PETTING FOR PETA

PETA will not stop until the world understands that fried chicken does, in fact, come from chicken. The animal-rights group may be deadly serious about its mission, but it does so with a good deal of humor. The group took advantage of Valentine's Day to feature two women-one a PETA employee, the other a volunteer, both vegan-kissing and petting each other on a make-shift bed beneath a sign that read, "Vegetarians Make Better Lovers," in the middle of Times Square. The two wore twin sets of bright-red bras, panties and stockings, revealing their convictions and what looked like week-old tattoos.

Now, to the uninformed, the corollary between "animal cruelty" and "exhibitionist lesbianism" may not be so obvious. But as any insecure 16-year-old girl can tell you, mock-lesbianism is a great way to get attention. Hey, it worked for us! Since so many vegetarians are insecure 16-year-old girls, PETA was probably bound to stage such an event sooner or later. If nothing else, it gives the two vegans a free pass on any future salmon-breath they might have.

The Sapphic scene drew a predictable crowd. Men shouted suggestions, girlfriends restrained their boyfriends, and everyone put their camera-phones to their intended use. The number of onlookers swelled as FDNY, Sikhs, Rastafarians and office workers pushed in around the bed. You could hear the tourists echoing Cindy Adams' refrain, "Only in New York, kids."

Not anymore. These days, any soft-core sideshow can roll into town, and that qualifies as excitement. Some years ago, Times Square actually offered the real thing: tasteless faux-lesbian makeout sessions in spunk-spattered viewing booths. Spectacles like the pallid imitation on Tuesday could be bought for a short stack of quarters, and the backstreets were host to scenes of cruelty and neglect that would even put PETA's propaganda to shame. The truth is, PETA's sanitized, Mickey Mouse legions are the ones responsible for the fake-meat spirit of the city today. But we'll take what we can get.