This Week's Horoscope

Tough love is sometimes the answer. I dreamt you were a therapist who advocated spanking her clients. You'd choose butt-slapping implements based on their specific problems, from pineapples to teddy bears (hey, it made sense in the dream). Your ability to accurately choose a curative tool was astonishing, guaranteeing a nearly 100 percent success rate. Since your usual rehabilitation techniques won't pack their usual clout this week, you might want to consider some alternative remedies. Sometimes people need compassion, coddling and real practical help. But sometimes they just need to be bent over your knee, slapped around a little and told to get over it.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Stop apologizing for yourself. It's one thing to say you're sorry for some legitimately shitty thing you may have done. But don't act contrite about who you are. Many Libras occasionally feel compelled to deliver what's expected of them; this is how you end up saying you're sorry for something ridiculous, like being too short to reach something on the top shelf. You've been so good lately at embracing people for exactly what and who they are, sans judgment. That tolerance ought to extend exactly to the edge of their intolerance. Don't deliver ludicrous contrition, and tell anyone who expects anything resembling it to fuck off.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Whoops, you've drifted farther downstream than you intended. Imagine your relationship as a river. Right now, you're not so much worried about waterfalls and rapids that might lurk ahead as you're regretting not stopping off at the appealing villages and sights that lie just offshore upriver. It's a little late now; once you've come this far, getting back to that peaceful, noncommittal place near the tributary's beginning would involve so much rowing and portaging that it might as well be impossible. Basically, falling asleep in the boat while the current carried you where it would has left you with two choices: either abandon ship entirely, or concentrate on moving forward alertly and, from now on, not missing a single thing.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Furries are people who get off on sex with anthropomorphized animals, usually cartoon characters. I'd never heard of this fetish until their recent exposure in sex columns. Hey, you've got to appreciate someone who gets off on the idea of Barney singing, "I luv you, you luv me, fill my purple cavity?" for its comedic potential alone, but also because it makes your own quirky turn-on (mine is sideburns) seem absolutely reasonable by comparison. Can you see where I'm going with this? Instead of toning down your act, find someone who's much more extreme, and go stand next to them.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Caution and fear are quite different. The former is thoughtfulness that enables you to avoid or reduce very real risks associated with a course of action. Fear is less rational than that, often related to dangers that are completely imaginary. Making the distinction between the two is your most important task this week. While it's wise to be careful about the choices you make, decisions based on irrational apprehension could handicap you for months to come. None of us wants to see that; you're much more fun when you're working near the top of your full potential, not lurking in the safe zone a couple miles below that.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You're a notoriously high-minded sort, most of the time. But one of the things I like best about you is your ability to appreciate a good fart joke or pull off an amazing prank phone call. You're a genius for the people. This week, combine your lowbrow sense of humor with your intellect, for the entertainment of the masses (or at least your circle of friends). We need to laugh, and you're the best comic for the job of making us pee our pants with glee. I know you're up to the task. Hey, even if you're not, you can always have us over for bong hits, Simpsons and South Park.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

I don't mean to suggest you're a bigtime lush or stoner or addict of any sort. Whether you are or not is an issue for another week. All I'm suggesting is that you be careful what you imbibe and when this week, since you're more likely to be caught in the act?by the person who's least likely to appreciate that act?than usual. Don't get caught "powdering your nose" by the local child welfare services worker. Unfortunately, the only way to be absolutely sure that your boss doesn't walk in on you toking up in the rarely used upstairs bathroom is to not light up in the first place. Still, if total abstinence is out of the question (what are you, anyway, a nun?) at least take more than the usual precautions before you sneak a nip.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

It takes about 30-40 gallons of average maple sap to boil down to one gallon of delicious syrup. That ratio seem familiar? You've been working your ass off for results that may not look like much to the casual observer. But you and I both know that when you finally get to taste the concentrated sweetness of your cumulative labors, it will all seem worthwhile. Ignore the naysayers who dismiss you for toiling for too little. They don't know what the hell they're talking about. There are plenty of people who believe what you're up to is worthwhile. Reward them for their faith with a taste before you pour the rest all over your pancakes.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

My, you're quite the bantam rooster this week, puffing out your chest and swaggering around, so proud and cocky. Hey, you deserve to be; you've accomplished some nifty stuff in recent days. But there are some chickens out there who view your feats with some skepticism. They speculate that you're as confused as a cock thinking his crowing made the sun rise. Although their dubiousness is laughable, their malice isn't. You should be pleased with your very real successes, but try to tone down the strutting, before some jealous bird comes along and pecks your eyes out.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Geckos stick to things thanks to millions of microscopic hairs on the soles of their feet that take advantage of weak intermolecular attractions called van der Waals forces. Individually, each hair has a sticking power so incredibly slight it would be virtually immeasurable, but cumulatively they enable the little amphibians to zip across the ceiling with ease. You've got innumerable equivalents to van der Waals forces at work in your life. Instead of dismissing each one as too feeble to have any real influence on your existence, consider that collectively they could help you transcend gravity, and if you let them, they will.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Lately your life has been so pest-ridden that you've taken to stalking around with flyswatter in hand and a murderous gleam in your eyes. Where did all these bugs come from anyway, damn it? My theory is that you overcompensated for some past bitchiness and got so sweet that these phenomenally annoying parasites swarmed to you in droves. However, don't let your inner pendulum swing back toward being pissy and mean just to scare them off. Get a bigger swatter and wear sticky strips as earrings if you must, but keep the honey flowing, not the vinegar. You'll be glad to have a chance to wield that sugary magnetism when next week's Pisces full moon causes some beautiful beasts you actually want around you to come out to play.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

For too long now you've resisted trying things unless you knew ahead of time that you'd be good at them. Consequently, your repertoire of excellent acts has gotten slightly stale. Your established range is impressive, but we've seen it all. Don't put off the real challenges you've been contemplating. For one thing, you might surprise yourself by being immediately great at whatever you attempt. Of course, you could suck, too. In a way, I'd prefer the latter; you'd discover a secret truth you've been missing out on: working your ass off to be great is way better than just starting off there.

[Caeriel@yahoo.com](mailto:caeriel@yahoo.com)