Fast Food In The Fast Lane

Ever since MC Hammer did it for KFC's popcorn-chicken campaign in the early 90s, the radio version of product placement has continued to ooze its way into rap music. According to Advertising Age, McDonald's is now offering to pay popular hip-hop performers to infiltrate the fast-food chain's Big Mac into their lyrics. The company will have final say over the appropriateness of the lyrics; the artist will retain artistic control over how they're incorporated into the track. Already, Kanye West and Busta Rhymes have agreed to promote the Big Mac by mentioning it in their rhymes. They will not receive an advance on royalties, but will be paid $5 every time the song is played.

Thus, only 10 airplays of a song including a brand-name plug for the two-all-beef-patty burger would net $50 for 50 Cent. The implications of this whole practice are just delicious. Price wars, for example. What's to prevent Burger King from upping the payment to $7 per play for every mention of the Whopper? Would McDonald's then make a counter-offer of $10?

Another possibility lies in the alliance between hip-hop and the porn industry started by Snoop Dogg. Can't you envision a computer screen with Snoop performing anal sex on a voluptuous blonde-a common theme in the world of Internet pornography-accompanied by a heavy drumbeat as Snoop chants, "Ooh ooh ooh ain't ya glad I mixed some Preparation H with the Astroglide? Who's your daddy now babe?" But please, gentlemen, try not to come on the keyboard.

Or how about candidates running for political office desperate to reach the "urban, 18?24" demographic? I can hear it now, stuck into the middle of a rap: "Hillary Clinton was married to the first black president/I mean this is what they used to call ol' Slick Willy with his little slick willy bein' the answer to the question-'Wassup?' and you know for damn sure that's who we wanna see in the Black House is Hillary, you know what I mean, dawg?" That would automatically get my vote.

Meanwhile, an internet hoax is claiming that the ultra-conservative Tokenback Institute, which specializes in mainstreaming right-wing values, will also begin paying hip-hop artists top money to insert political product placement into their raps. "We are set to offer popular artists like 'Fiddy Cent,' Fat Joe, P-Diddy or The Game $50 million," says CEO John Kressler, "to rap about some of our key issues like renewing the Patriot Act, abstaining from premarital sex and loving the wisdom and integrity of George W. Bush."

I'm embarrassed to admit, April fool that I am, I almost believed it to be true.