Picks
NEMO
It's been a rollercoaster ride for this Brooklyn collective, and tonight is their last show of the year. Call 'em janglers, new wavers, rockers, hopeless popsters, whatever. Just don't call 'em "wimpoid" like that buffoon did in the Voice. They've gotten more glowing press from podunk indie webzines than anyone we know, yet they still spend their money on beer instead of a publicist. Check them out before that changes with Eli and the Indoor Boys and the Twelve, tonight at Lit Lounge. 93 2nd Ave. (betw. 5th & 6th Sts.), 212-777-7987; 9, $5.
It's the Semis, baby! All the quarterfinal poetry slam winners are back for more in this mad battle for amateur poetic supremacy featuring performer Ed "the voice of God" Mabrey. Look for Michigan State to come out flying against the depleted Duke squad, and while we hate to bet against Gonzaga, you have to think their Cinderella run will come to its end against the Fighting Illini. Just take a look at the sonnets they pulled out against USC-the boys from Spokane simply lack the depth of years past. Bowery Poetry Club, 308 Bowery (betw. Bleecker & Houston Sts.), 212-614-0505; 7:15, $10.
The way we see it, there're two things your kids can watch for free tonight: the yule log-either burning live right in front of them, or on tv with its hypnotic zoomings in and out-or the free screening of classic holiday cartoons at Pioneer Theater. Just make sure you're out of there before the heads start rolling. Later on is a showing of Silent Night, Deadly Night, a 1984 B-movie about a tormented teen on a murderous rampage dressed as Mr. Claus himself. If that wasn't enough, there's the midnight screening, Black Christmas, pitting an axe murderer against a sorority. But only the 'toons are free. 155 E. 3rd St. (Ave. A), 212-591-0434; 7, free.
"Listen to your friend Billy Zane. He's a cool dude." Let Derek Zoolander and friends keep you warm in this weather, so frightful, with you and the whole tribe lacking delightful fires today. Finally dethroning "drinking Christian babies' blood" as the world's favorite stereotypical Jewish Christmas Day activity, is the more cuddly "Chinese food and a movie" stereotype, and in this Gibsonian age of American religious attitudes, we'll take all the help we can get. Today, enjoy Makor's second annual celebration with its all-you-can-eat Kosher Chinese buffet, plus two movie screens showing Ben Stiller's Zoolander and The Royal Tenenbaums, along with Mel Brooks' Young Frankenstein and Blazing Saddles. Mel Brooks is Jewish? 35 W. 67th St. (betw. Columbus Ave. & Central Park W.), 212-601-1000; 7:30, $30.
MIDNIGHT WITH THE MUPPETS
Admit it, you felt the pain deep inside when Kermit told you it wasn't easy being green. You loved him when he took on Hollywood, and you'll love him again in The Muppets Take Manhattan. Warning to the faint of heart: Kermit does get hit by a car in this one, but don't be alarmed; he recovers with a new perspective on life. So inspiring. This 1984 film also features the debut of the Muppet babies-before they made it big in Saturday-morning cartoons. Even Ed Koch makes an appearance. Landmark Sunshine Cinema, 143 E. Houston St. (betw. 1st & 2nd Aves.), 212-330-8182; 12 a.m., $10.25, $6.75 s.c.
Because "Happy Kwanzaa" is more than just a season's greeting that white people say to each other in poor attempts at humor. New York State Black Films and Video Archives presents the Kwanzaa Black Film Festival, a collection of wonderful black cinema at a great price, today through Dec. 30. Screenings include Drop Squad, Black Orpheus and Porgy and Bess, all leading up to next week's grand finale, Vintage Gospel-a montage of rare historical footage of live performances. Adam Clayton Powell Jr. State Office Building, 163 W. 125th St., 2nd fl. (7th Ave.), 212-749-5298; call for times, $5, $4 st./s.c.
Finally, a walking tour that gets past the inescapably consuming Dutch heritage that New York is so constantly characterized by. Kick off those clogs and take notice of all the other cultures that have joined together in our beloved boroughs to make New York truly like?some big fucking pot for melting things. African burial grounds, Chinatown, the Lower Beast and Little Italy-all presented by walking-tour gurus, Big Onion Tours. Meet at the southeast corner of B'way and Chambers St. 212-439-1090; 1 p.m., $12, $10 st./s.c.
THEMEPARK SUPERSTAR
We already knew the family behind the Mars bar was evil to the bone. But the Hershey folks always seemed much nicer, much-pardon us-sweeter. Not so, says John Flynn, who spent a summer performing in a "rock" show at Hershey Park. In an hilarious new half-hour show, he recaps his dalliance with drugs and coming out of the closet, all of which offends the good people of Hershey. Jackie Clarke opens with a stirring retelling of her coke-filled days living in Maine. Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre, 307 W. 26th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.) 212-366-9176; 8, $5.
EXODUS AS RESISTANCE
If we had a dollar for every time a whiny shitheel threatened to move to Canada if Bush got re-elected? We'd have enough to send 'em all to Canada. Funny how not one of them broke their lease and made tracks, though. Tonight, for those with more than a passing interest in elective expatriation, Bluestockings' revolutionary potluck series continues with an open discussion of exodus and secession as resistance strategy. 172 Allen St. (betw. Stanton & Rivington Sts.), 212-777-6028; 7, Free.
The so-cool-he-might-be-considered-comatose saxophonist and Nublu Orchestra regular Jonathan Haffner leads the better part of that raucous marching band whose cadence you likely fell in behind during so many protests this past year. Tonight, Haffner welcomes fellow disturber of the peace, Kenny Wollesen, who had plenty of time to stew over the election while supporting Bill Frisell's staid 12-night Vanguard stand earlier this month. Expect the wildman percussionist with a penchant for Hawaiian shirts to break as many drumsticks as Haffner does hearts. Zebulon, 258 Wythe Ave. (betw. Metropolitan Ave. & N. 3rd St.), 718-218-6934; 10, free.
a) raisins
b) shoes
c) mutton
d) teeth
e) goat's milk
Send your answers to editor@nypress.com, or mail them to New York Press at 333, 7th Ave., 14th fl., NY, NY, 10001. Winners will receive a New York Press t-shirt and messenger bag.
Contributors: Lionel Beehner, Sean Manning, Dan Migdal and Ellen Keohane.