Later, Dick!

Why do men have a harder time moving on after breakups? Most women seem to be ready for a new relationship faster than men are. My ex was dating after a few months; it took me 10 months to at least give it a try-and I only did that after I'd heard she'd done the same.

Other guys I know have acted in the same manner. Not to say that these men didn't have their one-night stands, but it seems that the scars left by the women who dumped them (or whom they were forced to leave, for one reason or another) were too deep for them to seek another "real" relationship.

Your thoughts?

-Ernest

When women get their hearts broken, they power-mourn. There are waterworks, sobbing late-night phone calls to friends and (other, not you) exes, personal days spent scarfing Hostess cupcakes while weeping along to old Sinead O'Connor records. Your average heartbroken lady will devote hours to dissecting her failed relationship with anyone foolish enough to cross her path, regardless of whether or not she happens to be acquainted with that person. On a bad day, the bus driver will do.

Eventually the tears turn to fury. "How dare he break up with me," she fumes to weary yet tolerant friends who then purchase her yet another drink, cheered by this new angry stage. These same good pals will nod supportively as she reels off the inevitable "nobody will ever love him like I loved him" and then pour her into a cab after she lunges for the bartender's ass. There will be an embarrassing phone call upon her arrival home. If there is a god, there will be enough liquor in her system to render any recall of the incident null and void the next morning.

Meanwhile, what's the dumped guy doing? He may well be feeling sorry for himself, but unless he's the rare straight guy with a lot of gay or female friends, he's probably not talking much. There might be the occasional "fuck her" to an audience of trusted compadres, but there is no post-relationship analysis or declarations that she never would've dumped him if she hadn't been so threatened by his superior intellect and successful career. He may be spending too much money at nudie bars, but he's certainly not bursting into tears on the subway.

And while the male course of action may sound more sane, it's also ineffective in helping one get over it. This is why so many men go around lamenting "the one" (a completely bullshit concept) who got away, long after it's seemly to do so. FYI, these types make the absolute worst boyfriends ever. The entire time you're with them, they're not-so-secretly pining for the last broad who got sick of their crap and kicked them to the curb.

Meanwhile, the girl who mourned and moved on (most likely having made an ass of herself in the process) wouldn't fuck the ex with Ashlee Simpson's acid-refluxive twat.

So you see, it isn't that men feel more deeply than women or their relationship "scars" are somehow more real, it's just that because we ladies bleed and cramp on a monthly basis, we are used to dealing with-and conquering-pain.

Let's pretend you just went on a first date, and now after the dating interview, you decide you don't want a second date. What's the best way to break this news? Do you say the chemistry isn't right, you're not up to his standards, you'll be out of town the next three weeks, etc.?

-Wondering in Dateland

You should know that I'm normally on the other side of this equation, grabbing my date by the ankles and pleading with him to please love me or at least let me buy him some small token of my affection. But in the interest of helping others, I'll put the shoe on my other foot.

I would suppose that a simple "no thanks," would be the most effective course of (in)action. The less explanation, the better, because the more words that spill out of your mouth, the more likely it is that a couple of them are going to be hurtful. Your bad date doesn't really need to know that you won't see him again because he's oddly pear-shaped or that you are firmly convinced he is, in fact, homosexual.

Of course this is do-as-I-say. The reality is, I tend toward lying. And lying badly. I usually make up an ex-boyfriend that I've suddenly fallen back in love with (which, as you'll see from the above, doesn't happen) or fabricate a new man (inevitably named Benicio or Crispin) whom I've decided can't live without my lovin'.

I've also utilized the flee option several times. You know, how when the other person closes their eyes and leans in for a kiss, only to wind up sucking air because in the 1.5 seconds they've had their eyes closed, you've managed to speed across the restaurant, retrieve your jacket from coat check and wrap a scarf all the way around your head, taking great pains to render your mouth completely inaccessible to foreign tongues.

But that's a little cruel and a lot obvious. So instead, I must heartily recommend you make like Nancy Reagan and Just Say No (thanks).