Metropolitan Television Authority

And people wonder why the MTA is such a mess these days.

While short circuits can shut down major lines for over a week and simple commonsense repairs and maintenance are left undone for years, the MTA continues to focus its energies on insane, useless and cockamamie schemes.

The most recent, revealed last Thursday, involves installing flat-screen TV's in subway cars.

A company called Rail Network Inc. is in the process of installing televisions in subway cars in Atlanta, and has apparently held several meetings with the MTA about doing it here, too. The MTA's argument is that the TV's-like selling off corporate naming rights to stations-would bring in millions in advertising revenue. No doubt they're right. The city could also bring in ad revenue by making the torch on the Statue of Liberty into a billboard. We could call her Lady Liberty Mutual.

Why does the MTA insist on pushing money-saving or money-making plans that will inevitably endanger the lives of the people who use the system, or make their lives just a little more miserable? We'd think basic track, lighting and public address system repairs would be taken care of before they started talking about broadcasting Dr. Phil reruns during rush hour. Of course, we'd be wrong.

Of all the bad ideas the authority has come up with, and there are plenty of active ones at the moment, this one is particularly outrageous. Subway trains have traditionally been quiet, peaceful places. It's where commuters can rest, think, read or stare into space. For many of us, it's the only time and place during the day we can do these things. It's a unique environment that way, especially when compared to aboveground New York.

Now think about the places where you run into unexpected and unwarranted televisions, like hospital waiting rooms, airport terminals and psych wards. Do they provide a calming presence? Are they even "distracting"? No, they're abrasive and intrusive and annoying. They're like sandpaper to the skull when you've got other things on your mind. They scramble the brain and make people more uptight and surly than usual. They exterminate the possibility of normal, civilized conversation, to say nothing of a little much-needed meditation.

If the MTA thinks having a tv screen to stare at will make riders forget that the car is filthy and smells like shit and that the rest of the system is in a state of collapse, they're dead wrong. If anything, these things will become even more pointedly obvious.

Can you imagine the kind of immediate, violent resentment and bad mojo that will arise if they put TVs in subway cars? Can you imagine the jump in the number of tv-related homicides on the subways? (Homicides, incidentally, would also double overnight if another brilliant MTA plan goes through, and cell phone antennas are installed in the tunnels.) And what happens to subway musicians? Or when the train arrives at your stop right at the good part?

We have nothing against television itself. If you like to watch tv, go buy one. But there are places it doesn't belong. Ever.