This Week's Horoscope

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Don't let the rush cause you to lose your judgment; it can be headier than the first tingling wave of that designer drug you tried in college, and more exhilarating than downhill number one on a tall steel rollercoaster. Soak up the glow of all that sunshine-y attention and glory, but practice a tiny bit of restraint?or you'll end up as sunburnt (and peeling, yuck) as I am. You're just at the beginning of your ride. There are still plenty of loops, thrills and brilliant surprises ahead. Save your giddiest screams for those.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You're about as sweet and mighty as a Powerpuff Girl this week. That is, bad-ass cuteness will get you much farther than just plain old brawn. Even if you're a guy, you could learn a lot by channeling Blossom, Buttercup and Bubbles. Not that you're much of a brute, anyway, but remove regular muscle, straightforward aggression and head-on combativeness from your arsenal, replacing them with deadly flirting, weakness-inducing giggle-making and confounding shyness. When the streets are dripping with Mojo Jojo juju, whip out your cartooniest charisma and kick some butt.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Ages ago, I was often forced to endure the Braces Lecture. It was the one in which my parents harped about the fortune they'd spent "fixing my teeth" (i.e., their own messy genes). Ever the ungrateful wretch, I'd roll my eyes and mutter under my breath, "Well, who asked you to?" I had no choice in the matter (enduring the oft-painful orthodontic process was required of me, evidently). They probably should've spent the money on a nice vacation. Naturally, first chance I got, I conveniently lost my retainer, and eventually let my teeth lapse into the state of semi-crookedness they're in now. The point: It's good to do nice things for people?but don't force your kindness on them. They won't appreciate it, and you'll wish you hadn't bothered.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

As you shelled out megabucks for the latest favors bestowed upon you, I heard you muttering about the cost. In a barter economy, you fantasized, all the little things you do, constantly, for others would count. They'd add up, giving you tons of credit that you could spend on the big boons you're pulling in now. Or so you think; you'd be surprised at how many little tokens of consideration get sent your way and barely noticed. On those rare occasions where you have to pay something for the benefaction you receive, give it up with grace, and be grateful that most of those who deliver said tokens don't require something in return, or try to cash in on all their kindnesses. That'll be three goats, the clothes off your back and your firstborn child, please.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

It's most often scrutinizing Sags who query me regarding my technique for casting these 'scopes. They're avid to punch holes in the entire affair, sinisterly eager to discredit astrology, me or the entire new-age movement. For your information, I do base what I write on my interpretations (sometimes admittedly creative) of what's happening "up there." However, I also concede that it's ridiculous to suppose that every member of a particular sign will have a similar week; there are simply too many variables to even come close to that ideal. This week's lesson: It's much easier to be a critic or make fun of something than it is to actually do it. This week's prediction: someone (maybe only me!) will be rightfully skeptical about your skepticism.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Hey, tough guy. Make a muscle, you stud(ette). You've been doing an awful lot of throwing your brawn around lately, for someone whose pride is making a chess game of every situation, with you as champion puppetmaster. Before you tear off your clothes in another Incredible Hulk-like rage, prepared to demolish whatever obstacles litter your path, reconsider, since it's unnecessary. They're only slightly inconvenient to simply walk around, and you might need some of those brick walls, like, to build stuff on. Since your huge plans need as much foundational support as possible, I'd leave standing anything (or anyone) that might even be remotely useful later.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Three a.m., years ago. Driving on a Texas interstate, I spotted (barely) two hitchhikers, gamely trudging from Dallas to Austin. This was back in my idealistic days, before my present-day cynicism took over. Since my first pass had been at breakneck speed, I was two miles past them before I guessed what their story was. I took the next exit and circled back to pick them up, reasoning: "No one else will." I was pleased at my karmic good turn, right up until the point when (many hours after I'd dropped them off the next day) I discovered their theft: my expensive new boots and a sizable chunk of my music collection. I won't go so far as to advise you to not do a good deed this week, but keep one watchful eye open while you do it.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

If it were your job to figure out how to make things less efficient, you'd get promoted. Incorporating planned obsolescence into your products or services is your specialty. How can we make sure this ____ (road, refrigerator, blowjob) lasts just long enough that they'll get another one from the same source?before very much time has passed? It's actually quite a skill, finding that line. However, it's not what people are looking for anymore. You're good at building things that last, too, although a few doubters have already begun their wondering. This week concentrate on creating or consolidating a few things (like your relationship) so they'll last forever.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Turn the air conditioner up so high it gives you goosebumps. Revel in the arctic chill as you peer menacingly down on the sweating commoners below. Watch them labor under the merciless sun as you get cold headaches from the combination of your icy mint julep and the freezing blast of your a/c. Sometimes it's your superiority complex I want to kick down a notch or two. But this week I'm more interested in amplifying it?to better reveal your position to lend a helping hand to someone who A) really needs it and B) you've been dying to draw into your life for ages now. Open the window and holler down to the sweltering prince(ss) in disguise and tell them to come on up. You'll both be grateful you did.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Although it's not surefire, one way to measure your success is by the amount of hate mail you receive. Criticism finds its source in many often admirable places, but it seems most commonly prompted by jealousy. The more _____ (popular, prosperous, outrageous) you are, the more negative attention you're likely to receive. Naturally, that doesn't mean that everyone who gets hate mail is wildly successful; some people really do just suck. But not you?this week, regard any criticism, negativity or antipathy as a sign you're doing something?if not everything?right.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Persistent? You? Notwithstanding your legendary fickleness, this week you're as perseverant as a Labrador in fetch mode, despite thorn in paw, tail in sling and patch over eye. It'd take more than a lampshade around your neck to keep you from scratching that itch. It's hard to resist, that dogged loyalty. Yet somehow your goal's been eluding you anyway. Maybe she doesn't quite believe you're for real. Maybe it's a test of this newfound determination, to make sure it's sustainable. In your secret heart you've almost given up, despite the peripheral success of your steadfastness. Don't.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

How mixed up are you? Trying to recycle paper with plastic, wear polka dots with plaid and cool the house with the refrigerator, you've demonstrated your recent state of confusion quite amply. Sometimes wisdom can be gleaned from doing things differently. Reading a book from back to front has its advantages. But confounding people with your inner turbulence rarely reaps good results. In some cases, sociability helps to sort your inner chaos, but not this week. Make your soul presentable (underwear under the clothes) before you dare venture out among the masses.