Stern Warnings
Last week, Howard Stern called me an idiot. He also called me a naive child and told me to "drop dead." This, coming from the mass media's favorite Uncle Tom, an over-the-hill gloryhound who for 20 years has cloaked his quest for wealth in the drapery of First Amendment righteousness.
I went on the air to defend this paper's position that Stern hasn't stood up against the FCC as much as he could have (or as much as he'd like his listeners to believe). As we stated in last year's "50 Most Loathsome New Yorkers" issue, the seventh-ranked Stern has had ample opportunity to wrest the power to define "indecent" away from federally appointed moralists. Instead, his employers paid the FCC's fines while he hid behind the golden microphone, a publicity whore minting money for the bossmen.
Free-speech fighters present meaningful dissent and dangerous opinions; they don't fight for the right to talk about fucking Paris Hilton in the ass. Fifty years ago, it was important to push the boundaries of good taste to loosen the moral majority's cultural chokehold. But that was then. Howard Stern is wasting free-speech ammunition at a time when the right to dissent is becoming increasingly less important to the average American. By providing an easy target, by desensitizing an increasingly conservative public, he is actually harmful to the free-speech movement.
Whether the saggy-titted Stern likes it or not, all broadcast media operates in the public realm, under the aegis of the Federal Communications Commission. (It's the FCC that famously fined CBS $550,000 for allowing Janet Jackson's breast to slip onto prime-time broadcast television.) Stern, ever the wannabe counterculturist, brags that he's received more FCC fines than anyone in history. That's not quite true-the stations and companies that carry him have received the most fines in history. That distinction is crucial: When I suggested on the air that he should've fought the FCC in court, he called me naive for holding him accountable for his employers' submission.
The 50-year-old Stern is no martyr. He's a corporate cog who paints a passion play of his overlords' acquiescence. Did Stern publicly urge his bosses not to pay? Yes. Did he publicly urge them to fight in court? Absolutely. But did he walk away when they refused to take on a court battle in the name of free speech?
Threats must be dangerous to be effective, and Stern is a good 20 years past dangerous. He's just another comic on the decline, a pampered celebrity with wealth but little countercultural legacy, a tired mainstream star whose frat-boy routine is as dated as his wardrobe. These days, he's interesting only for his increasing resemblance to Joey Ramone's corpse-albeit with a liquid tan.
What's worse, Stern doesn't see-or, maybe, acknowledge-the connection between corporate pocket-monsters like Giuliani and Bloomberg (both of whom he has supported) and the current media landscape. He fails to connect the endorsement dots that float in his career like so many turds in a cesspool. Stern panders to the lowest common denominator with fake tits and conservative politics crafted to appeal to the morning-drive everyman. He campaigned for the very people who now seek media restrictions, curry White House favor and invite ad agencies to bid on our public space.
Stern claims that his resignation from radio would spell victory for free-speech opponents. Bullshit. He could've walked away from radio in favor of webcast or cablecast years ago. Neither are regulated by the FCC, and both are sophisticated enough to support the needs of his show. Millions of listeners would've followed him. But advertisers wouldn't have. Instead, Stern whined like a bitch as the fines were paid for him, as Clear Channel dropped his show from six stations, as the FCC became more emboldened. Only last October did Stern finally announce a $100-million-a-year deal with the FCC-resistant Sirius Satellite Radio.
Ultimately, at issue isn't that Howard Stern failed to walk away when his bosses caved. The jock has devalued free-speech bravery. At this point, most people probably agree with the FCC; they don't want their grade-schoolers hearing about Paris Hilton's pucker. (And yes, I agree with Stern that our children's moral failures can be traced to the parents. Video games and tv shows aren't the cause of school shootings and closet-room rapes; selfish parents and bankrupt suburban sprawl are the culprits.)
It's not just the religious right screaming from the pulpit, and it's not the p.c. left trucking wan accusations of misogyny and homophobia. Society is increasingly crass and vulgar; our children are horrible little shits with moral boundaries so stretched and manners so neglected that they border on savage. The average person would prefer a cleaner, more polite world-and out with the dirty-talk bath water goes the free-speech baby.
Which sucks, hard. I like obscenity; I have a foul mouth. My first editorial for this newspaper, two years ago, recalled a meeting between an Australian woman, her pinkie and my ass. Did Stern's profitable grandstanding help protect my right to publish an account of this finger act? Doubtful. I have others to thank for that freedom.