Holiday Meals, at Home and Out, Plus a Little Dash of Elton John

Survived cooking for nine in my studio apartment on Thanksgiving. Shuttling the parade of turkey and trimmings out of my 5-by-7 kitchen is often compared to clowns coming out of a car. But it's simple enough and I think the menu would work well for a winter holiday meal, maybe with a couple of changes.

While you're potchke-ing, it's good to keep guests busy with some stuffed olives from the gourmet store and a bowl of shrimp. Mix ketchup, lemon juice and horseradish to accompany. Shellfish elicits a festive excitement. On the afternoon of a new job's holiday office party at Tavern on the Green, I noticed a growing gaggle of subordinates peering into my cube. "Can we gooooo?" Mystified as to why people would want to go to an office party at all, much less early, I grouchily inquired, "Why?" "We might miss the shrimp." I sprang into action, running up and down aisles putting an immediate stop to all productive activities. "C'mon, the work will still be here tomorrow. We gotta leave now!"

The first time I served shrimp at a holiday gathering I expressed reservations, as I didn't know how to use the deveiner. My aunt said not to worry, she'd show me. So after I buy a mess of shrimp I hand her the deveiner and she doesn't know what the hell she's doing. When I yell she says, "I don't know nuthin 'bout deveinin' no shrimp, Miss Scarlett." I've since learned to just use my thumb under running water.

A salad is a safe starter when there are vegetarians in the mix. Make dressing ahead?any old Italian dressing recipe (mine's from the 1972 Betty Crocker cookbook), but use olive oil and balsamic vinegar, more oil, less balsamic and some fresh lemon juice. Miss Michelle taught me to put small chunks of mild cheese in the salad. And cut-up pear is good. Put out some heated crescent rolls.

As always, I made roast turkey with oyster stuffing lest there be a riot. Add water chestnuts, sauteed onions, oysters and grenadine to prepared packaged stuffing. For a compulsory side, boil and peel yams ahead of time. Slice and layer in a casserole, dotting with a little butter and crushed pineapple. Mix brown sugar with orange juice and cinnamon and pour over all. Heat in the oven, then cover with marshmallows and broil till gooey.

Don't let anyone talk you into pureeing anything. For a December holiday, I think a ham is nice and maybe scalloped potatoes instead of sweet mallowed. Any recipe should be okay; it's hard to ruin potatoes, butter and cream. I never like those spiral-cut ready-to-serve hams. A big platter of asymmetric slabs of meat says feast better. For the vegetarians (and everyone else), I made a large casserole of baked macaroni and cheese. Again, assembled the night before and heated till bubbly on feast day.

Steam trimmed green beans ahead. A few minutes before serving, saute with butter and almond oil. Toss with toasted almonds. Cranberry sauce is a simple matter and can also be done ahead. Substitute dry red wine for the water. Everyone gets upset when you make cauliflower, so compromise with these people and buy a broccoflower. Steam the night before, then heat, butter and season a la minute. I like a little paprika myself.

Even if your meat is dry, if you have enough Beaujolais nouveau or pinot noir no one should notice. If it looks really dry, serve some iced lemon vodka with that shrimp.

To go with the food you need some conversation.

Me: Grandpa said he told you there were exactly 1000 seeds in every fig, so you started to count them.

My Victim: That is completely untrue.

Me: He said you were up half the night counting.

M.V.: Never happened.

Me: He said he didn't know if you ever got to 1000 because he went to bed and left you counting at the kitchen table.

An English teacher said she'd used me as an example when teaching Pygmalion.

"Did you know that some people say 'chaklit' and 'Floorada'?" The Queens kids were skeptical that such people exist.

With coffee we had apple pie with cheddar. I made pumpkin, too, but you might be sick of it by now. Pecan pie is a popular stand-in.

"Did you make this?"

"And you made this?"

"And this?"

Don't we go through this every year? The trick is to bake things you can freeze for a few days, like apple pie, pecan pie and the crescent rolls. You can't freeze a custard pie like pumpkin. Stash a bowl and wire whip in the freezer and make some whipped cream after dinner; doesn't take long and your guests will feel pampered. Add sugar and vanilla or a little liqueur.

For me, it's a must to have something chocolate on my dessert table. A simple something is a single layer of flourless chocolate cake (also freezeable) dusted with powdered sugar and ringed by raspberries. Toasted hazlenuts in the blender are used instead of flour.

