I Want My Cellphone TV

The antidepressants weren't kicking in like they normally do in the morning. How else to describe my sense of impending doom when I saw that Verizon, Sprint and Cingular were releasing a phone that enables users to watch tv on a one-inch screen? Just what Americans need, I thought, more sports highlights and celebrity-award-show coverage on the go. Then I relaxed, certain that something this ridiculous would never work. But my first instinct is always to doubt my first instinct. I called a friend who represents more of the American ideal than myself: he with the Post rolled under his arm and Howard Stern blaring on the car radio in the morning. Had he heard about this new tv-phone?

"That's awesome," he said. "You can stream porn at work."

They've already taken off in Europe and Japan. When it comes to cellular technology, we lag way behind the rest of the First World. The same can be said for the American music industry, which has been holding on to a past when recordings were sold on tangible formats. But they've slowly started to adapt to a culture of disposable digital merchandise.

On Nov. 6, Billboard introduced a chart of the hottest downloaded ring tones. There's no better way to gauge what the nation is listening to than by the songs that ring on their cellphones. No surprise-the top five positions were held by hip-hop artists. The success of Snoop Dog probably explains that most users of the technology are kids and young adults. I say "young adults" because a few of my friends think it's just the neatest thing in the world that their phones play a muffled version of Jay-Z's "Big Pimpin'." Compensating?

With the new tv-phones, artists will be able to stream small clips of their videos that will, so the logic goes, lead to record sales. Just like MTV in its pioneering days, this is brilliant cross-pollinated marketing. Pop music and artists will be everywhere.

These things can even create personal messages to wake your ass up in the morning. Nothing will get you out of bed faster than your phone alarm clock ringing. Just imagine 50 Cent and Lloyd Banks singing: "Get outta bed, punk. There's green to make. Dealers on the take. Hustlers on the fake. You betta get yours before scrappy-ass niggas get a piece a ya cake. G-G-G-G-G-Unit!" Word.