Preview Review

OPENS FRI., SEPT. 24

YOU MAY THINK that First Daughter is going to cash in on the whole Jennamania thing. In your dreams, dude. Ye shall have no bathroom blowjobs and projectile vomit issuing from the vocative orifice of a fetus-faced Jenna Bush-alike. Rather, ye shall have bountiful quantities of depressing Prince & Me plot-twists and all the life-discouraging lies therein.

The voice-over for First Daughter: "She has fame. She has glamour. And she lives in the most famous house in the world."

Translation: "She has everything you poor miserable women in this theater don't have and never will have. However, for a fee, the heroine of this film is offering you a chance to watch how wonderful her life is. Afterward, you can eat a box of generic Tylenol P.M.'s and chug a gallon of generic vodka, and find your own little heaven."

Then President Michael Keaton appears with a birthday cake for his spoiled daughter. And he's all, "I made it myself."

And she's all, "No way!"

And he's just all, "Okay, I ordered somebody to make it myself." Like, he totally lied, but he totally loves her!

Not only does the heroine have everything her paying viewers don't, but even a rich famous daddy who pays attention to her! Unlike the fathers that most viewers of this film were raised by-cold, awkward failures who never lived up to their mothers' expectations.

That horrifying Michael Keaton cake scene inspired about half of the male audience in the theater to grow out their beards and tie green cloths with Arabic script around their heads. Because quite frankly, nothing means anything anymore in this world if you've survived a scene like that.

The barely legal first daughter is played by Katie Holmes, the 25-year-old illegitimate daughter of the infamous John Holmes. Many of you may not know Katie Holmes, but if you saw her in The Gift, you can't forget her exposed snack trays, stills of which can be found online.

Where were we? Oh yeah, in the preview Katie keeps going, "All I want is to have a normal life like everyone else."

Then the weirdest thing happens. In a Ring-like moment, Katie Holmes crawls out of the cineplex screen, walks menacingly up to a group of five dumpy 20-something women in Old Navy sweaters, looks them up and down, and flees back into the movie screen, reuniting with her celluloid world.

Clearly shaken, Katie says into the camera, "I take that back. I don't want to have a normal life. I wanna be rich and famous and whine about not having a normal life, but I wouldn't trade mine for yours if the War Against Terror depended on it!"

To quote Dennis Hopper in Apocalypse Now, "And she meant it."

MARK AMES