This Week's Horoscope

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Is this life or a sitcom? All I know is I saw you doing something ridiculous, like sneaking in through your boyfriend's doggy door to rip up a regretted break-up note before he read it, or faking a broken leg, cast and all, just so you could cut in line at the amusement park. Whatever great and preposterous lengths you're willing to go to to avert disaster or get ahead, you should be thankful for one thing: sometimes?albeit very rarely?life does resemble a sitcom. That is, your ludicrous deceptions have prospects of actually succeeding, provided you're foresighted enough to bring treats for the dog who regularly uses that door, and remember to use your crutches whenever you're supposed to.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Although some of your history makes you wish you had someone to point an accusatory finger at ("It was my long-lost identical twin in those pornos!") there's really no need. In fact, I'd worry if you did have a scapegoat, since then you might be tempted to ignore the lessons those chapters taught you. If you had some convenient way to shift blame and responsibility for your past, there'd be no incentive to improve your future decisions. Since the choices you make in the next two months will powerfully influence your next two years, I hope (and have faith) that your forced education (for lack of a mischievous doppelganger) will serve you well.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Just because so-and-so slept with your boyfriend (or girlfriend), try not to get too jealous. They were both drunk out of their minds and the sex wasn't all that good. Sure, it's fine to get upset when a principle's been violated, but having hard-and-fast rules isn't always the best way to navigate something as messy as life. There are degrees to how fucked up something is. For example, certainly it would be worse in some ways if they'd done it sober, or repeatedly or fallen in love. Yes, you were wronged. A line was crossed?but only just a little. However big a deal you decide to make of it, be sure to leave yourself someplace to go if and when they do something that's really worth your outrage.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

It's nearly impossible to write something amazing in one draft or paint a masterpiece in one go at the canvas. Most of the time, you scrawl down what you can, then return later, fresh, to slap on a new layer. This is how a couple broad strokes become The Last Supper or War and Peace. What you have now is just a good, solid idea?only months of patient labor and cultivation will transform it from conceptual to material. Do you have the stamina and desire to help your concept flourish into the tour de force it could be? If not, don't waste any more time on it?give the idea to someone who does, and will.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You just discovered that the beautiful house you sunk your life savings into is haunted. You were willing to overlook its physical shortcomings?the draft in the master bedroom, the water damage in the servants' quarters and the ghastly electric stove. Those things are fixable. But the ghosts and closet skeletons scare the hell out of you. What to do? You may not have the right (they were there first) or means to evict them. Can you live with them? It could be fun; and it would certainly be easier than separating yourself or your investment from its unforeseen baggage.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

People like predictions. Whenever I make forecasts about concrete events ("You'll have sex with a coworker in the copy room," "You may lose a shoe at the beach," etc?), I get amazed e-mails telling me when I got it right and reports from smug, horoscope-reading skeptics when I didn't. I rarely bother because it's kind of ridiculous to suppose that any single remarkable event will happen to all (or even most) members of a specific sign. Still, I go out on that limb occasionally to give both naysayers and believers some satisfaction. Now it's your turn to do a good deed that will (except for through an impractically circuitous law of returns) benefit only others. Follow my example: take one for the team.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Merely living causes a buildup of internal toxins (physical and spiritual). Just breathing the air can pollute you; let's not go into junk food or drugs. Give your body, and your soul, a rest. A chance to filter life's heavy shit from your existence is worth more than the money downtime will cost you. (Besides it'll add years to your life in which to compensate.) What can you do to rectify the unhealthy concentration of contaminants defiling your innards, both etheric and material? This week, figure out a way.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You might want to consider staying at home to lick your wounds for a bit, before you go out and incur more. It's not that they're serious injuries, but your inattention is causing them to fester. Even small scratches can turn serious without some degree of care, and recent months?while sparing you some big blows?have dealt you more than your share of minor hurts. Get Mommy to kiss your boo-boos, slather them with ointment and band-aid layers, or whatever it takes; just don't leave the house until you're 100-percent whole and ready to face the scratchy, itchy, sharp-edged wilds again.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

This week's lesson: give cows love. Jains use mouth covers and soft brooms to protect small creatures from inhalation or tromping. Vegans (living in denial about all the fine, wild creatures killed to prevent damage to their beloved organic vegetables) abstain from animal products. Don't let your admirable desire to avoid incurring more karmic debt impel you to extremes like these. They contradict a basic tenet of survival: life is predicated on life. Many beautiful beings die to feed and clothe us. Sacrifices are made constantly on many levels to augment or support your existence. Don't ignore them, out of guilt or ignorance. Acknowledge and honor them. Some big-eyed bovine spent its whole life growing to feed itself to you. Go ahead and enjoy the hamburger; while you're at it, love the cow.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

When sailing, you often have to head away from your destination in order to obtain maximum benefit from the wind. This approach should seem familiar; it's necessary to attain your goals right now. The karmic breeze simply isn't blowing in the right direction to carry you straight to your target; instead you've got to tack to take full advantage of the wind and momentum you've already got. It requires a longer view than you Rams are used to?you're infamous for your straight-on approach to life?but I know you're versatile enough to handle it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Let's talk about healing the disconnect between your life and the natural world. It's so easy to become swept up in the complex rhythms of urban existence, and forget the joys of playing in mud, watching green things grow and walking around barefoot in the grass. It's important for a supposedly "earthy" creature like you to stay in touch with the ground beneath all that asphalt and artificiality. This week, figure out ways to incorporate something natural into your life. Plant and nurture something. Making friends with something sun-loving and green is more than that?it's renewing your friendship with yourself.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Last month, an asteroid the size of a soccer field just missed Earth. It whizzed by at a distance closer than the moon is to us. We didn't even notice it until three days later, as it sped away at 23,000 mph. (An asteroid about its size hit Tunguska, Siberia, in 1908, flattening 800 square miles of forest.) I thought I'd mention it because your close call is somewhat similar?you didn't know you were in danger until the threat had passed. You dodged a bullet this time, but that doesn't mean you'll be so lucky again. Adjust your psychic sensors to accommodate the danger you've just become aware of, so that the next time it looms, you'll have a chance to react.