How 'Bout a Parking Lot?

Now that people have had a week to consider, digest and whine about the latest super-high-ultra-secure design for the "Freedom Tower," it's time to get down to brass tacks. What's Design #4 really saying? The way we see it, the design's message is twofold.

By claiming it's the "safest tall building in the world" with its mega-reinforced concrete base, we're essentially challenging the more clever terrorists, "C'mon-we dare you-just try and knock it down!"

We're also telling everyone else who works in a skyscraper, you're not really safe. But then, they aren't really targets, either. Which brings us to our third point.

Forget about Design #4's truck-bomb defenses; we're still waiting for someone-anyone-to attempt to answer Frank Rich's common-sense question: "What sane person would want to work in a skyscraper destined to be the most tempting target for aerial assault in the Western world?"

Not us; we like our Chelsea offices just fine. But for all those poor folks who will end up working in the final version of the ill-conceived thing, we'd like to offer a few suggestions of our own, for when they get down to work (it'll be soon) on Design #5: a design that's not only safe and functional, but-all together now-symbolic and inspiring as well.

1 "The Freedom Recliner": Instead of asking for trouble by constructing another boring, vertical office tower, why not build it lengthwise? It's much harder for planes to hit a building that's already on its side, and the chances of it toppling over are nil.

2 "The Freedom Fry": You know what happens when hijacked planes slam into an iron skillet? Yep, the terrorists lose! BONK!

3 "The Freedom Cone": What do Americans love almost as much as freedom? Cool and refreshing summertime dairy treats, that's what! So what could be more American than this whimsical-yet-secure design?

4 "The Freedom Bird": This elegant design, with its solid, wide base and retractable central spire is as New York as they come. While previous designs seemed to tell the world "we surrender," this new plan looks the terrorists straight in the eye and says, "Fuck you, buddy."

5"The Inviso-Tower": While continuing to distract the public and any would-be evildoers with years of continued debate and bickering over the proper design of an aboveground tower, the real Freedom Tower should secretly be built underground. The 1776-foot-deep office complex would be the most secure bunker in the world. Harder to get at than North Korea's nuclear program!

6"The Freedom Cube": Or we could just stay the inevitable course and make it a solid concrete cube without any windows, doors or rooms and call it a day. This would also solve the problem of not having any corporate tenants. We could just rent the place out to the Corrections Corporation of America and call it the Freedom Supermax.