This Week's Horoscope

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

The planet Mercury is astrology's Evel Knievel. Merc drove daringly deep into your sign but aborted the bold stunt he'd planned when the jump ramps he found there were slightly sub-par. He spent the last couple weeks rolling his motorcycle back into the next county (Capricorn). Never fear?he hasn't given up on soaring gracefully over your internal Grand Canyon; in fact, he's invited you along for the ride this time. Take it; the other routes across the chasm are much longer and more arduous (involving climbing in and out or trekking the long way around). You can't bring much, though, lest the added weight make the moment more gory than glory, so I suggest you spend your last two weeks on this side of the emotional impasse planning what you'll bring with you to the other side.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You're so used to carefully navigating the contorted murk of indifference and indecision that when one of your tethered fish (always pulling you in opposing directions) takes indisputable control, it can be overwhelming. Although it's wonderful that your choices are momentarily crystal clear, don't get carried away. The kind of dramatic gestures you're considering are akin to others that might haunt you later, like tattooing your face or pushing your car off a bridge. Gleefully pursue your obvious new direction but remember your own changeability: limit your actions to those you can take back in two weeks if you change your mind, or you'll be haunted for months by the words, "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

Aries (March 21-April 19)

As you left your place, you set the alarm, released the vicious guard dogs and locked every lock between your living room and the street. Now, a few drinks and good times later, you can't remember the alarm code or the secret command that calms the snarling Dobermans, and your keys are lost. All pretty embarrassing, considering who you brought home to see your chill digs (among other things). Luckily, your new buddy will gleefully help you pick the locks, quell the hounds and explain the situation to suspicious cops. Lesson to learn: next time, you might not have an ally so devoted to helping you fell your own walls. Put fewer barriers between you and the world or you could end up locking someone out you don't want out, like yourself.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Don't run from what you know, clutching the shreds of your innocence to your chest like a tattered dress. Knowledge can be scary on its own; compound that with the understandable fear of becoming bitter and cynical beyond all hope of redemption and I can see why you're sprinting back the way you came. All I can tell you is this simple truth?whatever you know, there's exponentially more that you don't, including myriad hopeful exceptions to whatever depressing "rule" you've learned. Though I can't give you the specifics, I can tell you this: eligibility for those exceptions is simple, if not easy: live an exceptional life.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

This is official Gemini Goof-Off Week. Next week is Gemini Buckle-Down Week, so getting all your laziest urges out of your system now is imperative. It's better to put off obligations this week, when marathon tv-watching and veg-out snackathons won't bear the dire consequences they might have in the weeks to come. What are you waiting for? It's going to be a long time before you can enjoy such guilt-free slackage. Go buy some comic books or something. I'll see you next week?show up ready to work, and wear a tie.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

What's so great about being an Evolved Cancer and why should you aspire to it? It's not even a permanent title?it needs periodic renewal, like a vaccination requiring booster shots. How would you like to fully experience the incredible, intense cavalcade of emotions that is your norm, without being ruled or limited by it, ever? How about using that remarkable sensitivity to read, allow for and even appease people's unspoken needs, without ever being tempted to manipulate them to fulfill yours? Sounds good, doesn't it? As does permanently rejecting passive-aggressiveness in favor of clear and honest divulgence of your emotional needs. You're so close to achieving your EC (re-)certification that I hate to see you stop now. In case you need an additional motivating ass-kick, let me assure you?you'll get far more from this honorary title than you would from three master's degrees.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

I like dumping blessings on Leos. They happily dance in the resplendent pleasure of such virtual sunshine, but then tend to radiate almost all of it right back out into the general population. People don't mind telling you how great and wonderful and generous and beaming you are when they know they'll be reaping much of the benefit of that sparkle. Keep up the trend, sweet glowing one. It's a good habit. As long as you pass along 90 percent of every bit of loving attention you receive, you're assured a lifetime supply.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Most Virgos have at least one casual flirtation with vegetarianism in their lifetimes, so you've probably encountered some of the plethora of fake meat products out there, mostly soy and wheat poorly masquerading as flesh for guilty ex-carnivores to glumly consume. Unfortunately for you, whatever you've been trying to pass off on those around you?be it friendship, romance or even charity?has been exposed as a flavorless, fat-free substitute for the real thing. People will only choke down the gluten for so long. We're at that point: give us the bacon or don't bother.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Oh, crap. Valentine's Day approaches again. The dread is building already. Whether you're facing a day of loveless loneliness or trying to meet unreasonable romantic expectations with your current thang, VD sucks worse than, well, venereal disease. My advice? Rebel. Vow to spend the day alone, no matter who wants to do what with you. End the dirty, corporate-controlled cycle this year, forever. Make it your day to eat a romantic dinner for two by yourself, or stay home and cuddle in front of the tv if you must?with your dog or favorite teddy bear, not a real person who'll infuse every moment with meaning that simply isn't there.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Latest in my non-sex series: Love. A while back you drifted into that icky no-man's land where you determined or decided that long-lasting love is so rare it requires a miracle. That may be true?I'm an astrologer, not a matchmaker. But let me point out that you've worked miracles before?two more, and you'll be declared an official Miracle Worker. (Sorry, sainthood's out of the question?the Vatican won't even consider the act of finding someone's long-lost G-spot a miracle.) It's been a while since your last divine, mind-blowing feat. Don't you think it's time for another?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Who'da thunk? Your craving for freedom?from encumbrance, obligation and oppression?can be harnessed. Here's how: Whenever I can't get myself to write?convinced I'd rather be romping outside with my dog or playing video games or something equally frivolous?I remind myself of the numerous other duties hanging over my head. I can put them off as long as I'm doing something important (to me, that's writing), but not for my PS2. Using one dreaded obligation as a goad to accomplish another is a cheap trick, but hey?whatever works.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You don't usually go for the gimmicks that I sometimes fill my life with (see Sagittarius). But because of your incredible self-discipline, you're clueless how to deal with a full-stop, paralyzing Slack Wave, like the one you've encountered this week. It's keeping you from doing something you should. I'll share the magically motivating thought that got me to the gym, the cafe where I write and social obligations on more occasions than I can count, when I wouldn't have made it, otherwise: There'll be cute boys there, at least. Oh, it's cheap and weak, but I tell you: I'm slightly buffer, more prolific and popular because of it.