This Week's Horoscope

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

I've often joked that you have only two gears: on and off. You either run maniacally at top speed, accomplishing more than seems humanly possible, or you fall asleep on your feet. Where's the mellow downtime? I sometimes think you don't know the definition of the phrase "hanging out." The problem with such extremes is that you burn out eventually. Despite being gifted with a prodigious amount of getting-things-done energy, you'll find as you age that you spend more time in the off position. Have a new setting installed into that giant switch on your back. Give it a middle position or a dimmer switch, whatever works. And the next time I ask how you are, I expect the answer to be different from "I'm insanely busy" or "I'm exhausted."

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

So you're attention-starved and your perspective is utterly subjective. You also have very many lovely qualities that are abundantly obvious when you let them show. People naturally focus on your more appealing traits unless you go out of your way to eclipse them with your insufferable ones. Um, don't do that. First step: quit kneejerk reacting. In other words: your ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend is not automatically a bitch, and anyone who doesn't worship you is not necessarily obnoxious. Inject an ounce of objectivity and a teaspoonful of patience into your popularity souffle and it'll stop collapsing in the middle, finally.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Though I have many simple desires, my acquired tastes afford me the most pleasure. I like my chocolate dark and bitter. I enjoy stinky goat cheese, salty olives and extra spicy Asian food. I prefer my guys rough around the edges. Learning to like something occasionally takes a little effort. For instance, my friend Josh taught me to love olives by forcing me to eat just one every time I was over at his house until one day I found myself actually craving the things. The flavor you're faced with is (astonishingly) beyond your current limits. If you can stretch enough to accommodate it, though...well, I don't want to ruin it for you. It'd be like telling you the ending of a really great movie. Go find out for yourself.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Last month, Steve Fossett had to give up his attempt to be the first to circumnavigate the globe alone in a balloon. Although he broke several records, I was more amazed at how many people were willing to go to great lengths to unselfishly help him, simply because they believed in what he was doing. Because you, too, will probably need a little assistance on your next venture, I say follow Steve's example: get people so excited about the idea that they'll fall all over themselves to help you, with no regard for repayment or even recognition, just to see the thing done.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

My newest Cap friend is taking a one-to-three-year journey backpacking around the world to "get it out of his system." Because his life plan involves some dedicated effort and stability, he wants to get the wanderlust out of the way so it won't distract him at some crucial point in the future. Although I'm not sure his strategy will work as smoothly as he hopes (but it's hard to tell with you determined Capricorns), I recommend a similar one for you. Because your project now requires a few long stretches of uninterrupted concentration and discipline, get all distractions out of the way this week, so you don't stumble over them later on.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Indonesia's rulers have long been spiritual, taking the counsel of dead ancestors, among others, in order to make important decisions. It goes to show how deeply and powerfully animism pervades this part of Asia, where people believe that the world is largely run by spirits, not only of the dead, but also of powerful natural forces, like mountains, rivers and trees. Consequently, success is dependent on pleasing these spirits. Although you probably believe it's all bullshit, you could do worse than talk to a tree during your next major crisis. Since your life's due to be relatively calm this week, use the time to search out a spot where you can commune with nature, God or something divine that's bigger than your ego at its most swollen.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Someone's absence often stirs up memories of mundane things you'd never think about if they were around; like the way she used to put white sugar in her plain yogurt, or stick cotton balls between her toes while she painted the nails. Similarly, someone's frequent presence can keep you from thinking about the things you love about them, instead getting tangled in the web of tiny things that annoy you: the way he snores or reads on the toilet. This week, get away from the loved ones who are driving you nuts, and move back in with the ones you miss?even if you can only do so in your memory.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

The places you've been going lately (either physically or metaphorically) are not as nice as the ones you come from. But that's no reason to bad-mouth them and be a goddamn pain in the ass the whole time. I mean, some of us have to live here. Eventually, you'll go back to your island paradise where you can live off fresh fruit you pick off the trees and turn brown as dirt, but for now?consider those who brought you here, and why. Here's got a lot going for it, if you'd just bother to notice. "When in Rome" and all that. Be where you are, finally.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

It's the way things work sometimes; you don't need your umbrella when you bring it?the day you forget it is when the downpour soaks you. It's the same force that causes the bus to come the moment you light a cigarette or creates the worst traffic snarls when you're in the greatest hurry. Since this week will be full of depressingly predictable inevitabilities like these, chill. There's nothing you can do about the blocked roads, the weather or any of the other difficulties you'll face, so why stress about it?

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

In recent nights, I've had dreams about you squeezing hippos, swimming (naked, no less) with sharks and fighting off a modern-day occurrence of the plague. Why all the heroism? Maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part. You've been shying away from merely difficult situations with disturbing frequency lately. It worries me. What are you going to do when a crisis comes along? Don't be such a nonconfrontational wimp. Get out there on the front lines of your own life and kick some butt. You know you can.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

I've heard of Cancers hurling themselves through glass storefronts to prove a point, pouring acid on their ex-lover's new lover's Mercedes to get revenge and buying small islands to impress a potential new one. Even if your particular extravagances haven't been quite so extreme, they've been more than enough to sprain a few hyper-raised eyebrow muscles. Whoa! Hold up. Did I say this was a bad thing? Some might think so; I'm inclined to encourage you, instead. Anyone who's going to go for you is going to like the drama and the extremity (they had better!). So keep up the good (?) work; just avoid anything that might invite a lawsuit?those just ain't sexy.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Stop. Think. The last time you found a magical lamp, rubbed it and had your pseudo-sexual encounter with the genie inside, you utterly wasted all three wishes, you big dummy. So now that you're loaded with genitals you can toss over your shoulder, farts that don't stink and a fancy car you can't find parking for that now houses homeless people, consider what your next three wishes will be. Yeah, you're getting a second chance, you lucky fuck. This time the genie is coming in the form of an actual person, and you may not know which wishes they'll grant until the deed is done. Therefore, be careful about which desires you express in public?you may get them, whether you actually wanted them or not.