This Week's Horoscope

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Nearly every Cancer I know is refusing birthday presents this year, because they know that the things they truly want?like deep, real love, unassailable self-esteem and contentment?can't be given. It's a nice change from last year, when most Crabs were only too eager to accept consolation prizes for those dreams, which they felt were forever unavailable. Now you've realized that they're already yours for the taking, or so close that they're almost in hand. Who needs a new DVD player when you've got great sex on demand? Forget that trip to Bermuda?why go anywhere when home feels so wonderful? You know what the good stuff is, and you just can't gift-wrap that shit.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Be careful, don't step on that rock! I'm hiding under there?evading your recent rampages. I should've known better than to accuse you Lions of possessing anything resembling a fault. Lord knows you're perfect, and if you're not, we damn well better love you anyway. The truth is, darling: we do. You haven't pulled the wool over anyone's eyes, contrary to your belief. We think you're fabulous, imperfections and all. Now, that's no excuse to terminate your quest for self-improvement. You deserve adoration no matter what. However, respect and worship are things that must be earned.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Hey, Tinkerbell. That's no jab at your masculinity or femininity, by the way. I'm just pointing out how some weeks can leave you feeling as helpless as a pixie in a lantern, banging silently on the glass, feebly subject to the whims of the cackling pirate(s) in your life who shake you down for some of that buoyant magic you exude. Would it surprise you to know that this is only possible with your tacit consent? Shatter the glass, finally. There's a way to avoid being used so callously, without sacrificing the generosity that is such an integral part of your nature, or succumbing to the avarice that's the opposite extreme. I call this happy middle ground: Give a lot, get a little.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Although you're riveted by the surprising performance of your dear friend, you shouldn't forget the part you have to play in that show. Whether it's curtain-pulling or backup singing, you'd be disappointing too many people if you let your open-mouthed amazement make you miss your cue. Your role, albeit a supporting one, is just as vital to your friend's success as the pieces s/he's been practicing for ages. Shelve your amazement or jealousy until after you've done your duty. Besides the simple decency of supporting your companions' dream fulfillments, there's another compelling reason to come through: Your time to shine is coming up, and you'll need friends to do the same for you.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

I just watched an MTV special, describing how celebrities pamper their pets, spending fortunes on gold jewelry, hotel suites and cars for dogs that would honestly be happy with love and a piece of knotted rope. I can't imagine how they justify this declamatory decadence when even one mother in this world has to watch her bone-thin child die because she can't get enough fucking rice. This week, if you've been lucky enough to be allotted more than your share of the world's wealth or power, do everyone (but most of all yourself) a favor, and spend a tiny bit more of it on alleviating actual suffering than you do on frivolous excess.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Dissatisfied with the original film, someone took Star Wars: The Phantom Menace and made The Phantom Edit, now illegally available for download or for sale on eBay. I adore the idea of enterprising fans transforming their disappointment with a second-rate film into inspiration, transfiguring the flick into something closer to what they wanted. If I were George Lucas, I'd honestly be pleased (and perhaps inspired to make better films, so my fans wouldn't be able to improve upon them so easily). After all, edits like these are more labors of love than gestures of disrespect. There's a difference between a loving emulation/enhancement and a blatant ripoff. This week, if you can figure out exactly where that line is drawn you'll have it made.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

It's surprising under what flags allegiances can form, isn't it? For instance, whole slews of people line up behind a certain product, or brand, and are as intensely loyal to it as they might be to their church, or government. If Volvos or Apples can inspire that degree of loyalty, so can you. It's simpler than you think, really: you've already demonstrated your excellence. Your usefulness is without question, and your solid work is beyond reproach. In other words, you've done the legwork. Now that you need the support of your friends and fans, all you have to do is ask for it.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Whenever I see evidence of the callous, celebratory, prideful gluttony the West is infamous for, I understand why we've become hated. What if terrorists specifically targeted those who most publicly advertise their hubristic excess? There'd probably be a rush to see who could most generously (and sure, publicly) be charitable. If North America's tiny, moneyed elite would do their part to help the world's needy (the United Nations estimated that $13 billion above current levels of aid would provide everyone in the world with basic health and nutrition; the West spends $17 billion on pet food) our continent would be a safer place for us to live our only moderately luxurious lives. What can we ordinary mortals do? Instead of applauding the celeb who buys the most jewel-encrusted dog collar, exalt the one who writes the biggest check to Habitat for Humanity.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Let me interrupt your daydreaming for a moment. As appealing as it is to see you jumping on a bed covered in money, high-denomination bills floating in the air around you, it's better for all concerned if you stay focused on the practical, realistic (and only slightly less fantastical) affairs of your life right now. Don't think of coming down to earth as such a drag. The bonus to staying more grounded in the next few weeks: your fantasy about cavorting in riches (of one kind or another) is that much more likely to come true.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

If you've been putting off jaw surgery, consider scheduling it this week. There'll be no better time this year to have your mouth wired shut. If you don't somehow get it sealed, you'll probably end up putting your foot in it before long, probably so forcefully that you'll ultimately need to go under the knife anyway. Other possible solutions: Spend the week scuba diving, communicating via signed gestures. Take a vow of silence and correspond via handwritten notes. Go to a rock show and don't stop screaming until your voice promises to vanish for an entire week. Whatever you do, shut your trap, baby. It's for your own good.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

And last but not least, Taurus. I say that not because you're actually at the end of any line, but you have taken on that favored role. (Just consider how much people like the caboose; the cute little elephant at the end of the procession, with his tiny trunk wrapped around Mama's tail; or the youngest child.) Whether or not you're the baby of the family, you're invited to act like it, if you please. People have been hearing the bit about saving the best for last so long that they'd be surprised to find you anywhere else.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Last week, I mentioned how Jason defeated an army of warriors by causing them to destroy one another. When he had to vanquish a fearsome dragon, again he turned to his crafty sorceress ally, Medea. She recommended that he avoid using the first solution that sprang to his mind (his sword). Instead, she gave him a sleeping potion to administer to the beast, so he could sidestep a direct confrontation with it. Hey, listen to Medea. Once again, she's got it goin' on. Keep that sword sheathed; there's no reason for a fight to the death when a roofie and your best tiptoe will do.