Hard To Get

As agonizing as acceptance has become for me, I have finally stopped the denial. I only want what I can't have. In the pursuit of a woman, this has become a problem. I have met a plethora of wonderful single women with great qualities who have lots in common with me. However, I don't find myself attracted to them. I find myself attracted to women who are mentally, physically and emotionally unavailable and/or they already have someone significant.

I understand to want what you can't have is human nature, especially for men. I also know that taking myself out back and putting myself down would correct the problem, but is there a less fatal corrective action here?

-No Simple Desires

While I'm all for big bold moves, suicide seems a rather drastic solution to your dilemma. So let's hold off on that for a while, shall we?

Despite what you might think, wanting what you can't have is a gender-neutral phenomenon. (I'm reminded of a pathetic obsession with a Swiss cartoonist who lived in Paris with his fiancée.) It's simply your heart's way of keeping you from getting gutted. True, pining away for someone you'll never have is painful, but at least you know what you're (not) getting... Long nights spent drinking dramatically, boring all those around you with your mournful tale of woe. Tearful long-distance phone calls to faraway friends (because you've exhausted everyone in your zip code) about how you'll never be happy because you can't have her? the inimitable (but married) Mitzi. Or the incomparable (and coincidentally, incarcerated) Corinne. Please.

Just think what would happen if you actually got involved with a real, live, available woman who actually wanted and was able to date you? True, you might get laid and fall in love, but then she might break your heart! Owie! Everyone knows broken hearts are fatal!

Oh, wait?

I know a guy who keeps a shrine (seriously!) dedicated to an ex-girlfriend in his bedroom. Complete with photos, a stack of letters and god knows what else-there it sits, artfully arranged, right there on a shelf. In plain sight of anyone who might happen by. Including any ladies he might be sleeping with. Did I mention this ex broke up with him over 10 years ago? By turning this broad (who, for all he knows, may look like an overstuffed prune by now) into a deity, my friend has effectively created a physical barrier to future heartbreak. How he still manages to get laid occasionally is a mystery to me, but like I said, some ladies love the unavailable!

Most people's barriers (like yours) aren't visible to the naked eye, but at least you're aware of it. It's not that there aren't a ton of candidates for you to fall madly in love with; you're simply not ready to take that risk. Bawk! Bawk! Bawk! (That would be the chicken noise.)

Maybe recognizing that this is your pattern will cure you of it, but probably not. It's not like a 12-step group. Admitting you have a problem only means that there's a real danger that you'll simply accept this as the way things are and continue stumbling through life with engorged cobalt blue balls. Or perhaps you'll force yourself to date women you're not interested in, simply because you think you should. (Please don't-we dreary suitable dames have enough problems without contending with a Pity Date.)

I would suggest you step things up and start gorging yourself on the unavailable. Actively seek out married women, crazy broads and ladies who live elsewhere. Quit thinking about your pretty, smart, sane friend Sarah (the one with the good job and clean apartment) as the kind of nice girl you should be attracted to, and instead enamor yourself with her anorexic sister, Brandy (the one married to the herpetic biker). Go online and find yourself a sweetie from Guam. Torture yourself with heartfelt emails and rack up debt with Verizon. Start carrying a torch for your boss's wife, and, better yet, tell her about it. Sure, you might lose your job, but at least your professional life will be as disastrous as your personal. And isn't matching a good thing?

Much like the small child who scarfs down an entire case of Twinkies while mommy's back is turned, eventually you're going to get a tummy ache from all this drama, pining and general retardation. Far be it from me to call anyone immature, but I'm betting this is something you'll grow out of, if only because as you get older, you get tired. What seems exciting in your twenties seems merely dopey by the time you hit your thirties. Trust me: Chasing married women and nutty dames around is a young man's game. Your only option is to grow the hell up.