This Week's Horoscope

| 16 Feb 2015 | 04:40

    Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) I'm breaking in a new cowboy hat. These things take time. For it to look right, it's got to be properly beat-up, dirty and bedraggled. I don't believe in speeding the process along, though, by running it over with my car or kicking it around in the dirt. That means I've got to spend a few tedious weeks or months wearing a brand-new-looking hat before it starts to really look cool. That's fine?it's sort of like the new thing (lover? boots? cast-iron skillet?) that you've brought into your own life. It won't really be worth it until it's a little broken in. But once that happens, nothing else will compare. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) The freak scene in Los Angeles is pathetic. In San Francisco, New York or even Asheville, I found a crowd of fantastically creative, glamorous freaks who appreciated my particular brand of humor, adventure and wild subversity. Those friends are just too cool for school. Unfortunately, everyone sort of just "goes to school" here in L.A. However, I have faith that wonderfully radical villains lurk hidden somewhere beneath the glossy surface of L.A.'s social scene. They're just a little deeper underground. It's sort of like your situation; you're trapped on the superficial exterior of something (be it your workplace, your marriage or a friendship) like a bug stuck on the skin of the water. It's time for you and me to take deep breaths, fold in all our gangly limbs and dive deep into the dark unknown. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) It's always nice when I get sweet letters from readers telling me that my column resonated with them that week, or that I made a difference (however slight) in their lives. It's validating when you're doing something you love and people appreciate it?I can't think of anything more affirming. On that note, take a minute to express your love or admiration to someone who deserves it. Let them know what they mean to you. And let them inspire you to start boldly doing whatever you love (if you're not already) and putting it out there for all of us to delight in. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) When I was a kid, I always longed for a big brother who'd show me around, get me in trouble and just generally get looked up to. As my most longstanding fantasy (sexual or otherwise) this one has a special place in my heart, and so does anyone who fulfills any part of it. It's good to tell people about your fantasies, even if they're slightly controversial or embarrassing. They might get satisfied, in full or in part. Or not. At the very least, the people around you will understand you (and therefore potentially love you) a little better than before. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) On the one hand, I have a sarcastically skeptical side who loves to rip apart anything that smacks of the new age, who triumphantly proclaims that astrology, the I Ching and feng shui are all bullshit. On the other hand, I'm thankful to have a quieter, more open-minded side who'll patiently listen to any theory of the universe, or formula for a love-inducing magic spell, consider the results, and draw conclusions from there. Walking the line between these two characters can at times seem contradictory, especially since I write a goddamn astrology column. But walk it I must, just as you've got to navigate the tightrope between your own conflicting desires. Trust me: keep tiptoeing this wobbly highwire. At the other side, there's a way to resolve these incongruities: You can have your cake, and devour it, too. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) On that relentlessly evil show, Big Brother, they've set up 10 people in a tiny apartment. They're not allowed to have any contact with the outside world, and their only entertainment is each other. They're constantly surveilled by a huge audience. I can't imagine a much more stressful scenario. Their chief motivation (besides, possibly, the resulting peripheral fame) is the 500 grand waiting for only one of the unlucky roommates. I didn't tell you about this to plug the insanity of the show; I mention it because your own unlikely greed (unlikely in that it probably won't be satisfied) is leading you down a path you wouldn't otherwise take, and that might not be good for you. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) You're about as sweet and sticky as a peanut-butter and honey sandwich. You've got the magical power to shut people up when you want them to, and nourish them at the same time. So don't get too down on your sweetness or the nutty messes you get yourself into. It's a good thing. Revel in your gooey deliciousness. The next time someone's annoying you, impress everyone else in the room by sticking their mouth shut and granting the world a moment's peace. You know what? The person you silenced (by cramming them full of your nutritious self) will thank you, as well?as soon as they manage to wash down your adhesive advice. Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Everywhere I go, I tell everyone I talk to that I need a job. I'm flexible about what I get?I've got other income (like this column) after all. But it's the way things seem to work here in L.A.: people plug themselves at every opportunity. It's a bad habit that would be annoying anywhere else, but, when in Rome, as they say? So I go around constantly advertising myself, like a walking self-promotional billboard. I'm wary, though, of forgetting something: The ends may justify the means (I'll let you make that call on your own) but the means don't always justify themselves. Sooner or later, we become what we do. Is what you're up to really what you want to be? Aries (March 21-April 19) Okay, nobody panic. No one is going to get hurt. You there. Listen carefully: Put the voodoo doll down. Slowly. Now back away. That's good. Who was it? One of your parents? Your lover? Your boss? It wouldn't have done you much good, I'm afraid. You must know the law of returns: if you curse someone, however powerfully or mildly, it comes back to you three times. So, here. Take the doll back. Now do something nice to it, something wonderful that you would wish on someone you love?like yourself. Give it a pleasantly warm bubble bath, a wad of cash or a fancy, delicious seven-course meal. Then get rid of it, and be glad that the people who have power over you are not only more wise than you've been lately; they're kinder and more forgiving, too. Taurus (April 20-May 20) Strut your stuff, sexy. Sashay down the street wearing that fabulous feather boa or those glittery spandex short shorts. You're so charming this week, it's practically supernatural. When you smile, your teeth glint with that radiant tv sparkle. You're fresh out of a Mentos commercial, so look forward to getting away with your fantastically outrageous, improbable antics this week. While you're at it, though, think about what you could accomplish with your shenanigans?besides simply having fun. Gemini (May 21-June 20) Don't you wish you could have a remote control for life? Something like the VCR control, with PAUSE, REWIND and FAST FORWARD features. Unfortunately, these just don't exist. But you are gifted with one special button, one that can rewrite any scenario, from the most tired sitcom to any dire black-and-white tragedy. So don't keep watching the same old story-lines play themselves out, over and over. Hit that mental RECORD button and reprogram your life's television with some daring, original, revolutionary new shows.