Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Not everyone can muster up the intensity your sign is infamous for. Sure, it can intimidate some people, or freak them out or simply repulse them?but it must be respected for what it is. It's sad whenever I see a potentially lethal Scorpion trying to be cute and harmless. It's like a vicious, stinging insect trying to masquerade as a fluffy bunny rabbit. It just doesn't work. Hello, we can see all your sharp, venomous points sticking out. Erase "bouncy, fuzzy and adorable" from your list of self-descriptions this week. And if you must have those adjectives in your life somehow, there are plenty of perky, sweet and infernally cute people who love cuddling with snakes?the more poisonous or powerful, the better.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Wearing your celebrity roommate's clothes won't make you famous. Eating sugary foods won't make you sweeter. Drinking brain juice won't make you smarter. Not that you ever really thought these things?I just use them as examples, to demonstrate how silly the illusion you are carrying around is. Want to pin down the reasons behind your current circumstance? Cause and effect in this instance aren't as straightforward and childishly simple as the examples I started this horoscope with. They're more subtle and nonsensical, like: Eating asparagus will make your pee smell. Go figure.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) I had a science teacher in high school who hung a poster on the wall comparing dick sizes of various mammals. Because human phalli were the smallest on the chart, it was a humbling display of how falsely inflated our egos were. Similarly, don't overestimate certain aspects of yourself, like your ruthlessness. There're plenty of bigger fish in that sea. Just like cock size, it's all relative. Stick to fish your own size. Nine inches might feel like a lot to you, but it just ain't going to cut it for that blue whale over there. She probably wouldn't even feel it.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) This week's theme: unexpected reprieves. Feelings you may experience include: Relief: The school bully was going to wait for you in the playground after school, to beat the shit out of you in front of everyone, but he found something better to do. Astonished bliss: a surprise snow day in April. Satisfied laziness: The in-laws cut their visit short; you already took off from work, so there's nothing left for you to do but soak in a tub full of sudsy piles of bubbles. Whoops?don't expect anything like this, though. That cuts out half the fun. Take care of business as usual?the more completely you do your duty, the more likely you are to get out of it.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) When I go to museums, I sneak around, fondling the paintings. I want to feel those ridged, bumpy, gloppy piles of paint for myself. I'm quick and sly: I manufacture distractions for the attendants?anything to bring myself just a touch closer to Van Gogh, for instance. Maybe, I imagine, if I caress his chunky, solid architecture of pure color, I can begin to understand loving someone so intensely I'd give them my severed ear. That's why I think you're lucky this week, Pisces. They've issued you a special invitation to the museum. Not only will the guards on duty look the other way, they'd be flat-out disappointed if you didn't take this opportunity to strip naked, and stroke, fondle and lick the artwork to your heart's content.
Aries (March 21-April 19) My room's an absolute sty. I tell myself it's because I'm still in the process of moving in, but, really, that's just a convenient excuse to leave huge mounds of uncategorized (clean or dirty) clothing strewn about the room like wind-scattered autumn leaves. The upside of living like an absolute slob is that I'm constantly finding little treasures, hidden in the untidiness, like clean underwear, or money. You can use this method to feel a little better about the mess you've made of things lately. It's not anything a few hours of good cleaning won't sort out, and in the meantime?there're riches and surprises to be found.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) It's one of those days. Your ass looks huge in those pants. Your nose is too squashed-looking and your hair is too frizzy. This whole week things might feel just a gnat's eyelash short of satisfactory. But since there's nothing you can do about your fat rump or your big nose: own it. Get out there and wag it around. You know what? You'll probably find you have more admirers than detractors. And somewhere along the way, you'll remember that you really are as gorgeous as you feel, even if you weren't all that pretty to start with.
Gemini(May 21-June 20) You'll probably get caught doing something embarrassing in a public restroom this week. I'm not talking about a George Michael here; it's just that your luck is running low?someone's bound to spot you making ridiculous faces in the mirror, or testing the acoustics of the tile with magnificent, reverberating belches. Your antics are simply bound to take center stage this week?even the ones you weren't necessarily ready to unveil. When your dress rehearsal turns into the real thing, go with it?as always, the show must go on.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Some Cancers have been known to forget to brush their teeth for days on end. Others spaced getting dressed until their sniggering fellow employees ridiculed their pajamas. Your tendency to forget the basics when confronted with the complicated issues at hand could prove embarrassing and unhygienic this week. That only happens when you try to rush things, though. I know you've got a full plate. Just remember to take deep breaths, chew each bite before you swallow and, most importantly, relax. And remember: like every great meal, there's a tantalizing dessert at the end of this one. Your only job is to make sure you don't choke before you get to it.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Now that you've astounded everyone with that daring plunge through rings of fire, it would seem that the only way out of the shockingly deep pool at the bottom is by hoisting yourself up on those very same flaming hoops. Better put on your helmet and asbestos gloves, right? Not necessarily. There's an easier and even more dramatic way out. You've turned into quite a good swimmer, over the past few shipwrecked and stormy months. Swim to the bottom and pull the plug. I personally guarantee the water will have completely drained before you drown?but not before you've thoroughly thrilled your adoring audience. And so the legend continues.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) The biggest impediment to your creative process is this misconception you have about yourself that you're simply not a creative person. Okay, maybe you're not inventing extravagant stage personas for yourself like those glamorous Leos, or concocting nympho love potions like those crafty Capricorns. But you'd be surprised at how creative you really are. In fact, if you subtracted from this week all the nifty shortcuts, systems and plans you've created to facilitate your life, I doubt you'd get anything done at all. If singlehandedly inventing your own versions of efficiency, progress and effectiveness isn't being creative, I don't know what is. Now that we've got that out of the way, you can really get to work?and I, for one, can't wait to see what you come up with next.
[Caeriel@yahoo.com](mailto:caeriel@yahoo.com)