Mo Pitkins

Mo Pitkins

34 Avenue A

212-777-5660

The main bar at Mo Pitkins has caricatures of Zero Boy, Rev Jen and Jonathan Ames, among others. I know what you're thinking: Why isn't there a drawing of me on the wall?

Well, get busy being cartoony, and you too can perform at their sleek new upstairs venue. Face Boyz Open Mike ($4, eight minutes, line-up selected by lottery) is starting there on Sundays at 9 p.m., hosting a loyal crew of talented slobs. Things haven't changed much since the very first open mic I attended in Manhattan, at ABC No Rio, where I was thrilled to hear a woman blurt out: "Buy your own fucking cigarettes!" right in the middle of some sensitive soul's poetry reading.

Negin Farsad, creator and star of Bootleg Islam came with me to try Chef Chris Randall's Judeo-Latino cuisine. He probably knocked back a couple of stiff ones before coming up with butter with Spanish olives, and jelly with paprika. I think there should be olives in almost everything, so I liked the butter pretty well, and for our Seder plate combo of six items ($13), we sampled a brisket blended with horseradish (swell), deviled eggs stuffed with crabs (well?) and a mousse-like chopped liver that did not taste like my grandmother's.

"You can already go to the 2nd Avenue Deli and Russ & Daughters for traditional chopped liver!" Chef Randall protested. His is pureed with walnuts in it, which Negin liked.

"I love walnuts! Christine Aguilera eats like 12 walnuts for dinner!" she raved, delicately slurping the signature Orange Julius cocktail. "This is like something I'd have at the mall when I was 16, but it has alcohol in it, so it's like defiling my own adolescence. Very subversive," she said.

Deep-fried macaroni and cheese sounded wrong, but I ordered it anyway. It's supreme, as is the rotisserie chicken with mashed potatoes.

"I put cream cheese in them," Randall explained. "I put cream cheese in pretty much everything-have you ever scrambled eggs with cream cheese?"

"I've made cream cheese omelets!" I parried, trying to keep up, but he insisted that scrambled eggs with cream cheese was the thing.

Meanwhile, Negin was sampling the chorizo meatballs and drinking alcohol, not acting very Muslim. She is one of those attractive tan people that we'll all be, hopefully, after a few more decades of racial tension (see: Montreal). The website for Bootleg Islam crashed due to several viruses coming out of the United Arab Emirates, but a Chicago Festival promoter said she was getting the most press attention for her show because she was "The closest thing to a brown person we have."

"Yeah, I'm going to ride this Muslim train right to the top!" she told him, feeling vaguely hurt.

Chicago leaves you vaguely hurt. But in New York you're ignored, caricatured, starved, overfed or all of the above.