The Blowjob Quiz

Reagan had been in office the last time I'd given a blowjob. Now, emerging from the 20-year hiatus known as my marriage, two things struck me: (1) it is like riding a bicycle, and (2) men will overlook the most egregious imperfections if the prospect of a bj is in the offing.

Despite the long hiatus, "smoking the baloney pony" came back to me the instant I tried it again. The amnesiac awakens. Rediscovering long-forgotten, encoded dynamism and competency at this dormant talent astounded me. My chops were back! Anything seemed possible. A 57-year-old woman giving a blowjob while riding a bicycle? Hmmm...

My once-somnambulant libido emancipated, I became positively fixated on blowjobs. They were the topic of?and dare I say perked up?any conversation. "I'm researching blowjobs," I would tell total strangers?iron workers, firemen, copywriters, CEOs, musicians, cinematographers. Blowers and blowees of all ages and sexual orientations were polled as I carried out my market research. Armed with a giddy euphoria, an odd sense of empowerment and three questions, I took to the streets.

Only two men refused to participate in the survey on the grounds that it was "too personal." Suspiciously, one man declared he did not prefer them above all worldly things, claiming that mutual satisfaction trumped the narcissistic pleasures of a bj. Most men claimed to have been blowees by the age of 15. (I hope to God my 15-year-old son doesn't read this.) Contrary to popular belief, all of my female friends give blowjobs, they just don't talk about it as much as guys do. "I like to do it as a special treat, to show I really like a guy," as one put it.

Below, some sample responses.

(1) How old were you when you gave/got your first blowjob?

"High school. A girl went down on me, I came in her mouth, she was so surprised she fell off the bed."

"An utter disaster?I still wince at the thought of it."

"My high school girlfriend's house when we were 16. Did it out of necessity because the 'grand entrance' was still closed to the public at the time."

"Who cares about their first bj, or their last one? I'm more interested in the next one."

(2) Do you consider giving/getting a blowjob to be cheating?

"Even thinking of a blowjob is cheating."

"No. Masturbation is cheating. A blowjob is winning."

"As much as I'd like to say 'no' to this, I think you have to use a very simple gauge as to what is and what is not cheating. Ask yourself a single question: Would the particular act (kissing, fellatio, rubbing nipples, etc.) result in divorce, mutilation, castration or a 50 percent reduction in your income and worldly possessions if discovered by your fiancee/girlfriend/spouse?"

"Would that it weren't."

(3) Which is more intimate, kissing or a blowjob?

"You see, kissing requires both parties to be proactive. During a blowjob, the guy can just be there but not be participating according to his infantile mind... Men can rationalize anything to satisfy their own minds that what they're doing is okay. Again, I'm speaking from experience; only difference is I can be honest with you."

"Kissing, because it's 100 percent selfless."

"Kissing. You actually have to initiate eye contact and acknowledge the other person. Once the oh-so-generous giver of an esophageal massage has passed below the equator it could be Abe Vigoda down there for all most men care."

"Kissing is more intimate. (Most prostitutes won't kiss.) With kissing you might have to look into their eyes."

"Kissing, because looking at the top of somebody's head is a bit less confrontational."

"With blowjobs and all that, men are just different. We have different needs. Men think literally, while women think laterally. We cross the road to get to the other side and we're focused. Women cross the road to experience the journey, observing the traffic and other incidents on the way to the other side. Vive la difference!"

I was surprised and charmed by all of the respondents' answers. There was a lovely naivete to them, a sweetness and innocence. On behalf of every man I have ever been or will ever be intimate with, I accept their collective words as unspoken gratitude, to fill the silence...after.