SUMMMER BEARD BATTLES

It would be one hell of a party if Buffalo Bill, a Civil War general and the Wolf Man attended. But until cloning provides us with such opportunities, the closest you're going to get to such an event is a beard and mustache championship like the one held last Tuesday at the Knitting Factory.

Underneath this light-hearted competition, however, lies a spirited rivalry that spans two continents and was further provoked by a last-minute entry from a well-known (at least in the beard and mustache circuit) German. Phil Olsen, Beard Team USA Captain (yes, such a position exists and he even has a business card and blog to prove it) is the man leading the Americans. "My mission is to make the U.S. a force in beard and mustache championships," Olsen said.

Packed to capacity, a sea of crowded, sweaty fans waited anxiously to see some of the best beard and mustache competitors in the world. Stale humidity, however, choked the venue before show time as the bearded and their followers wandered around the multi-level complex in slow motion dripping with perspiration. At these types of competitions, your entire appearance matters. Eventually the AC kicked in, and the contest began.

An inside source offered access to the VIP area which would offered the best view, a safe haven from the hordes of unusually rowdy hipsters. "I'm worried-they're getting feisty and might takeover. There will be violence," predicted host Christian Finnegan during an early break.

While no blood was shed, at points it felt like the initial stages of a riot. The crowd challenged the judges' decisions, booed the facial hair-challenged and generally acted as dignified as a strip club (or maybe even a freak show) patron. Worst of all, they were armed with cameras that made it feel like a four-hour strobe light event. The VIP section, while still overly packed, did offer some comfort, particularly in the form of free booze.

Like any spectacular event in front of boisterous fans, warm up acts featuring mostly New York competitors new to such contests excited the crowd. Categories included patchy, artificial (plenty of creative women in this one) and Kenny Rogers (the lone contestant ended up getting kicked off stage when he attempted to make a belligerent rant into the microphone). Dave from Brooklyn and his 10-month old, eight-inch gray beard entered the New York championships after a one-on-one beard contest with a friend.

"My friend and I were competing in a beard championship-you were allowed to trim your mustache but the first to trim their beard loses. I won." He still second-guesses his decision. "Some days I wake up and think all of this is ridiculous, but my wife likes it." Picking up a quick understanding of what the judges look for, many of the new contenders exhibited impromptu performances. "I think it's all flair," said Jeremiah Raphael, a contestant in the patchy category. "If I win a mustache competition without all the flair, then there's something wrong."

"I have the stage presence; I might have to bust a little action," said Tina Shull, a blonde sporting a bushy black mustache in the artificial category. "If I could do a couple of one-handed pushups I would!" Despite the enthusiastic newbies, most spectators came to see the professionals. The rambunctious crowd was given a second wind as one infamous rivalry came to the forefront.

Taking a last minute flight to enter the competition was the World Champion Heinz Christopher from Germany. Christopher looks like a more gentile version of Caption Hook, or maybe even Black Beard the Pirate. His thick, jet-black mustache and beard are gelled to long points that sweep down before coming back up. The hair on his chin is also styled into a downward triangle. His outfit is an elaborate red pirate suit. The U.S./German rivalry is rooted in the history of the championships. The Germans began the championships in 1990 and have dominated ever since. Olsen had a simple explanation for their success. "The Germans invented the championships, organized it, make the rules, pick the judges, and decide where it's held."

Christopher downplayed the rivalry. "It's fun. I come to meet other beard friends," he said before competing in the final round-best beard. But during this round he competed like a seasoned veteran because he had some serious competition.

Jack Passion, an intimidating 22-year-old American who sports one of the longest beards-a fiery red one that measures over a foot long-was an instant crowd favorite. He too was dressed in pirate garb. Team Beard USA believes the charismatic Passion, especially at such a young age, is the future of beard competitions.

In a narrow decision that was largely influenced by the deafening shouts from the crowd, the World Champion Christopher won. Not one to except defeat, Passion was already looking forward to future competitions. "I'm 22, where am I going to be at Heinz's age?"