This Week's Horoscope

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You're not an elitist; you're just discriminating. You're hardly judgmental; you have standards. Believe me, I'm not here to pooh-pooh your chichi attitude (I'm probably a bigger snob than you, anyway). And I'm not going to counsel you to hang out with the lowbrow idiots you usually avoid "because you might learn something from them." Even though that might be true, I'd rather you do exactly as you please?as long as you cop to it. Go ahead and be a snooty smartass if it makes you happy?just be sure it actually does make you happy before you pass up on the Neanderthals who just might know something you don't.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Rice is more complicated than you are. That's right?it turns out that the rice plant has more genes (estimated at about 50,000) than humans do (30,000-40,000). Your reaction is probably a lot like mine: "Eh, so what?" That's exactly my point. The arbitrary standards you're applying to certain other situations (measuring someone's worth by how much of something they might have) are just as ridiculous as attaching some value to the number of genes you possess. Isn't what you (and others) do way more important than what you are, or have? Please don't make me remind you again.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Duck! Take cover! Hide! Only, don't. What looks like a menacing gang of ass-kicking thugs hurling rocks is actually a bevy of tough, beautiful women tossing candy. The universe isn't out to get you?it's just giving you most of the things you want?all at once. Those delicious projectiles do have the power to knock you down for the count?or they could make you fabulously wealthy. It depends on whether you're going to run for it (and get nailed) or hold your ground and catch as many of the hard-hitting goodies coming your way as you can.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

In March, a female lion adopted her third antelope calf. She was first noticed mothering a baby antelope in December, until that one was eaten by another lion. Her second little oryx was taken by game wardens. Number three lived under the lion's care, with his mama sneaking in to suckle him when the female lion was away, until she managed to steal him back earlier this month. Is Mama Lion really confused? Or is she especially pragmatic, waiting until her young charge is fat and succulent enough to eat? I prefer to imagine she's just tuned in to your sexy new attitude: learning to nurture and love what you usually hunt down and kill?within yourself and without.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

I can't remember meeting a fat Virgo. Although I'm sure there must be a few overweight members of your tribe out there, most of you are notoriously lean. You possess too much nervous energy to sit around getting plump, generally. I'm afraid that you're missing out on some of the chief pleasures of life, though. Not that you ought to concentrate on increasing your girth, but with your ruling planet Mercury in luxury-loving Taurus, you're karmically mandated to pig out. Just in case you're unclear, peanut butter on a bagel eaten in the car on the way to work is not pigging out. Ideally, you should sit down to several many-coursed, lavish extravaganzas of gluttony. At the very least, find your way to an all-you-can-eat buffet and fulfill your astrological destiny.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You don't usually like disturbing the sanctity of an untouchable crush. You prefer those unattainable lovelies to stay in that beautifully pure, unrequited state, so you can project all your lofty ideals onto the unknowable cute stranger. But let's just suppose for a second that you might someday risk rocking your fantasy boat by actually making a move on your dreamy object of desire. If that's the case, this is your week. I'm not saying she'll go for it?so think hard before you catapult your crush off her pedestal and into your life?but your chances are better this week than they will be for months?maybe years?to come.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Ditch the fucking skull-and-crossbones label. You've been letting all this dark-Scorpio-demigod hype go to your head. Just because people make the sign of the cross when they find out you're a Scorp doesn't mean you're all that (it just means they're idiots). I wouldn't object to the roguish 'tude if it weren't for the seriously good shit circling overhead, looking for a soft place to land. I can't tell you what it is (only that it's amazing, along the lines of your own tv show or fabulous inheritance), but you're never going to find out unless you let your gooey, tender side outshine the stupendous badass side for a while.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

It's not too late to catch spring fever (especially for you Sags, who are usually quite susceptible). You may think last year's events somehow inoculated you against the pleasurable lack of judgment that often accompanies this "ailment," but it didn't do more than up your resistance. Why would you want to keep from contracting this bit of intoxicating madness? Since you'll need a little of that wild and crazy energy to get off the sidelines finally, and into the game, you'd better figure out how to come down with a serious case, and fast, or resign yourself to being an alternate the whole season.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Most people would be astonished at the secret pockets of corny sentimentality that lurk beneath your hard, outer pragmatism; soggy little valleys of perplexing emotion sunk between treeless peaks of magnificent ambition and achievement. Yet, would you be surprised to learn that those who are most drawn to you suspect?and hope for?these sweet bogs of feeling? They dream of being the fearless discoverers who'll map these uncharted territories. Before the latest slightly-less-than-intrepid explorer turns back at the sight of the seemingly insurmountable mountains of your outer edges, send her a hint (of the dove-with-olive-branch variety) of the wetland paradise hidden within.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

We all need filters; they help us cope with our world, which is often overstimulating. Unfortunately, when they get too intense, it's like wearing dark sunglasses at night. For months at a time, no one penetrates the self-induced haze except the tiny minority you find cute or compelling at a glance. That's why it's important to periodically shed those protective layers, like a crab molting an outgrown shell. If you choose this week to disencumber yourself of those handicapping barriers, you may be surprised with how effusively the world responds to you noticing it, sending blessing after disguised blessing your way?something it's likely to keep doing as long as you stay alert and awake enough to catch them.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

I don't take Piscean threats lightly. They're so rare. So when one angry Fish informed me that if I told you to let go of "one more damn thing" I'd see a genuine Piscean rage-fueled tantrum, I knew he meant business. I admit I've asked you to give up a lot lately. Be grateful?the fresh developments you've been reveling in (whenever you're not griping) wouldn't have had room to come into your life if you hadn't gotten rid of some outdated ideas, at my behest. Still, I'll hold true to my duress-induced promise, and not even demand that you release that unwarranted resentment. Instead, my advice has to do with the new blessings you're rolling around in: just make sure you're not so busy being pissy that you don't enjoy them, because they'll stay around for as long as you appreciate them?and not a second longer.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

In so many beautiful ways, you're virtually unchanged from the daring, innocent and fearless little boy or girl you once were. Of course, like everyone else on the planet, you've been altered by the wounds you've suffered, hindered by the scars that resulted and handicapped by fears you've learned to have. When the very foundation of your happiness is besieged by cement-cracking stresses of the fucked-up grownup world, please don't forget your one superpower that can turn aside any flood, the supremely childlike skill you've managed to preserve most fruitfully: the ability to play.