Sixteen Wounded; Karen Akers; A Few Stout Individuals; Vision Quest; Neighborhood Magazine Launch; "Quentin Crisp: The Naked Bon Vivant"; Porn (The Men Of); Motherfucker 2nd Anniversary Party; Michael Gira; Jonathan Ames'My Not So Secret Life Party

When it comes to the quintessential New York cabaret experience, it doesn't get much more classic or classy than a night with Karen Akers in the Oak Room at the Algonquin. The perfect chanteuse in the perfect setting for an old-fashioned, dress-up, romantic night out on the town. There probably won't be any surprises in her show, When Love Speaks to You?she'll do Brel and Piaf and Broadway, etc. But you don't go to hear Akers in the Oak Room expecting surprises, just excellence. Through Tues., May 28 (except Sun. & Mon.), weeknights at 9, Fri.-Sat. at 9 & 11:30. 59 W. 44th St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 419-9331.

A new John Guare play is always cause for rejoicing, particularly one that makes us feel overeducated. The minute we read a description of A Few Stout Individuals?"A great man is dying penniless. A publisher offers the man a fortune to write his memoirs?"?we remarked with characteristic brilliance, "Wow, that almost sounds like it could be a play about Ulysses S. Grant." Oh, all right, it was our boyfriend who said that. The point is that Guare is always at his most interesting and resonant in historical mode. Expect a certain amount of mysticism, but don't blame Guare?blame the Transcendentalists. It's Tues.-Sat. at 8, with Sat. mat. at 2 and Sun. mat. at 3, at Signature Theater Company. 555 W. 42nd St. (betw. 10th & 11th Aves.), 244-PLAY.

The 7th-Annual Vision Festival opens Thurs., May 23, and through June 8 presents an exceptional array of the finest exploratory jazz artists, sometimes with poets, dancers and other collaborators, at the Center (268 Mulberry St., betw. Houston & Prince Sts.) and at CBGB (315 Bowery at Bleecker St.). Among this week's highlights, the Center hosts the Lifetimes Vision Orchestra, Thurs. at 8; the Billy Bang Project, Fri. at 10:30; the extraordinary Matthew Shipp String Trio (Shipp on piano, William Parker on bass and Mat Maneri on violin) Sun. at 9:30; and a stellar bill of Don Cherry tributes on Mon., with Jayne Cortez's Firespitters at 8, the Dewey Redman Quartet at 9, the Don Cherry Memorial Band at 10 and the Pyramid Trio at 11. A Tues. night bill at CBGB includes the amazing Other Dimensions In Music (Parker, saxist Daniel Carter, trumpeter Roy Campbell and drummer Rashid Bakr) at 10. The following weeks' bills include performances by poet Steve Cannon and William Parker's Little Huey Creative Music Orchestra (both 5/29), Lisa Sokolov (5/31), the fabulous David S. Ware Quartet (6/2), Hattie Gossett (6/7) and many others. See Listings for details. www.visionfestival.org; 946-2110.

Neighborhood Magazine bills itself as "a revolutionary magazine celebrating human life." That's a tall order. What the magazine is, unquestioningly, is a good source of information on strange and unacknowledged communities around the world. The pre-launch party for the debut issue was a success, and now the actual launch party takes place this Thurs., May 23, 7-10 p.m., at the Viewing Room. It coincides with a retrospective of mixed-media artist Karl Mann. Free food and drinks, hiphop, live jazz. 114 W. 17th St., 3rd fl. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 646-638-1920.

Legendary author, playwright, painter and contrarian Quentin Crisp is being honored with an exhibit, "Quentin Crisp: The Naked Bon Vivant"?featuring photos, artifacts and other rarely seen memorabilia?at Caffe Rafaella in the West Village. The opening reception on Thurs., May 23, at midnight, offers fans a chance to win a prize as the best-dressed Crisp impersonator and eat a slice of "Quentin Cake" (which we predict will be bittersweet). 134 7th Ave. (betw. 10th & Charles Sts.), 254-0508, free.

The Men of Porn have changed their name to Porn (The Men Of), but don't be confused. It's still crushingly heavy music made by veterans of crushingly heavy music, including one former member of the Melvins. Porn (The Men Of) did change direction a bit with their second CD, Experiments in Feedback, opening with a Pink Floyd cover instead of a 17-minute monster like the first album's "Comin' Home (Smoking Pot on a Sunday Afternoon While UFO's Drone Overhead)." The band comes to Continental this Sat., May 25, at 11. With stoner chick band Bottom and Puny Human, MTV2 staple Iann Robinson's intermittently entertaining rock act. 25 3rd Ave. (St. Marks Pl.), 529-6924.

We've been waiting for this for, well, a year. It's the Motherfucker 2nd Anniversary Ball, Sun., May 26?and get this, for the main event this time they got Andrew "Fuckin'" W.K. singing his Anti-Nowhere Leagueish tunes at the Roxy. Doors open at 9 p.m.; it's $15 in advance, $20 at the door, and worth it just to see every hot boobie or bulge in New York. This time New York's coolest traveling party is claiming to have a dress code: "Sharp, Chic, Gorgeous and Extravagant Attire a Must!" We plan on wearing our women's stretch jeans as usual. With the cucumber down the front, of course. 515 W. 18th St. (betw. 10th & 11th Aves.), 645-5156.

After years of making monstrously beautiful, epic drone-rock with his mighty band Swans, Michael Gira (say gee-RAH) has toned down the volume on his sorta-solo Angels of Light projects, without sacrificing any of the laser-beam intensity of emotional focus or the sweeping Satanic-angelic oracularity in his dirges, odes and funereal love songs. He sometimes heaves a great, universal sigh along with the galactic-storm rages. And now he's stripped the sound down further and makes a rare unplugged solo appearance at Tonic this Sun., May 26. If he's taking requests, ask him for "Evangeline." After that one, you'll either want to get back with that certain someone you just broke up with, or go hang yourself in your closet. 107 Norfolk St. (betw. Delancey & Rivington Sts.), 358-7503.

Much of Jonathan Ames' new book, My Less Than Secret Life, first appeared in all its morose, hilarious perversion in the pages of New York Press. Some of it appeared in grossly inferior periodicals, but we won't hold that against him. The book release party is at the appropriately shabby-chic Gershwin Hotel Tues., May 28, at 8. The festivities include Jonathan doing some of his wonderful avant-standup routine, burlesque by Julie Atlas Muz, Mr. Murray Hill's shtick, a masseuse, "possibly a kissing booth" and of course Jonathan's favorite performance artist, the Mangina. 7 E. 27th St. (betw. 5th & Madison Aves.); 545-8000; $5.