This Week's Horoscope

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

After escaping from their enslaved home planet, Exxor, Zan and Jayna developed the unlikely Teen Trouble Alert, a sort of telepathic connection to their target demographic. It would alert them whenever some 13-to-19-year-old was in danger. They and their comical blue monkey, Gleek, would creatively help these imperiled adolescents. It's not often you get to identify with superheroes, but you should this week. Like them, you'll have a keen sense about who might need the help you can give. Don't shirk your duty. Whether you're acting alone or as part of a team, cry out: "Wonder Twin Powers, Activate!" and get to work.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Aaron Sorkin is my hero. I admire him (and his team of writers, presumably) for being able to tackle complex, relevant issues on his show, The West Wing. Granted, the program is also blessed with great acting, directing and camerawork, but it's got to feel good to be the foundation for all that excellence. He's at the top of many people's lists?a position you should get comfortable with, too. You share his talent?giving people venues in which to shine. Although it's others soaking up your spotlight, don't get discouraged. Even if it doesn't happen right away, rest assured that you won't have to wait too long to get credit where it's due.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Speak up! Howl, hoot, hiss, holler, hint; employ any mode of expression but the ones you're used to. They're obviously useless! How do you expect your life to change if you never do? The new moon's in Gemini on the 22nd. Translation: it's an incredible time to experiment with new ways to communicate. Tell people you adore or despise them, but don't say which. Practice insulting your boss in a way that makes him blush happily. Ignore someone you cherish in a way that makes him feel trusted and loved. Worship your enemies until they're so confounded they vow to leave you alone forever.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

There are many totally unsubstantiated urban fast-food myths out there: McDonald's shakes don't actually have any dairy in them. KFC doesn't use chickens anymore; now it's a genetically modified new breed called clucks. The list goes on. They're something like the ridiculous myths that plague our poor tribe. For instance: Leos always have long hair. We're egotistical messes. We're loud and bossy. Some important idiots have ideas about you that are just dead wrong. They're holding you back. Set them straight, finally. And try not to be loud or bossy about it?unless that's exactly what they most think you're not.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

I'm proud of myself. I haven't learned to control my moods or suppress my ridiculous extremes. But I've learned from them, developed techniques for managing them and moving through them. I don't think Prozac-ing an unpleasant emotion to death is always the answer. But I also can't let my emotional swings jeopardize my fragile stability. So I compensate. I find something to hang onto as the feeling bowls me over. You should, too. It's not in your best interest to ignore, deny or squish the problems that are flooding your life, Mississippi-style. Just grab something that won't wash away and wait for the overflow to drain out to sea.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Included in the latest issue of the magazine Adbusters is a packet of robust wildflower seeds. They advocate subversion through the physical transformation of the human urban landscape. Reintroducing nature to someplace we've paved over and mostly killed is not only a tiny step toward restoring some balance to our ailing planet, but it's also a way to transform our psyches. It's not a bad idea. Bring something living into your life that would be happy to be there. In other words, something that might not have a life without you, or that's inarguably better off because of you. Probably not a puppy or a kid, though I won't rule them out if you're determined. Failing all else, put some wildflowers in your windowbox and call it a day.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You know what our problem is? We're too talented. Because we're good at so many things, we don't specialize. For instance, I have no fewer than five projects going at the moment. I could give you the same advice I give myself: the shortest path to gratification, reward and results is by choosing one thing and just plugging away at it until it's done, then tackling the others. But I know you won't take it, just as I don't. Instead, you'll probably prefer settling for the same consolation I pick for myself: Someday a whole lot of people are really going to be impressed with you, but not this week. Till then, keep the ball rolling.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Living in L.A., I encounter many people who're about as deep as the lens cases they store their colored contacts in. At least, they go out of their way to present themselves that way. Transparently money-hungry and celebrity-worshipping, they flaunt their ignorance like it's charm. I confess, it disgusts me?and makes me long for more of you. I pray for these pinheads to learn from your example?that ambition, power and respect walk hand in hand with being deep, real and aware. Teach someone that lesson this week?for me, for all of us.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Acting like a millionaire works, if you want to attract gold-diggers?until they find out you're not really rich. If you're good at it, you could land a new lover dressed as your opposite gender?but chances are they won't stick around once they get their hand down your skirt. There's a basic problem with acting like something you're not?it doesn't hold up when it really counts. Unfortunately, it's extremely tempting to try it anyway sometimes. Don't cling to the illusions you've created. You'll never be able to live up to them in the long run, and when it comes down to it?do you really want to?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Sometimes, I fearfully wonder if my generation's attempts to break down traditional thinking about relationships have sealed my fate. That is, while I logically accept that straightforward, monogamous intimacy isn't a long-term likelihood for the wild boys I dig, that's not enough to overcome my cultural programming and irrational longing for it. This nightmarish conflict between what your mind knows is best and what your heart wants is so familiar to you, just talking about it makes you want to scream, tear out your hair and bash in your television. However, none of those will make it go away. Instead of torturing yourself, choose (arbitrarily, if necessary) which you're going to go with this week, heart or head, and just stick with it.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Can you imagine anything more dull than being forced to sit still for hours and listen to someone else's tedious problems? Definitely not your forte, yet it's something that may be required of you this week. My tip: make Mopey buy you drinks, at least. It's not easy for you to pretend to be sympathetic?you just don't understand whining about one's troubles instead of doing something about them. Drinking will make sympathy easier. Not everybody can be as action-oriented as you. But if you listen, cluck and nod at the right times this week, you should be seeing more action than you can handle by next week. Bottoms up!

[Caeriel@yahoo.com](mailto:Caeriel@yahoo.com)