I'm with Stupid

I am 29 years old, a single mom, going to school and working full-time. Life is rough as it is, but a year ago I added even more stress to my life by getting involved with a very married man.

I am here, one year later, in the same spot: drained, an emotional wreck, depressed, low self-esteem, etc. I blame no one but me. It was the biggest mistake I have ever made.

I went into this thing knowing he was married, knowing he had two kids and knowing he would never leave his wife. I know you're thinking "this girl is a total idiot," but I had no expectations from him at the time. I was really down about men; my boyfriend of a year had dumped me, and I already had a failed marriage behind me. I was low.

Then along came this charming, good-looking, successful man who gave me the attention I so badly wanted and needed. His situation didn't matter; I was in it for fun. Fun turned into feelings the day he expressed to me how he felt. I found myself dwelling on every word he said. I found myself feeling guilty if I met other men, mainly because he got jealous whenever I had a date. Eventually, I stopped dating other men, even though he would say things like, "I don't want to hold you back from finding something, don't stay at home on account of me, you deserve better?" Yet when I did go out, he would get insanely jealous.

At first I thought this meant he loved me, when in reality all it meant was that he was selfish, and it drove him nuts to think he was about to lose a convenient piece of ass to another man. He told me how important honesty was to him, and yeah, I know I am ridiculous for believing him.

I have ended this relationship several times, only to wake up a few weeks later and see he has weaseled his way back into my life. When I end it he says he respects me and that he'll help me through it-

I'm cutting you off right here! I've addressed the whole married-guy issue on more than one occasion. It's common knowledge that dating someone who's wed to another is a very bad idea. What your letter-and this past weekend-made me think about was why you got involved with this manipulative prick in the first place and the heights of stupidity otherwise clever people will climb when tangled up in a mire of depression and loneliness.

My last full-time boyfriend (before the guy I'm seeing now) wasn't married; he was merely a jackass. I could list his myriad faults, but that would be cruel and, frankly, I don't have enough space. Thing is, last weekend I ran into him everywhere. Every time I turned around, there he was-skulking and staring. It was horrifying. Not because I'm angry (though it would be nice if he paid back the $100 he "borrowed"); I'm deeply embarrassed to have ever dated him in the first place.

Unlike what most people smugly believe, stupid can happen to the smartest kid in the class. Stupid lays the groundwork by making sure you feel like shit about yourself. Having a recent ugly breakup or a long dry spell under your belt will help you get to stupid a lot quicker. Once you've completely convinced yourself that nobody will ever again put their mouth on your boobies, you are a prime candidate for the Worst Relationship of Your Life.

The most inane compliment will take on epic proportions. You won't care that the guy issuing it won't give you his home phone number or let you meet any of his friends. You're so starved for affection that you'll blow off your pals because he called at the last minute and wants to meet up for a quick blowjob in the car on his way home (to his wife) from work. You'll try to spin the fact that he rarely bathes into some sort of political statement and will fool yourself into thinking that his five-seconds-in-the-sack performance will improve. (Probably the day after he leaves his wife for you. Ahem.)

So what should make you feel better about yourself actually backfires-and makes you feel even shittier. The solution to the crappy-relationship dilemma is three-fold: liquor (and lots of it), vibrators (several varieties) and one red-hot male hooker.

You'll need the liquor to work up the courage to call the rent boy, whom you'll hire because you need for the last person you had sex with not to be the fool you're getting over. Once you've gotten that business out of the way, masturbate constantly. You may not feel like it at first, but a couple orgasms really does wonders for a gal's demeanor.

Then, any time you find yourself thinking fondly of the philanderer, smack yourself in the face as hard as you can-alternate cheeks to prevent bruising. Between the constant orgasms and rejuvenating slaps, you'll soon have a healthy glow. Looking better will have you feeling better, and soon you'll be fighting off hot, single, suitable guys. Problem solved.