This Week's Horoscope

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Kill the overkill, you fiery Ram. It's all about subtlety. Release your crash of assault rhinoceri, give your bevy of sexy girl ninjas a week off and plug in your laser-equipped, mind-controlled robots for a long overdue recharge. Entering this week's peace talks with that kind of firepower would only count against you. Of course, if having all those ferocious resources go to waste is too galling, you can put them to work in other ways: set up the robots to calculate your buddy's taxes. Get your beasts to come up with a better aphrodisiac than the ground-up rhinoceros horn that's put their species in danger (ninjette sweat, bottled, might just do the trick). Just make sure you enter the conversation ready to negotiate, not attack, and you'll do just fine.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

With all the comings and goings around here, you might want to consider installing a revolving door on your house. This week, fiery Mars tears off for parts unknown. On the same day, flighty Mercury sweeps into your life. What that means in the real world: the burning determination that's driven you to accomplish so much recently will ebb somewhat, replaced by a sparkling curiosity to try something new. (Since the alluring Venus is already lounging around your bedroom, it might even be something new and kinky!) Since you usually have to be coaxed, nagged or forced to deviate from the tried-and-true, surprise everyone who thinks they've got you all figured out by taking them someplace (real or metaphorical) you never thought you'd go.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Wearing the clothes you wore two decades ago might be retro tongue-in-cheek chic, or it might just be tragic. Before you start reliving a second (or third or fourth) childhood through your wardrobe, make sure you really have the impudence to pull it off properly. Unless you do, you might end up more like Air Supply than Air. Get with the times, but remember that you're not the kid you once were. There's nothing wrong with staying young-at-heart; simply make sure it's not at the expense of the wisdom that's supposed to come with age.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Although it may look as if the near future is going to require some advanced brown-nosing skills just to get through it, I suggest holding off before you go get that collagen injection or ask your buddy to punch you in the mouth. Drastic actions like those might be premature: with this week's new moon in Aries, you might have another out besides pressing your newly fat lips against some fucker's expectant butt. Better start lacing up the steel-toes, baby. You're about to find out how close (and similarly effective) ass-kissing and ass-kicking can be.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

There's an intruder in your emotional house. He probably snuck in through an upper-story window you thought was inviolate, while you were purring in the sunshine downstairs. Later, of course, you'll have to consider new ways to make your spiritual sanctuary more impregnable, but your top priority right now is getting rid of your unwanted visitor, using whatever's on hand?fire extinguisher, frying pan, knitting needles. In the future, remember this week's important lesson: although it may be simpler to separately invoke the ferocious predator and cuddly kitten parts of you, one can't exist without the other.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

It's ironic; although you devote less time to hippie-dippy self-discovery pursuits (like astrology) than most other signs, you get more out of them than almost anyone, because of your singular ability to translate self-knowledge into real-world application. Still, I know how busy you are. Check out www.colorgenics.com; pick a few colors and you'll get a keen writeup of where you're at. For now, I'll settle for your continued spiritual evolution in bitesize capsules, but my hope is that eventually you'll notice the direct correlation between self-understanding and worldly effectiveness. There's nothing wrong with a quickie, but it's a far cry from the seven-day kiss you're capable of, and deserve.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

NSYNC's Lance Bass went to Moscow on March 22 to do medical tests in hopes of being "the first entertainer in space." He wants to go up with the Soyuz space capsule to the International Space Station in November. You've got to give him (or whoever suggested it to him) props for the vision. Who, besides diehard fans, can remember the names of other has-been boy-banders? Being the first of anything can earn you a tiny spot in the annals of history. Since you're primed to perform a first of your own (if only in your own life), I thought I'd cite Lance's example as inspiration. If he manages to do it, he'll probably be remembered long after the rest of his buddies have faded into obscurity. What will happen if you pull yours off?

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Not that you should go around lifting manhole covers or sneaking into people's basements, but a lot of what you're looking for is underground these days, at least figuratively. Your craving for the intense and the real is at high tide again, and the things that will best satisfy it are all well off the beaten path, especially your beaten path. Never fear: the universe is erecting some well-placed signs to clue you in to where the best places to embark on educative and entertaining detours might be. Heed them.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Start with Val Kilmer in Real Genius when you need inspiration on how best to combine the two strongest forces vying for control within you: mischievous rebellion and stupendous intellect. There's no reason the prankster and the mastermind can't get along famously. The overdue marriage (or reunion after long separation) of these two disparate parts of you is guaranteed to open doors you didn't even know existed. The more successfully you can unite these independent strengths to wreak delicious havoc on your world, the more fruitfully you'll be able to draw down the heavenly manna (probably in sexy human form) you've been hankering for.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Whether it's working behind the scenes on a porno, writing a novel or constructing a skyscraper, getting a taste of all the work that goes into the things you usually take for granted can only heighten your appreciation of them. This week, indulge your evolving and expanding need to not just do, but make. Besides the obvious benefits of the act of creation, you'll reap an almost equally important secondary boon: relearning how to acknowledge and understand the great efforts your undervalued companions go to for you. You'll be a surprised at how far a newly sincere "thank you" gets you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Buddhist philosopher and writer Thich Nhat Hanh recommends coping with anger as you would a howling baby. Although you might be tempted to pile blankets on top of it until you can't hear it anymore, you'd never actually do that to a real infant. Why have you confined your rage to an internal red-light realm of grudges you can barely acknowledge, let alone release? Don't lock away your fury. Gently pick up your anger. Figure out what's making it cry. It's been too long since you tenderly gave yourself the space to identify the obstacles (mostly incensed emotions) that are keeping you from greater happiness. Once you actually take a good look at them, you'll be surprised at how easy it is to climb over or around them.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Stop holding your breath for a late spring snow. It's probably not going to happen?and even if it does, it will have nothing to do with your secret prayers. It's a great week to let go of those mostly futile hopes you've been hanging onto. Most of them are not likely to happen; clinging to what slim chances there are will provide more obstacle than encouragement to your unrealized aspirations, anyway. Besides, you've got a whole new set of dreams, both hyper-fantastic and fabulously realistic, to make room for.