This Week's Horoscope

| 16 Feb 2015 | 04:52

    Aries (March 21-April 19) Back in elementary school, my friends and I created our own make-believe world to play in. To us, this red maple was The Flying Tree, this The Time Travel Swing and over there lay the Poison Berry Bush in The Forbidden Land (the neighbor's yard). The other kids we encountered we ignored or inducted into our game, whether they liked it or not. They didn't have to agree to be the villains it was our duty to hunt down and punish. This week, you decide: will you help create the games you play, or be forcibly dragged into someone else's games, whether you know (or agree to) the rules or not? Taurus (April 20-May 20) This is one of those catch-22 kind of weeks. A concrete example of the type of dilemma you may face: You're attracted to someone who's not your lover. Unfortunately for you, she's drawn to traits like steadfastness and loyalty. Pursue her and she'll reject you for your perceived inconstancy. Resist the temptation, and she may admire you and desire you?until you make a move for her. The direct path between you and your desires is mired in a sticky marsh of paradoxes and inconsistencies. However, there's always the scenic route?perhaps your lover could approach your crush and make an overture in your name, saying, "He'd ask you himself, only he's afraid of hurting me..." Taking the long way can be satisfying?especially when it gets results. Gemini (May 21-June 20) You're a clueless infant in a runaway baby carriage. Released at the top of a steep hill, you fearlessly accelerate under the impartial pull of gravity. All you can see is the sky overhead, interrupted at moments by wires, stoplights and skyscrapers. The stroller's rickety wheels master curbs and jump gutters with the ease of a veteran skateboarder, but you're as ignorant of these astonishing feats as of the near misses?cabs and buses screeching to a halt to avoid hitting you, or the hysterical woman sprinting after you, arms outstretched. You're as charmed as a Disney cartoon?so why freak out? Stay chill and enjoy the ride. Cancer (June 21-July 22) Virtually every nature documentary on television is, bottom line, a plea for help?or at least awareness?concerning yet another ecological disaster. Nature is way the fuck out of balance. How could it be made more obvious? It seems as long as there's a profit to be made, corporate machines will continue to plunder our country's natural resources and rapaciously exploit desperate Third World countries. Protesters and activists burn out because even their best efforts to halt the smallest of crimes fail more often than not. Ecological terrorism starts to make sense when it seems there's no other way to make your voice effectively heard. At the moment, you don't need to resort to such drastic measures to communicate. But the powers that be (in your life and in the world) tend to view silence as complicity. Use your voice now, so you won't lose it later. Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) The waiter set down a tall glass of milk. My mother felt it and said: "It's very cold; drink it slow." But I was an obstinate eight-year-old, and gulped it as quickly as I could. My rebellion, thirst or curiosity had consequences: I promptly puked, all over the table. My uncle took me outside to recover. He sat me on the hood of his car, told me to breathe deeply while I felt the warm air still blowing from the vents. I got my first lesson in grounding by doing things my own way (often known as "the hard way"). Who knows what you might learn if you refuse to blithely take anyone else's advice this week? Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Whew, are you about due for a break. A broken leg would be about right, though it's more likely something else will lay you out for a while, in the best way. Though it may irk you on the surface to take it easy, I believe that underneath you'll be pleased to get all this attention and service. Don't resist it, at least. Eat the damn peeled grapes. And consider: You love to feel needed, right? Sometimes what we need most from you is the chance to do nice things for you. Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22) Have you ever had a lucid dream? That's when you realize you're dreaming without waking up. If you're wise, you might take the chance to semiconsciously explore your subconscious mind. Or, if you're more like me, you could grant yourself superpowers or finally get to fuck that unattainable crush. This week'll be a lot like a lucid dream?you might get a chance to explore usually unexplorable territory, or shine like a caped crusader or screw the supposedly unscrewable. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) The Scorpios in my life amaze me. During my lowest moments, I reflect on some Scorpionic kindness I've received: "Oh, he's just feeling guilty about shitty stuff he's done." And I must grudgingly admit that attempting to make restitution is admirable. In my more trusting moments, I consider these compassionate gestures and think: "He doesn't want anything from me (he already dumped me, after all) so it must be just because he loves me"; and I'm awed. Whatever your motivation for the sweet and generous things you do, it's working?before long, you'll have completely displaced and overturned the evil reputation you helped your sign earn in the past. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Whoops. I intended to gently brush a bug off the page I was reading, but I smeared it instead. Some creatures are so fragile it's virtually impossible to interact with them at all. The most harmless intentions can be devastating to a gnat. Some of the people you have to deal with (especially this week) have egos about this delicate; you may have to turn your volume down to "mute" if you don't want to "hurt" them. Or you could just say fuck it and crush the poor dear on the tip of your finger. Maybe they'll realize that wielding weakness as a weapon doesn't work. And even if they don't, at least you won't have to deal with them anymore. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) I disemboweled a pigeon and tried to interpret its entrails on the window ledge. I attempted to read the tea leaves in the bottom of my morning cup but Lipton didn't have much to say. I consulted the Magic 8-Ball but it kept telling me to ASK AGAIN LATER. I tossed coins and dice, and teased the animatronic fortune-teller machine until the mounting evidence was conclusive: You make your own luck this week, simply (but powerfully) with the strength of your expectations. If you anxiously await your doom, it's bound to happen. On the other hand, if you happily anticipate your joyful good fortune, it's very nearly a sure thing. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) According to the Jainist faith, every living being could become enlightened in this lifetime. Practitioners go to extraordinary lengths to avoid killing anything: masks worn over their mouths prevent inhalation of insects and a soft broom gently moves creatures out of their way so they won't be stepped on. Maybe they're right. But my philosophic agreement can't compare with the pleasure of painting the wall with blood-fattened mosquitoes. Don't resist contradiction, especially not your own. Believe what you want, and do what you want, and screw it if they don't line up.