Everybody's Got Some, But Nobody Drinks Liqueurs
One day I had a thought: liqueur. Now there was something useless. Thus I was inspired to begin a new collection. My friend Tom Bell who used to live in Spain said that it was customary in that country, after a meal, to bring out trays of varying fruit liqueurs to drink, but otherwise it was very 1940s and 50s.
I already had a small liqueur collection, inherited and acquired from folks who had moved to the ashram, died, etc. Sometimes a friend would leave the city. The half-empty bottles cannot be easily transported to a coffee-plantation in Oklahoma. But probably, once, they belonged to someone else and it would be wrong to throw them away. So they are passed on. Take your average partially evaporated bottle of Drambuie, for example. Doubtless there is not a rent-stabilized apartment in New York City that does not contain a dusty back cupboard containing this elixir. Once purchased or given as a gift, the liqueur is put in the cabinet, where it remains, growing Manhattan patina, similar to a geological formation such as stalactites. Think creme de menthe, Kahlua, Grand Marnier, Benedictine, chartreuse and one may find a common denominator, ficelle, thread or theme in all peoples of the greater metropolitan region who are older than, say, 30. Some may be Yankee fans; some may have vintage Norma Kamali dresses in a back closet, unworn since 1979. Some may own avocado-green kitchen appliances, others may have issues of New York Magazine dating back to when it was still called New York Magazine and Cue, but all have a bottle of Cherry Heering or one of its brethren tucked away somewhere.
It is remarkable that liqueurs are still being produced, manufactured, sold, for I have never seen one being drunk, apart from cassis, used to color/flavor white wine and champagne; and Chambord (same). Although I did once know a man who only drank Bailey's Irish Cream, to the exclusion of any other drink. While consuming a Chinese meal this fellow gulped the stuff down as his liquid accompaniment. As reviewed in Buying Guide to Spirits by the Beverage Testing Institute (edited by Alan S. Dikty, Sterling Publishing Co.) Bailey's has a "thick, viscous attack [that] leads to a full-bodied, rich mouthful. Exceptionally rich. Very lengthy, flavorful finish." There are also college students, but again that is a different culture.
What is a liqueur and how is it different from your eau-de-vie, schnapps, flavored wine or flavored brandy, kirsch and so forth? one may well ask. There is neither the time nor space for such nonsense here. It is possible to obtain peculiar and unusual liqueurs not only in different countries but even an inimitable assortment from liquor store to liquor store. Therefore, knowing that one is unlikely ever to see the same specimen again, I went on a wild buying spree, obtaining a vast and hideous variety that in an inspired moment I decided to make my girlfriend, Ellen Salpeter, drink and describe. I reluctantly agreed to aid her in the task. Our job was to taste and comment on approximately 60 liqueurs or be sick, whichever came first.
There are few challenges the two of us have looked forward to with so much loathing and trepidation. Take your Sandy Pittman, climbing Mt. Everest. Who would have thought of such a nasty way to spend an afternoon, when what we really wanted was a cold summer glass of pinot gris or dirty vodka martini, dry, straight up, the glass and vodka very chilled and a bevy of handsome male servants fluttering by with crudites and leering glances. Instead we parked the kids in front of a Scooby-Doo video and got out the hooch, rotgut, slop, Jersey Lightning, eye-opener, corpse-reviver, donk, canned heat, third rail, belly wash, catgut, conk buster, blue teat, stiffener, serum, hop toad, hard stuff, however you like to say.
Cynar (artichoke-flavored liqueur)
Ellen: It tastes like Jagermeister. Tama: I like it. It has an herbal, medicinal quality reminiscent of medicine. Ellen: Let's move on to Jagermeister, shall we? That way we can compare.
Jagermeister
Ellen: First of all, it's a bad bottle design. Tama: That's unfortunate, in a bottle. Ellen: You know, this is an art-school favorite. In fact, I used to do shots with art students. Tama: Why would art students want to do shots of this? Ellen: They have to. They're art students. It's what they do.
Wild Turkey Liqueur with Honey
Ellen: Oh, I like this. It's very much like bourbon with honey. Tama: Too sweet. It's like having a hangover without having drunk too much first. Ellen: But that could be kind of a good thing, just skip the whole first part and go right to the next day. Tama: It could cut down on a lot of calories.
