stupidly wearing a bright-orange vest that blended into the sunset. That carelessness got Whittington rewarded with a face full of bird shot, courtesy of the vice-president of the United States.

Now, a true disciplinarian would have left the lawyer laying there in a pool of his own blood to give him time to ponder the mistake of daring to get into the v.p.'s line of fire. But kind Dick let his compassionate conservatism get the best of him, as usual. Whittington borrowed his personal team of doctors, who always accompany the ever-ailing second-in-command. The medics took the guy to a hospital in Corpus Christi. That Chaney charm was in full throttle when the veep took his "fuck you, asshole" smile to Whittington's sick bed for a full quarter of an hour before duty called and he had to head back to ensuring Halliburton's Iraq contracts. We only hope the senile sportsman took the opportunity to apologize to Dick for interfering with his shot. Lord knows, Cheney is a forgiving man, and it's never too late to say you're sorry.