Some More Willing Stupidity

I don't know why I do this to myself-I can sometimes be a clever fellow when I choose to be. Studied that philosophy and gots them degrees and all that hoo-hah. Every once in a while, though, I choose stupidity. I willingly decide (though I don't often recognize it as "willing" until sometime later) to become very, almost profoundly and pathologically, idiotic.

Did it just the other night, as a matter of fact. I was beat. Hadn't slept much in a few nights, so I decided it might be wise to get home a little earlier than usual, relax, try to get some rest. Instead, what I did was this:

I made a sandwich, had a beer, took care of some unexpected work that had been tossed my way just before I left the office, then sat down in front of the television. Given that I was still reduced to a single channel (and not a particularly good one), I grabbed a movie and popped it in. I knew what I was grabbing when I grabbed it (the textured box gave it away), but I popped it in anyway-and this is where the stupidity crops up.

See, that American version of Godzilla that came out in 1998 (which I usually refer to as "that so-called Godzilla") always makes me mad. Mad is not what you want when you're already bone-tired. That just means you'll end up more tired, but unable to sleep. And mad.

That thing makes me more than mad, though-it makes me obsessive. I always (this is embarrassing)-but with films like this, I end up not only grumbling aloud at the screen, but sitting cross-legged on the floor, my face inches from the television, legal pad in my lap, listing the reasons why it makes me so mad.

It's only contemporary films that have this effect on me, which is I why I try to avoid anything made after 1986. Films made before that, well, I'll let it slide. But give me a post-'86 film, and more likely than not, there I'll be, scribbling away and muttering to myself. Recent science-fiction movies are the worst.

Point number one: Reviews of this particular so-called Godzilla film almost without fail pointed out that the picture was little more than a pastiche of other contemporary films-Aliens, Q, Independence Day and, most specifically, Jurassic Park and its sequel. But what these reviews neglect to point out, in the end, is that this was in no way a Godzilla movie. It was instead a remake of The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms-the Ray Harryhausen masterpiece of wonderment, which predated Godzilla, King of the Monsters (1956).

Well, after beginning the list with that, off I went. You'd think, if I was as smart as I sometimes seem to think I am, I'd save my notes after seeing something like this the first time, to save myself the trouble of rewriting them should, by chance, I make the mistake of seeing the film again-but no. No, that doesn't happen.

Instead, I made a new list.

This time around, things were a bit different, admittedly. Watching much of Manhattan be obliterated just for fun (both by a giant monster as well as by the military machinery brought in to destroy him, her, whatever it was) takes on a whole new feel in the aftermath of 9/11. So there goes the Met Life Bldg., the Chrysler Bldg., the Brooklyn Bridge and Madison Square Garden-yet in the movie's fictional newscasts, you hear reporters announce that "dozens have been killed."

All that carnage in the middle of the day and only dozens were killed? Well, where was everyone? Was it Labor Day weekend, or Arbor Day?

Of course, maybe the fact that only "dozens" were killed helps explain how it was that the entire island of Manhattan could be evacuated in 20 minutes!

I know. It's only a movie. I keep repeating that. And by today's standards, it's an old movie, one most everyone hated anyway. In general, and on principle, I'm not one of those freaks who watch films with a fine-toothed comb, just waiting and aching to see a car change colors between scenes, or a window half-open when it was closed a second ago, or a drink refill itself in the duration of an over-the-shoulder shot. Those people who point out such things drive me nuts.

But I will make exceptions. This is one of them.

I was almost relieved-but not quite-to start reading through "customer reviews" for this so-called Godzilla on the likes of Amazon and IMDb the following day, to discover that there were legions of people out there who apparently did the same thing I did, with the legal pad and everything.

Here's a selection from my personal favorite among these, composed by a fellow in Louisiana:

The REAL Godzilla would KICK this "Godzilla"'s computer generated pansy ass all over Tokyo!!!

Bad, Man...no other way to say it. Prime example of a BAD BAD BAD remake. Some "bad" remakes aren't so bad...Like Evil Dead 2 (wonderful film). Godzilla is an American institution that is a Japanese import. I love all, and I mean all, Godzilla movies....except this one. I even prefer the Godzilla with his kid and the ones with the robot who flies. And they suck! But this one had a PANSIFIED, STUPID, COMPUTER GENERATED, NOT EVEN GODZILLA LOOKING "GODZILLA". I was horrified.

It was a good movie until "Godzilla" came on screen. He started out doing some cool things and it was okay...but then I saw this frickin IGUANA. What the hell was that? What crackhead said "Hey, I have an idea (Puff Puff). Lets make Godzilla into an Iguana, instead of the (Puff Puff, cough) lovable, awesome STEGO-T-REX that he is. (Puff Puff) Where'd that Blue Monkey go? Get me some more crack!"

Yessir, this guy and myself, we have a lot in common. I can tell.

And that makes me so very, very sad.