Passionara
Ellen: One wouldn't say this is palate-cleansing. Tama: No, Ellen, it's a bit like drinking melted Good & Plenty. Ellen: Why, yes, Tama. But one would like it if one wanted to drink liquid licorice candy.
Kremora
Tama: It's like melted coffee ice cream. One could like it if one wanted to drink melted coffee ice cream. Ellen: Should I see if I have any crackers to cleanse the palate? Tama: Good idea. Stale ones might prove a pleasant distraction.
Banana Schnapps Liqueur
Ellen: Uuuggghhh. I don't even like bananas. Tama: Uuuugghh. Ellen: None of them list the ingredients. I find that mysterious. Tama: I see we're down by six. Isn't that wonderful?
Cask and Cream
Ellen: That's disgusting! The cream has a slimy, satiny finish on top of the? Tama: ?on top of the other slimy stuff.
Watermelon Smackers
Ellen: I wanna do Watermelon Smackers. The perfect color?! A lovely bouquet... Oh my... Jolly Rancher candy, liquefied. Tama: This is fun, right? Ellen: Maybe... I guess...if we mixed it with vodka. (gets some from freezer and tries) No! The two alcohols fight each other. They are not getting along. Tama: Fine idea, however. Had it worked...
Crème Key Lime KeKe Beach
Tama: I'm beginning to have a regurgitation effect. Ellen: Tastes like bad meringue pie from a Greek diner. Tama: But it has that nice rich-in-chemicals-and-preservative thing happening. Say, I'm quite anxious to try the Imitation Liqueur? Sour Apple.
Imitation Liqueur Sour Apple
Tama: Oh, I like this. It's hard to find imitation liqueur. Ellen: Jolly Rancher again. This is the stuff winos drink to get trashed. Tama: Can you imagine ordering it in some fancy restaurant?
Midori
Ellen: I have to confess I did shooters of this stuff in college. Midori and clear alcohols. Disgusting! Tama: Why, yes.
99 Blackberries (unable to open)
Ellen: Thank God.
Liquore di Limon
Ellen: This drink is currently very fashionable among the art-world crowd in Venice. If it was served cold...it might be better. Tama: The taste might be vastly improved. (Ellen gets ice cubes) Ellen: No, it isn't better.
Margarita Cactus Juice Liqueur
Tama: It tastes like a frozen margarita, only warm. Ellen: Yes, one that's been left in someone's car overnight in a plastic cup. Can't you do an article on cognac? Tama: Come, Ellen. Let us try one last thing?that bottle of lichen liqueur I brought you from Iceland?the one that looks like formaldehyde with little white bits of skin floating in it.
Cetraria Islandica Lichen Extract Schnapps
Tama: Oh dear. I see it's actually schnapps, not a liqueur. What the heck, shall we go for it anyway? Ellen: Very well. Why, it tastes like a glass of formaldehyde, with bits of skin floating in it. Tama: Could be healthy, though.
So yet another of my experiments, my attempts at delving into a subject and learning it thoroughly, had utterly failed. How I had longed to become inspired and to write inspirationally on new ideas and suggestions for things people could do with liqueurs. When would I learn. Perhaps some day that very special person might drop by, to whom I would say, "Might I offer you a liqueur? A Spirit of Solomon? Citrus Delight Sweet Fire Liqueur (rich aroma) or Barenjager Honey Liqueur (to be served cold?it tastes better)? Would you like Canton Delicate Ginger Liqueur or Elisir du Dr. Roux Liqueur (botanical)? Celtic Crossing Liqueur, celebrating Irish heritage? Domaine Charbay Black Walnut liqueur, set me back 75 bucks? Pear de Pear? Etrog Citron, kosher for Passover? Lapponia Lakka cloudberry liqueur made from the wild Arctic cloudberry?"
There were at least 30 bottles left to try. I would wait. If years passed and no liqueur-imbibing strangers arrived, eventually I would have to do something. I would motivate myself to make a night of it, fiesta, tie one on, paint the town red, go on a spree, rage, cut loose, whoop it up, raise the roof, rat fuck, kvell, get some grins, open a bottle. In the meantime they'll be snuggling safely in the back of the liquor cabinet. I've left a note of friends I want them given to in the event of my unexpected demise.