School of Spork
I broke up with my long-term sweetie a few months ago, and ever since then I've been having a grand old time skanking around. Maybe I'll settle down in the future, but for the time being, I'm thoroughly enjoying the who-will-it-be-next aspect of it all.
Of course I will be quiet and discreet, but I'm concerned about those times when my paramour ventures into the house's shared spaces. I want to be a considerate and respectful housemate, and I can imagine that running into a bleary-eyed stranger on the way to the bathroom in the morning could be an unsettling experience for my future co-habitants. It's also quite likely that the bleary-eyed stranger in question could vary from month to month, or even-sacre bleu!-from week to week.
So what do I do? Should I warn them that they may occasionally find themselves face to face with one of my "special friends"? Or do I say nothing, pretend I am as pure as the driven snow, and hope that no one's the wiser?
-The Well-Mannered Tart
What kind of nutty backwards thinking are they teaching you in that cockamamie school of yours? Back when I was in college, nobody was embarrassed about slutting around. Hell, I used to let half the filthy gutter punks in DuPont Circle crash in my dorm room. (Not that I had sex with, uh, most of them.) Then there was the time my then boyfriend and I surreptitiously (or so we thought) got it on in his dorm room as my best friend snoozed away in his top bunk.
And, being a shameless young hussy, I was only slightly embarrassed when she swung her head over the edge to peer down, point and laugh once the bed had stopped bucking.
Unless you're going to some wacko religious academy, I think your fears are probably unfounded. Isn't indiscriminate sport-porking (sporking!) and the opportunity for gluttonous drug ingestion the main reason most people bother with college in the first place? I know those rated among my top five reasons for racking up insane amounts of debt in order to attain a degree that's proved almost utterly useless.
But maybe (probably), you're different. I respect the fact that you want to be a good housemate, so here are some tips I've gathered for you:
Do not give your keys to any of your tricks. I know it's tempting to let him sleep in while you attend your sure-to-be-fascinating 8 a.m. "Adventures with Nucleic Acids" colloquium, but don't. It's one thing to have some mook rip off your stereo; it's quite another to put others' stuff at risk.
Keep the porn-star banter to a minimum. Your housemates don't need to know you want "daddy" to violate your anal cavity with his "throbbing greasy man-meat." Too much info just makes for uncomfortable moments 'round the breakfast nook. Not to mention that everybody hates a show-off.
Make your date wear a robe or something (anything!) if he's going to be cruising the public areas of your house. One woman's Richard Belzer is another gal's Brad Pitt. (Urp. The thought of that Jolie-fucker's bronzed nekkid torso is bringing up a hairball.) Plus, who wants to sit on a sofa after the naked guy's been there? No thanks.
Supervise your young charge at all times. He's not allowed to eat your housemate's Captain Crunch, use up the last of her Kwell or even think about changing the channel.
I know he's probably only a one-night stand, but exercise a bit of discretion in choosing your piece. As they frequently have nowhere to go the next day, musicians make lousy overnight guests. Bartenders, while at least having the benefit of being employed, also tend to keep to a schedule that's not conducive to getting to that aforementioned 8 a.m. class. Your fellow students are young, which, in the male species especially, translates to kind of dumb and inevitably annoying.
Which leaves us with professors. Now, while screwing your teacher is so clichéed it's almost (but not quite) ridiculous, the practice has its merits. For one thing, there's your GPA to consider (yes, that's wrong, but still something to consider). For another, there's the fact that most of them (at least the tenured ones, and why bother with anything less?) have their own homes, so you don't have to worry about catching shit from your roommates.
These guys spend their days surrounded by young hotties, so they're horny as hell, yet at the same time facing an assload of trouble if they get caught diddling a student. Which means they're discrete, which in turn means you can probably bang several different ones at a time without any of them being the wiser (just make sure to split it up between departments).
There. Everything you need (except pencils and a bookbag) for making this school year the best year ever!