This Week's Horoscope

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You could wear a crown of white flowers, don the most chastely virginal garb you have or come riding in on a unicorn; still you'd have trouble convincing people of your innocence (ingenuity, not lack of guilt). Fortunately, having circled the block a few times is no cause for shame. Anyone who'd only be into you on the condition of your naivete is probably trying to pull one over on you. Don't hide your guile, Gemini; it's much sexier than faux innocence could ever be. Play at the ingenue if you like, as long as you keep tongue firmly in cheek, but don't settle for anyone who wouldn't also be pleased to discover that a deliciously naughty wolf lurks beneath that sheep's clothing.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Try to forget the louts who've done more to age you prematurely than a pack-a-day habit. The experiences that supposedly took years off your life are much more valuable than you think. In fact, some of the most expensive lessons you learned will actually add years of enjoyment, if not actual time, to your life, as long as you're willing to exercise them. We all grow older?you have the chance to do so with charming grace. Just remember: those crow's feet are not only well-earned, but really cute when you smile, too.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

The latest bullshit to come down has thrown you so off balance it may as well have severed all your toes. Staying upright in changing circumstances without those undervalued little appendages is nigh unto impossible, so lay low for a while. Fly under the radar toward your next chapter (which promises to be a stellar doozy); while you're down there, you'll be pleasantly surprised to discover how much work you can get done when the spotlight's not on you. By next month, you'll be ready to stand up, receive your full birthright of attention and stardom and reveal your new power?embodied in your perfect new toes?regeneration.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

My latest obsession is all about revisiting early childhood influences. I'm preoccupied with exploring the oldest parts of my consciousness by watching 70s tv shows. (Gotta love those Krofft brothers, most famously responsible for Land of the Lost). Although you generally condemn waxing nostalgic as wastefully irresponsible and useless, you'd be surprised to notice how much of your present-day, practical sensibilities find their roots in fantastical old episodes of Magic Garden, or whatever worked for you when you were three. Since the astounding secret to your present conundrum is buried exactly that deep, spare the time to go there, however you know how.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Unlike you, I'm all about extremes. My interests easily evolve into thorough obsessions?in fact, that's how I got into astrology, once upon a time. I took the same approach to dog-training when I got my very own canine?reading stacks upon stacks of relevant books?and consequently have a remarkably well-behaved pup. Although the moderation you practice probably has an overall advantage over my unwillingness to do anything halfway, to get beyond the scratched surface of something you sometimes need to dive headlong into it. Luckily, your carefully balanced life has come to this moment: you now have such profound stability that you can go to whichever extreme you like?dizzying, epiphanic heights, or self-knowledge-increasing, rock-bottom depths?without screwing up the rest of your existence. Fuck temperance. You can now eat and have your cake. You'd be stupid not to.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Let me be frank: I'm feeling strung-out, run-down and generally tired right now. In other words, I'm in no mood to be creative and come up with some brilliantly lighthearted anecdote for you. I just want to go to sleep. Sound familiar? Current astrological influences are all about wearing you down. Your only recourse: cut yourself a break for once. Just to remind you, the easiest way to dissolve useless self-judgment: extend the umbrella of tolerance and compassion you deserve to the numerous poor chumps in the same boat as you?like me.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Wandering aimlessly is one of your specialties. You're perfectly happy to drift for months on life's open ocean in an inner tube with a backpack full of bread and bottled water, content to see where the current carries you. However, the moment you acquire a target, you transform into a sleek hydrofoil motorboat and arrive at your destination almost as soon as it's conceived. Unfortunately, those quick shifts can leave some of your favorite buddies floating cluelessly in your wake. Since the full moon in Sag this week is likely to inspire a reckless metamorphosis of motion, you might want to give them an advance warning, so they can have some chance of keeping up.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

One truth about Capricorns that's not usually widely advertised: as a general rule, you can hold your drugs. Whether it's booze, smoke or snort, you're not generally the type to fall apart under the influence, and you're less likely to get addicted than, say, Pisces. This advantage enables you to party as hard as you work. However, like any strength, it can easily flip and become a weakness. The price of freedom is eternal vigilance. Go ahead and be the wild child when you've a mind to, but don't go too far?you're only a little less vulnerable than the rest of us. Remember, the moment you believe you're immune to whatever misfortune is the moment you're most at risk.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

People think of horses as tame?most have rarely seen one that's not domesticated. Although there are only a few places in North America where wild horses still live (the ones I know of are in North Carolina and Virginia), I'm glad we haven't eradicated them entirely. Their equine beauty is only enhanced by their wildness and freedom, as is yours. Some of your latest chapters have involved settling down. However, don't let the idea that you've been tamed sink too deeply into the minds of your friends. Do something this week to show that you're still the same freedom-minded adventurer you've always been. Don't worry; in this case, the threat of being bitten the next time they try to pat you on the back will only make your buddies want to all the more.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Last night's dream continued my recent subconscious theme of interacting with the ancient Greeks. In it, I lived in the Olympian Reformatory for Naughty Mortals. Thor, as a punishment for screwing around with sexy humans, had been assigned to guard us, and was forced to wear a gruesome-looking chastity device. Sound familiar? I deleted my earlier metaphor for you (something about a leashed dog with a bowl of food just out of reach) in favor of this one, because your current power levels are much more godly than canine. In other words, try not to focus on the one thing you can't have?the rest of the world is at your fingertips.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Don't make me?or your chums?tiptoe around you. Being touchy isn't flattering on anyone. Besides, life is too short to make a stink about every slight, real or imagined. It's tiring. Since you're likely to be a bit on edge every time reality sinks to any level less than heroic, epic and exciting, you might be better off keeping your irritability about life's occasional mediocrity to yourself. Just bide your time biting your tongue, if you can, because the only thing that's going to keep next week from rocking your world is if you say something this week to screw it up.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

If there's any sign (besides Cancer) that knows what it's like to be consumed by regret, it's you. And with your ruling planet, Venus, residing in that sign, you're more likely to be asking yourself futile and frustrating "what if" questions than usual. Since this week presents a unique opportunity to revisit an ancient screwup?and possibly choose differently this time?the temptation to do so may be overwhelming. However, I urge you: don't undertake rewriting history lightly. You've learned to live with your past mistakes?will you be able to live with new ones?