Smooth Operators

I've gone on a few internet dates, and some were good, some were blah, and then there's the one when I showed up drunk (I don't want to get into that one).

The last girl, as they like to say, "did not feel a connection with me." I didn't think she was outstanding either, and in fact in the stall on our first date, I muttered, "I like Sara more than her," but she was okay. Nonetheless, I didn't feel like she cared for me much either, but alas, she did grant me another date.

The second date was more of the same: nice chatter, but nothing mind-blowing. And then I got the e-mail blow-off. I was surprised that she'd granted me a second date, and in fact wondered what I did wrong in the second one that I didn't do in the first one.

But she is the first girl I met in a long time who works in my somewhat unique line of work, so I asked if we could be friends. Should I expect any kind of response? I didn't ask that of any other girl afterward, so it's not a line or anything to try and weasel my way back in. If I have another date with no particular sparks flying, should I just move on and skip the friendship thing?

-Mike

Forget this boring friendship crap-you showed up drunk for a first date and you don't want to discuss? Not fair! I'll show you mine if you show me yours!

Me, I sort of got harangued into going out with this guy on what I knew would be a completely disastrous date. I'd met him online (of course) and he blinded me with flattery, and even though he smacked of cheese, I eventually backed down and agreed to meet him.

Lesson 1: When you have to be talked into going out with someone, you're much better off staying home catching up on old Law & Orders.

To this day-and it's been years-I still smack myself on the back of the head when I think about it. I knew he was going to be a nightmare. For one thing, his hair was way too shiny. And yes, I realize it sounds like I'm nitpicking, but to make matters worse, his shirt was even glossier than his hair, which in turn paled in comparison to the collection of white-boy bling hanging around his neck. He was the kind of guy you could tell from a glance stank of man-fume.

Lesson 2: A certain degree of style retardation is acceptable, but when you feel a little sick when you look at someone, they're probably not for you.

And when he wasn't busy blowing smoke up my ass via email, he was honking his own horn, assuring me that unless I had "something against" Jewish intellectuals, we'd get along fine. As overeducated Jewboys are only just below '64 Chevy Impalas (#1) on the list of things that get me moistened, I agreed to meet him for a drink.

Lesson 3: Suitors who manipulate you by playing the liberal-guilt card should be avoided at all costs. (Morons who fall for it deserve the excruciating date I-I mean, they-will inevitably get.)

So instead of being a big girl and bailing at the last minute, I went out with my friend Heather and proceeded to do the pre-load. The pre-load involves copious amounts of liquor consumed over a very short period of time. Normally only utilized before serious events with absurdly high uncomfortability quotients (meeting your boyfriend's ex-wife, job interviews, surgical procedures, etc.), shots of tequila should not be necessary before a date. Though nerve-wracking, the point of dating is to meet new people and have fun.

Lesson 4: A calming, pre-date glass of wine=a fine idea; six fruity cocktails=somewhat less fine an idea.

When I finally stumbled into the bar (we were meeting for more drinks!), it wasn't hard to locate my date. He was doused in Axe product and grinning like a jackal. I slid into the seat across from him and immediately ordered a drink. We made our hellos, I took a sip of my (seventh) drink and he very suavely parked his hand on my knee and asked if he'd be coming home with me that evening! I choked, spitting a little of my beverage onto my blouse, and then started to laugh. His expression didn't change. He just stared expectantly as I removed his hand from my leg.

Lesson 5: There isn't enough liquor in the world to turn a bad date good, but enough booze will help you not care that you just drooled tequila all over yourself.

I'm looking forward to hearing your drunk date story.

As for your rather dull friendship query, why not? I've made several pals out of dates gone nowhere. If you're truly sincere, make an effort and keep inviting her to non-romantic events filled with other people she might possibly want to see naked. Most times when I've heard or uttered the "let's be friends" chestnut, it's been completely insincere, but on occasion, it actually turns out far better than yet another bad date.