This Week's Horoscope

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You're so good at waking up, still drunk, in other people's bathtubs it's not funny. Your imminent birthday might prompt one of those good times?the kind you can't remember the next day. Don't waste another morning pulling congealed pizza slices out of your hair. Do things differently this year. I'm not saying don't go hog-wild?what is an Aries without wild abandon? Just get creative. Come up with a version of fun that might be even more incredible than the types you're familiar with?all the more so because you can actually remember it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

What are you, high? Your insistence on unnecessary rules is ridiculously unlike you, something equivalent to posting a sign on your apartment door saying "No Rhinos Allowed." It's a bad joke, and worse because you take it so seriously. Relax, babe. No one is going to mess up your rugs with their big, smelly, rhino feet, or leave steaming piles of dung next to your bed. Guarding yourself against such unlikelihood is only making you lose some serious street cred. Take a deep breath and open your arms to the stinky rhinoceri of the world. I guarantee you won't see a single one, at least not this week.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Embodying contradiction can be as tricky as fucking in a tire swing. You're risking a painful fall, but if you can manage to stay on and find a mutual rhythm, it's very sexy. Lately, your twin personalities have been taking turns on the playground. Much less sexy. We need you, oh glorious avatar of split personality god-hood! Inspire us with your example, so we don't have to choose between our internal dysfunctions. Teach us to be social and solitary, masculine and feminine, top and bottom, emotional and intellectual. Help us find the breakbeat rhythm, you schizo stud(ette).

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Some won't get pets, because pets die and it's too hard. It's this fear of hurt, of getting used to something that might be there and then losing it, that keeps so many Cancers locked inside their shells. The truth is, my gentle crustacean, that everything in this life is temporary. Good and bad. Don't avoid relationships with anyone?be s/he animal, potential lover or sick relative?just because you're afraid of losing. If you must cling to something, cling to the moment itself. Grab it in your crabby pincers, love it for its ephemerality, then let it go, seizing the next moment in your ferocious grip, and the next, and the next...

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

I could give a rat's ass what you want. That's okay?with the sun in Aries, you'll gladly take care of your own needs. In fact, you won't bat an eyelash before using your job, friends or connections to serve your agenda this week. You probably won't be able to stop yourself from grabbing what's (in your own mind) yours. But at least warn people that you might be taking stuff from their pockets, raiding the company kitchen for supplies or sneaking personal messages into otherwise nonpersonal communiques, like memos (or horoscopes, if you happen to write those). (By the way, there're at least two in this week's collection.)

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Okay, ways to not take the edge off: 1) Bathe in black coffee. 2) Prepare a frequent alarm to remind you of what you should be doing. 3) Breathe shallowly. Pant, if possible. 4) Abstain from sex, hot tubs, chocolate, red wine, a full night's sleep and anything else that gives you pleasure. 5) Indulge everyone, especially those people who don't like you. Have I made my point yet? I was so proud of you for finally eliminating one of the major sources of your life's stress. Now you're nuttier than before! Chill!?or I will force-feed you Valium and take you?by gunpoint if necessary?on vacation. By the way, can I borrow your gun?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Because of your notoriously indecisive example, I'm forced to become bicoastal. I couldn't sit back and watch you have your cake and sit in it too without becoming envious. Since I can't decide between New York or Los Angeles, I'm plotting residences in both. It's your wishy-washy fault. If I followed your example to the nth degree (budgetary restrictions aside), I'd wind up with an apartment for every mood. Mopey? I'd fly to Seattle to stare at the rain. Horny? Lots of cute guys in Toronto. Party time? San Fran or Atlanta. Please. It's too much. Quit jetting around your emotional planet. Make up your mind and land the plane, at least until next week.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Designing drugs (legal and illegal) to make us happy, or at least slightly less lonely and miserable, is a multibillion-dollar industry. Nauseating how much money there is in human suffering, ain't it? Oh, believe me, I don't want to be depressed one day more than I have to?it's such a waste of time. But I worry: if I'm pumped full of artificial happiness all the time, how will I know it when I encounter the real thing? I'd rather recognize joy when it hits, even if it means the occasional slump. Regardless of your state of mind, I recommend you keep your eyes open this week?you're liable to have a close brush with "the real thing," and I wouldn't want you to miss it in a Prozac haze.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Whether you're an online porn star with wicked sideburns, a traveling salesman or a professional dog-walker (all very Sagittarian professions), you can't help but exude sexiness. As a result, you're used to smitten admirers. Mostly they're clueless and just not right for you, whether or not they realize it. Unfortunately, this useless plethora could have the sad side effect of making you miss M. Right when s/he comes along. In fact, you recently encountered (in one of the most unlikely places) a potentially incredible companion for your favorite kinds of adventure. Did you notice him or her? If so, good?now all you have to surmount is your cynicism. Being a master skeptic will get you only so far. Believing in something?especially the same thing as someone else?could get you much further.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Come on, you love it?the way your other friends and I have your whole life planned out for you. As if you didn't already have a more detailed plan for your future than almost everyone we know! So you don't need us, or our fucking agendas. Appreciate us anyway, okay? This way, you get to test your brilliance against all of ours, and maybe improve your grand design slightly. Besides, you've got to have options?and that's all these are, really. Thank us for giving you too many, which is a far sight better than having too few.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

A little Ally McBeal wisdom for you: When Elaine won a dancing contest, Larry suggested two options: display the polished trophy on the mantelpiece, or stick it in a drawer. Each would make a bold statement about her relationship to the win. One would mark it as her crowning achievement, a glorious highlight of her life, and the other would suggest it was merely one of many notable accomplishments. She won either way?and so did you. You're faced with a similar choice. In the end, which really makes you look better?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

I never used to be a geek. But these days I am one. I carry my laptop everywhere. Oh, for a while I propped up my non-geekhood with some weak justification about it being the "tool of my trade," no different from a carpenter with her hammer, or a porn star with his dick. But I've finally owned my geekhood. Now that almost every interaction of my day involves the computer (if only peripherally for most of them), I can't deny it any longer. But?joy of joys?I look around and discover that most of you have graciously joined me in geekdom. Don't be afraid to go to the place you're headed this week. By the time you get there, you may find that almost everyone you know beat you to the punch and is already there.