I wound up with leftover dairy, so I froze some cookies from recipes out of the old Joy. I prefer the old Joy (still widely available) over the new Joy. What if you need to cook a bear or skin a squirrel? How else would you know that you should soak armadillo overnight in cold water before broiling? Or what if you have a craving for snipe? ("To use the entrails after cooking, sieve or chop the intestines and flambe them briefly in brandy.") The old Joy recommends stuffed boar's head for Christmas dinner, but I think ham or turkey will be just fine. An alternative leftover reference is the Boolean recipe search at epicurious.com. Ex.: "ham and cream not cheese."

So do it?worst-case scenario you screw it all up and bring everyone over to Bryant Park Grill for the $45 Christmas Day prix-fixe. Lobster bisque, roast turkey and baked chocolate mousse with homemade pistachio ice cream is one possible combination off that menu. You've got a credit card, right?

Some days after Thanksgiving, Miss Michelle called from the cellphone that she finally broke down and bought. She said her little sister was having contractions, but the hospital told them to go away, as it was still too early. So they were walking around the mall. She called to tell me she was supposed to have lunch the next day with Julie and see Elton John, but would tell Julie to take me instead, due to her impending niece. She griped about missing the mini-concert, to which her little sister responded, "Fuck you." Ah motherhood. The name "Julia Lane" was being considered, but I think "Lane Julia" is much better. I also suggested "Lane Julie Barb Michelle" to deaf ears.

When I see Julie, I want to dye those grays, tweeze those brows and put some eyeliner on her. She owes it to the feminist cause. I've heard that on a cruise she was held down while makeup was forcibly applied for a New Year's Eve party. She's an American Red Cross volunteer. I tell her I feel so badly that people have been criticizing her organization for trying to be prepared for future attacks when they don't know when they will hit, which of us they will kill or even what the nature of the attacks will be. I can see by her reaction that she has felt hurt over this. It's not uncommon for her to be awakened at 2 in the morning to go help out. She's spending an evening and a weekend day this week on Red Cross activities, and this is a girl who plays soccer twice a week, volleyball once a week, runs at lunchtime, is in the midst of painting her house and has a job that involves actual work. I also thought it was a shame that their president is being forced out when she's been trying to fight anti-Semitism in the International Red Cross.

On line, we're given goody bags and chartreuse wristbands. Once inside, a plentiful free lunch was served while Elton was at The View. Over-mayoed pasta salad, perfectly acceptable sandwiches and chocolate chip cookies that we ate first. Bud was the beverage of choice. It being noon, we stuck with coffee. I recognized the hard-faced Scott Shannon. Thought I recognized a friend of a friend who did sales for PLJ but it turned out to be a guy named "Race." (I know, people who live in glass houses...)

The China Club lounge, a downright cozy venue, found Sir Elton in fine voice and most Eltonesque. Himself and a keyboard, he was still way too big for the small stage; just overwhelming. Even the radio guy next to me was rapt. Three from the new album, "Ballad of the Boy in the Red Shoes," "I Want Love," "This Train Don't Stop There Anymore" and "Your Song," which he said he plays at every show. A very pleased group of fans with lots of love for Elton. He said, "Well done, New York," regarding our coping skills of late.

Elton graciously signed autographs, then split to receive an award at Madison Square Garden. That night he performed his 53rd MSG show. I'd seen him with Billy Joel in Pontiac (free tix, I swear) and my ex-fiance almost fell out of his seat laughing when he caught my enchantment during "Can You Feel the Love Tonight." Eh, good riddance...

We took a train up to the planetarium to check out 13 billion years of cosmos. Way to feel insignificant. I liked the self-contained ecosystem on display, swimming with teensy orange shrimp; they have paperweight-size ones in the gift shop. Walked through the museum to the Humans exhibit. We don't seem so different after a couple million years' evolution. Looks like we won't have much more time for improvements.

"It's 61 today and remember 10 years ago it would've been what, 40 or less? So 10 years from now will it be 80 in late November? And 10 years from then 100 degrees? And then 120?"

Pause. "Lane, you're freakin' me out."

Might as well eat cake. We stopped into SQC on Columbus near 72nd St. to check out the dessert situation, but were told at the moment it was closed between 3:30 and 5. Still getting things together and working on a liquor license. But if there is cake in a vicinity I can be depended upon to find it. At Cafe La Fortuna, Julie liked her Veniero's strawberry shortcake. The "Fortuna Suprema" is Marsala-soaked yellow sponge, layers of thick satiny zabaglione and blanket of pignoli nuts combined to supply heady mouthfuls. Very nice, especially when the world is coming to an end.

Cafe La Fortuna, 69 W. 71st St. (Columbus Ave.), 724-5846.