Everyone's a Critic

I take offense to your definition of "sporking" as sport-porking. The term was already in use in the sexual arena: If in the course of being "spooned" by a man, he gets an erection, then you've been sporked!

-Anon.

While I am deeply pained that I've offended you, "spooning" is one of those hairball-in-the-throat terms (along with "yoni," "love making" and "mucus plug") that I've banished from my lexicon. Therefore-at least in my little world-you're wrong.

But disgruntled cuddlers weren't my only critics this week. I ran into my normally supportive pal Kevin who also had a critique or two to offer.

"I read your column," he blurted, wearing a decidedly unimpressed expression. Uh, okay. Not really a statement that begs a reply, so I waited for him to finish.

"It was kind of tame," he finally offered.

"Kind of lame is what you obviously mean," I snapped in reply, not unlike a crazy lady.

I'd spent the week prior immersed in coprophagia research (don't ask), and I was a little on edge. These days, sexual taboos have just about disappeared.

Even the most deviant sex is so mainstream, about the only things your average sheltered person could possibly find shocking are crap-eating or bestiality. Between the internet and pay cable, we've become a fairly salty society.

Or have we?

A press release from Trojan convinced me otherwise. (I change my mind a lot.) They've recently started a line called "Elexa," specifically geared toward ladies too uptight to peruse the rubber rack, or (worse yet) purchase their condoms in clearly marked packages. Instead, the tastefully packaged Elexa line of condoms, gels and "freshening cloths" is being marketed alongside feminine hygiene products, where women's delicate sensibilities are presumably less likely to be offended by pack upon pack of Rough Riders. (Personally, I find the idea of douche way more offensive than ass sex, but that's just me.)

Obviously safe sex is vitally important, and if this makes it easier for shy ladies to be careful, I'm all for it. It just seemed kind of silly-if you're old enough to put a dick inside you, you should be brave enough to wrap it proudly. But I live with someone who's been known to turn bright red at the condom counter, so I could see their point.

However, it wasn't until I saw the red-headed stepchild of the line-the "Elexa Vibrating Ring"-that I became an enthusiastic Elexa convert. You can now find vibrating cock rings right next to extra?super absorbent pine-tree-scented tampons at the grocery store! Genius!

"Honey, could you pick me up milk, a pack of smokes and a vibrating cock ring on your way home from work?" (That is, unless you live in the orgasm-stifling states of Alabama, Colorado, Georgia, Kansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Texas or Virginia, where vibrating pleasure devices are actually illegal!)

I immediately found a number for the Trojan PR company and begged them to send me freebies. I'll tell you what-every day is like Christmas when you're a sex columnist! The kind publicist messengered over a bag of product that I'm only slightly ashamed to admit I tore through like a rabid weasel until finding what I was looking for.

Just like Bilbo, I found the ring!

I phoned my able-bodied assistant and ordered him to leave his office immediately-we had important research to perform. And perform it we did.

Now, while I've used vibrators of all shapes and sizes, I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that I've never bothered with cock ring variety. I will not be making that mistake again. While the Elexa version worked really, really well (is picturing your good friend with a quivering stiffy un-tame enough for you, Kev?), it has its drawbacks. The major one is that once the battery burns out (after 20 minutes of use), it's done for. And at about eight bucks a pop, it's not exactly a bargain.

So I phoned Rebecca Suzanne, marketing manager at babeland.com, as I'm not one of those women who's too shy to frequent sex shops. I was hoping for free sex toys, and wanted to know what they had to offer.

"We don't stock the disposable ones," she told me. Instead, they carry a variety of vibrating cock rings powered by watch batteries and others that come with regular-size battery packs that attach to the ring with a cord. The latter seemed kind of unwieldy to me, until Rebecca reminded me that more battery power meant a stronger vibration. Sold! These range in price from $16 to about $45, but they're well worth it for the hours upon hours of buzzing fun you'll have.