Koo Koo 4 U!

Q. How can I tell that my love is still interested in me when I tried to call him about five times last night, then about five times today, all with no response?

MAYBE I'M PSYCHO, I DON'T KNOW. WE HAVE BEEN SEEING EACH OTHER ONCE A WEEK NOW FOR TWO MONTHS AND WE WERE QUITE THE ITEM LAST YEAR, BUT SUFFERED FROM A BAD BREAK UP.

Didn't see or hear from him for one whole year. I was the one who initiated the next contact. Am I one of those lunatic women who need instant gratification and if I don't get it, I go berserk, lose control and expect the worst? Should I wait to hear it from the horse's mouth and at the same time without holding my breath? Or have I lost my will to wait?

-Terry

A. You question your sanity after only having called your lucky lad 10 times in a 24-hour period? That's less than once every two hours! Have you tried his work number? What about his mobile? Where could he be? Do you think he might've met someone else? I sure hope he's not cheating on you. Or maybe something horrible has happened and you should start phoning his family, friends and coworkers. How's he supposed to know you care when you're so half-assed about tracking him down?

Have you tried sitting on the stoop outside his apartment? Take a tip from the police and stake him out.* Look at Mary Kay LeTourneau-hell, she didn't even let prison walls come between her and her 12-year-old impregnator, and now they're getting married! You do want to get married, don't you?

I'll tell you what, missy-that ring isn't going to just materialize on your finger. You've got to earn that rock. You have to show him you care. Ever hear that little phrase "actions speak louder than words"? Now is the time to put those words into practice.

The all-caps segment of your letter went a long way toward convincing me that you are the type of woman who is more than capable when it comes to getting her way.

The first thing you must do is step up the phone assault. Leave no source unrung, and yes, I'm saying that calling his mother would not be inappropriate under these circumstances. This is the man you love! Surely your future husband is worth a humiliating telephone call or 10.

The next step is to hack into his email. When someone disappears for an entire day, that's serious business. Suppose he's answered one of those shady Nigerian emails and is currently handing out his bank-account information? You could be saving him thousands of dollars! And since you're already there, perhaps you should take the opportunity to write to any other women he might have listed in his address book. Write (under the guise that you're him, naturally) and tell them that you (he) no longer wants anything to do with them. Make sure to be sufficiently insulting, but not nasty enough to warrant a reply. It doesn't matter if these other dames are "just friends" (Ha! If you believe that one, I've got a nice bridge to sell ya!). For obvious reasons, they must be dispensed with.

Likewise, do your best to alienate any male friends you think might come between the two of you. Even the most enlightened hetero guy is a little squeamish about homo stuff, so you could try sending an "I'm out of the closet" announcement. It may not work on all of them, but it's definitely worth a try.

Bear in mind that despite your best efforts, boyfriend may continue to try to elude you, in which case it's time to bust out the big guns. By that, of course, I'm speaking of the pseudo pregnancy.

Now true, ethically speaking, pretending to be with child might be considered a sketchy course of action by some of the more uptight members of the reading public, but we don't care what other people think, do we? No. We want results.

Naturally, prior to telling your intended you've got a bun in the oven, you should inform his mom. (Hey, if he'd bothered to pick up his phone, you would've told him first.) Mothers of adult men are notorious for salivating at the mere mention of grandchildren, so until it comes out that you're a big fat liar, this info will instantly provide you with a very important ally in the Battle for his Heart.

And sure, some might call you loony or deranged, but not me, my new friend. In you, I see serious potential. And besides, men dig crazy broads.

*Quick tip: bring along a Thermos full of coffee and adult diapers. You don't want to waste valuable stalking time taking a dump in the local Starbucks.