The Flaw in the Flu

At first, city officials told us, "Oh, and by the way, the flu's coming, so you'd all better get a shot."

As usual, most everyone except the hypochondriacs ignored them.

Then the Health Dept. discovered they didn't have enough vaccine to go around, and that only those who could be considered at "high risk" should get a shot. That led to widespread panic throughout the city, four-hour lines at clinics, fistfights, screaming and thousands of citizens turned away, certain they were now going to die.

Then everyone got over it and relaxed, figuring the flu will come and go as it always does at this time of year. It won't be that big a deal.

Then more flu vaccines arrived-enough to ease any concerns-but nobody seemed to care. There was even word that much of the new vaccine would have to be thrown away.

So last Wednesday, apparently confounded that people weren't panicking anymore about the arrival of the annual flu bug, the Health Dept. released a jittery memo, announcing that (God, no!) the flu had been detected in all five boroughs! Using terminology normally saved for things like the Black Plague, they warned all those high-riskers who didn't get a shot the first time around to, for godsakes, get one now. And they'd better hurry, too, because if they don't get a flu shot, not only will they die an agonizing death, they'll take the rest of us with them.

Okay, they didn't really say that last part, but it was implied.

Our theory is that the Health Dept. is feeling a little underappreciated this year. After all they've done in the past to protect us from the likes of SARS and the West Nile virus, and after all the hard work they put into gathering together enough vaccine to protect the city, nobody really seems to care. It's the holidays and everything, and none of us even bothered to send them a card.

Well goddammit, they'll make us care, one way or another.